September 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The start of Sunday’s NFL game between the St. Louis Rams and the Pittsburgh Steelers was delayed a half-hour after the pyrotechnics used during pre-game introductions resulted in a fire on the field. Which means the fans who watched the Chicago Bears play weren’t the only ones to see a hot mess on the field that day.

2. A Florida man allegedly stole 4 million pounds, roughly $540,000 worth of oranges. If convicted, the man could serve up to ten years in prison where he will learn a new meaning for the phrase, “freshly squeezed.”

3. MMA fighter Bryeanne Russillo said she is being forced to fight in a higher weight class because her breasts are too big and weigh too much. Boxing experts are calling the most ingenious fight promotion ever.

4. Scientists in the U.K. have started experimenting with a new stem-cell treatment that they hope will be a cure for blindness. But, to guard against getting any potential patients’ hopes too high, they have only been reporting their results via written studies.

5. The leading Mixed Martial Arts promotion company on Monday filed a federal lawsuit against New York challenging the state’s ban on staging MMA events. The lawsuit is just one page and reads: Do you wanna take this outside, pussy?

6. The head of the World Squash Federation said he was devastated by Tokyo’s decision to not consider the sport for inclusion in the 2020 Summer Olympics. That story again, apparently there are times when the head of the World Squash Federation looks around, takes stock of his life and isn’t devastated.

7. Belgian researchers are examining the excrement of giant pandas to try to understand how they can digest tough bamboo. Said the researchers, “I wish I had gotten better grades in school.”

8. Over the weekend, West Sussex, England hosted the Lawn Mower World Championships. Which is kinda like staging the World Tea Drinking Championships in Mexico.

9. Peter Robbins, the now-59-year-old man who voiced Charlie Brown as a child actor, was charged on Friday with threatening a judge, a witness and a San Diego County sheriff at a court hearing. Said Robbins, “While I’m at it, Lucy was a bitch.”

10. On Sunday, an Australian government spokesman said the country intends to refuse a visa for R&B singer Chris Brown. And, in unrelated news, Australia now has two black eyes.

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