November 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. “So many mixed emotions,” said KKK members.

2. Republican presidential candidate Dr. Ben Carson said, if given the opportunity, he would not travel back in time and abort baby Hitler because he does not believe in abortion. Or, as Carson tells it, “I did travel back in time and chose not to.”

3. The international investigation into alleged doping inside Russian athletics could spread to other Russian sports since they used the same laboratory that now stands accused of covering up failed drugs tests. Because, as Ukraine will tell you, Russia is good at spreading out into other areas.

4. The rare and flawless “Blue Moon Diamond” sold for $48.4 million to a Hong Kong buyer on Wednesday. The last time a diamond ended up costing that much money, Elin Nordegren said “I do.”

5. A Colorado marijuana dispensary this week is opening the country’s first ever combination pot store and gas station. And you thought it was hard remembering which side your gas tank was on before.

6. Republican Donald Trump said, if elected president, Americans will be saying “Merry Christmas” again. “Happy Hanukkah” will also be acceptable, but “Feliz Navidad” will get you deported.

7. After Donald Trump’s appearance on SNL, NBC may be forced to give airtime to the other Republican presidential candidates under the equal air time rule. As a result, Jeb Bush will appear on “the Biggest Loser, Chris Christie will go on “American Ninja Warrior,” Mike Huckabee will appear on “Undateable,” Dr. Ben Carson will show up on “the Tonight Show,” but he’ll insist he was on “the Today Show,” and Rand Paul, Carly Fiorina, John Kasich, Bobby Jindal, Rick Santorum and Lindsey Graham will all guest star on “Grimm.”

8. Walt Disney CEO Bob Iger has teamed up with the Oakland Raiders and San Diego Chargers to try to build them a stadium in L.A. If he successfully builds a stadium that will house both the Raiders and Chargers, it will undoubtedly be known as the unhappiest place on Earth.

9. Authorities said on Wednesday that a zombie apocalypse had not occurred in central Wisconsin despite the discovery of an empty casket along a rural highway over the weekend. And, even if it did, once the zombies realized they were in Wisconsin, they would probably die again from boredom anyway.

10. Actor Shia LaBoeuf is currently in the middle of a 72-hour film festival/art piece where he will watch all of his films in chronological order at a New York City theater that is open and free to the public. Also free to the public, not watching.

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