August 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday was both National Vinyl Records day and National Middle Child day. So, if you know a middle child, hopefully you wished them a happy Vinyl Records day.

2. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said Cookie Monster, “Now I can finally tell you what else ‘C’ is for.”

3. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. But, to be fair, Big Bird has always shown full-frontal.

4. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Said an unsuspecting parent, “Oh, look, a show called ‘Girls,’ that’s probably for kids too.”

5. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. HBO hasn’t aired a show featuring the many infantile characters who can’t read since “Entourage” went off the air.

6. Yesterday it was announced that the long-running PBS children’s series “Sesame Street” will switch to the uncensored, pay channel HBO. Which means the language used by the people who dress up like those characters in Times Square will be much more accurate now.

7. A new study found that elementary schoolers are being given more homework than recommended by experts. While another study found that most experts are just two kids on each other’s shoulders in a lab coat.

8. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Which I assume is a Friday.

9. Justin Bieber announced this week that he will release a new album on November 13th. Just in time for you to buy it as a present and ruin someone’s Christmas.

10. Lawyers for the NFL and its players’ union returned to court on Thursday to discuss a possible settlement agreement in the Tom Brady ‘Deflategate’ case. Or, according to courtroom sketches, a team of goblins challenged a group of horses in suits to a game of Chinese checkers.

11. A pair of Mississippi newlyweds have been arrested for allegedly using their honeymoon as cover to travel to Syria and join ISIS. Family members became suspicious when the couple added “next week” after the “til death do you part” line.

12. On Thursday, NBC extended Jimmy Fallon’s deal by six years, meaning he will host “the Tonight Show” through 2021. Which means somewhere in California, Jay Leno just circled ‘January 1st, 2022’ on his calendar.

13. Yesterday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush accused President Obama of not ensuring that Iraq remained stable after the war. Which is kinda like Casey Affleck blaming the failure of “Gigli” on Jennifer Lopez.

14. Apple said it has hired over 11,000 women globally this year, 65 percent more than the previous year. And, in a related story, Donald Trump has switched to Samsung.

15. According to Bloomberg, Apple will delay the debut of its live TV service until at least next year. They haven’t even started and there’s already a delay, seems like they got the hang of being a cable provider pretty quickly.

16. Tennis player Nick Kyrgios has been fined $10,000 for insulting his opponent Stan Wawrinka’s girlfriend to his face in the middle of a match. But, on the plus-side, I think Trump just found his new campaign manager.

17. The White House on Thursday released a list of six books President Obama will be reading during his current vacation in Martha’s Vineyard. They also released a list of the six books Vice President Joe Biden will be coloring over his vacation.

18. Yesterday, Kim Kardashian posted a nude selfie of herself on Instagram to prove that she is in fact pregnant. Hey Kim, no one was skeptical that you had sex.

19. Yesterday, daredevil Nik Wallenda accomplished his scariest feat yet, walking above the Milwaukee Mile racetrack during the Wisconsin State Fair. Yikes, you had be at Milwaukee.

20. A Texas man who pleaded guilty to a misdemeanor assault charge for punching his girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend was given a choice between marrying her or going to jail for the crime. Which is really a choice between keeping his girlfriend or becoming someone’s girlfriend.

21. North Korea is creating its own time zone by pushing back their clocks by a half-hour. Now, if they were to turn back the clocks by twenty years that would make their interest in Dennis Rodman understandable.

22. A female grizzly bear was euthanized Thursday after attacking a hiker in Yellowstone National Park last week. It’s a shame that bear won’t be able to live a long life and die of natural causes, like being shot by a dentist.

23. The bottom part of a pair of Nike cleats worn by a high school football player in Texas melted while practicing in 106 degree heat this week. “Wow, 106 degrees, those are pretty tough conditions to work in,” said the Chinese kid who made the shoe, sarcastically.

24. A machine that converts human feces in drinkable water will get its first test run this week in Senegal. Or, as it’s being reported in Senegal, “Free water, no questions please.”

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