May 9, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, boxer Oscar de la Hoya said Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump cheats on the golf course. “It’s not just limited to the golf course,” said Marla Maples.

2. A collection of women’s shoes and bras was discovered last week behind a hidden wall in a barn in Michigan. “Sometimes I like to dress the scarecrow up,” said a very lonely farmer.

3. Last week, police in Connecticut arrested a man accused of firing a gun into a bathroom because he thought someone was taking too long to use the facilities. “Yes, but how fast can he run?” said Oscar Pistorius.

4. On Saturday, undefeated Nyqvist won the Kentucky Derby, making it eight wins in eight races for his career. Or, the exact opposite of Carly Fiorina’s track record.

5. Last week, a seven-year-old in Virginia, who was born without hands, won a national handwriting contest. I don’t know how she managed to write, but I’m pretty sure afterwards they let her keep the pen.

6. Rocker Ozzy Osbourne and his wife of 33 years, Sharon Osbourne, have announced they are getting a divorce. Usually, when it comes to divorce there are no winners, except in this case the loser is whoever gets custody of Kelly.

7. A teacher in Utah violated school policy when he used the n-word before showing his eighth grade class the Civil War movie “Glory.” Although the school should have know something was up when the teacher insisted on showing his class “Lincoln” in reverse.

8. A woman in Ohio celebrated her 90th birthday by going skydiving with her entire family. And, once on the ground, they continued the celebration by reading the will.

9. During a TV interview on Sunday, former Republican presidential nominee John McCain suggested Paul Ryan or Joni Ernst as potential running-mates for Donald Trump. Because if there’s one thing John McCain’s good at, it’s picking VPs.

10. According to reports, rapper Jay-Z is working on a new album that will be a response to his wife Beyonce’s recent record “Lemonade,” in which she accused him of infidelity. Because apparently he’s never heard the saying ‘When wife gives you Lemonade, you should probably shut the fuck up.’

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