August 5, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. There’s a new trend on the dating app Tinder in which images of puppies in need of homes have begun popping up. “Does Tinder have one d or two” said Michael Vick.

2. As of yesterday, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s marriage became 73 days long, which is a significant number since Kim’s previous marriage to Kris Humphries only lasted 72 days. The couple credited their longevity to keeping things interesting in the bedroom, in particular, they put mirrors on both sides of their bed so that each of them can wake up and immediately see the person they love the most.

3. According to a new study, a clean bedroom isn’t as crucial to a child’s development as parents might expect. “What about just a bedroom in general?” said the Octomom.

4. A study released on Monday found that Hollywood has not meaningfully increased the number of minority characters on the big screen, with Hispanics being the most underrepresented demographic. Looks like someone never saw 2005’s “the Constant Gardener.”

5. A grieving Texas man is planning a second burial service for his mother after a mortuary mistakenly placed the wrong body in a grave on top of his father. Said the son, “I guess my mother was right when she told my father that he could have a threesome ‘over her dead body.’”

6. A grieving Texas man is planning a second burial service for his mother after a mortuary mistakenly placed the wrong body in a grave on top of his father. Even worse, his father wasn’t dead.

7. When the Detroit Lions take the field for practice Wednesday night, their quarterbacks will be donning neon green jerseys made from recycled plastic bottles. Said a representative for the team, “After 56 years of underwhelming play at that position, our quarterbacks are now officially garbage.”

8. On Monday, hospital officials in New York City announced they are testing a man who just returned from West Africa who is exhibiting signs of the Ebola virus. Although it seems like it would take a lot less time to test the people in New York City who don’t look like they have Ebola.

9. According to campaign finance documents, supporters of a recreational marijuana ballot initiative in Oregon have raised $1 million in their effort to legalize the use of the drug. The initiative was able to raise that much money very quickly because stoners would donate, forget they did so and then donate again.

10. Last night, Jimmy Fallon hosted his 100th episode of “the Tonight Show.” Celebrities expressed their congratulations in different ways, Stephen Colbert sent a cake, David Letterman sent a card and Jay Leno sent a gift-wrapped present that seemed to be ticking.

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