September 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday it was reported that the NFL’s appeal of the reversal of Patriot quarterback Tom Brady’s Deflategate suspension won’t be heard until 2016. Causing Brady to learn a phrase that Jets fans are all too familiar with, ‘Wait till next year.’

2. During a soccer match in Brazil, a referee pulled out a gun after tempers boiled over on the field. Said the players, “No fair, why does he get to use his hands?”

3. On Tuesday, former NSA contractor and whistleblower Edward Snowden joined Twitter. Hopefully because he saw the humor in people receiving a notification that reads “Edward Snowden is following you.”

4. Researchers say that today’s larger, thinner TVs topple over more easily, thus resulting in an increased risk for injuring or even killing small children. Even worse, if used properly, the kid might survive and have to watch “The Mysteries of Laura.”

5. A contract signed by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Starr sold at auction at Sotheby’s on Tuesday for over $550,000. It would have sold for more, but, like I said, it was signed by Ringo.

6. The Japanese company Softbang was forced to issue a reminder to its customers that its humanoid robot Pepper is not designed to be used in a sexual manner. And, in related news, tons of Japanese men are attempting to return slightly used Peppers.

7. In a recent interview, former President Bill Clinton likened his wife, Hillary’s email scandal to the same Republican and media tactics used to stir up controversy during his presidency. Which is an apt comparison because, just like the blue dress, Hillary wasn’t able to scrub her hard-drive clean.

8. 47-year-old Kelly Gissendaner, who was on death row for murder, was executed last night in Georgia despite receiving a last-minute letter from the Pope. Unfortunately for Gissendaner, the letter read “Say hey to Jesus for me.”

9. On Tuesday, Lady Gaga was named woman of the year by Billboard magazine. Luckily for Taylor Swift, a lot of very passive aggressive words rhyme with ‘billboard.’

10. Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush is set to introduce a healthcare plan to replace Obamacare that is being called Bushcare. And if the plan is as creative as the name, get ready to be very underwhelmed.

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