June 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Sunday night, police in riot gear were called in after a melee erupted as attendees to a hip-hop concert in New Jersey’s MetLife Stadium tried to forcefully enter without tickets. Security personnel for the stadium, which is home to the New York Jets, needed extra help because they were not used to people rushing to get into the stadium.

2. The Danish government has proposed a bill that by 2016 could make Denmark the first cashless country in the world. Of course, people will still be able to use cash to buy essential goods like medical care, postage stamps and plane tickets out of Denmark.

3. A rally is planned for Monday in the town of McKinney calling for the firing of a police officer seen in a viral video throwing a black teenager to the ground and pointing his pistol at other youths at a pool party disturbance. Said the office, “A rally! Great, I’ll get my riot gear.”

4. A U.S. court revived a lawsuit accusing Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee and others of violating telemarketing laws by sending millions of prerecorded phone messages to advertise the 2012 movie “Last Ounce of Courage.” Which I assume is a movie about sitting through a prerecorded phone message from Mike Huckabee.

5. President Obama said on Monday that he was confident the Supreme Court would not rule against his healthcare law, describing it as an “easy case” that should never have been taken up by the court. Making him the most confident black man with a court date in the history of America.

6. According to a new study, roughly three in 10 U.S. adults have a drinking problem or have misused alcohol at some point in the past. That story again, people are good at lying.

7. A new study finds that more than one in four U.S. children are exposed to weapon violence before their eighteenth birthday, either as victims or witnesses. A number that actor Vince Vaughn calls “shamefully low.”

8. New England Patriot linebacker Brandon Spikes, being investigated for possible involvement in a hit-and-run accident, was released by the team on Monday. Considering the team, I wouldn’t be surprised if the cause of the accident was low tire pressure.

9. South African athlete Oscar Pistorius will be released on parole on August 21 after surviving just 10 months of a five-year sentence for killing his girlfriend. So, for once, having something cut short is good news for Oscar Pistorius.

10. After less than a week in office as mayor of Akron, Ohio, Garry Moneypenny said on Friday that he’s resigning due to his inappropriate behavior with a city employee who had come into his office to congratulate him on his new job. Said Moneypenny, “Can someone please invite that employee to my farewell party.”

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