March 30, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. When asked why he was referring to the coronavirus as the Chinese virus last week, President Trump said, “I have to call out where it came from.” And, in his defense, he has a track record of naming awful things that were unleashed on the word after where they came from:

2. Last Thursday, O.J. Simpson tweeted that he’d go ‘crazy’ if all golf courses were closed due to the coronavirus. And just when you thought news couldn’t get any worse for laid-off waiters in Brentwood.

3. An Oregon police department is asking residents to stop calling 911 because they’ve run out of toilet paper. But if you do call 911 because you’ve run out of toilet paper, please disinfect your phone.

4. Last week, actor Idris Elba announced that he tested positive for the coronavirus. But, on the plus-side, catching the virus is still only the second worst thing that’s happened to Idris this year:

5. New York City mayor Bill de Blasio said Wednesday the city will remove basketball hoops at parks where pick-up games continued despite social-distancing guidelines as a result of the coronavirus pandemic. “Wait, we were supposed to be shooting at the hoop this whole time?” asked the Knicks.

6. In a recent interview, actress Courteney Cox says she doesn’t even remember being on ‘Friends.’ Meanwhile, Matt Le Blanc still wakes up in cold sweats because he remembers ‘Joey.’ 

7. Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. Harvey said the nasal swab was the nicest thing he’s had shoved into him all week.

8.  Disgraced Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein tested positive for the coronavirus while in prison. So now he’s got to break the news to everyone he’s come in contact with:

9. Last week, six-time Super Bowl champion quarterback Tom Brady announced that he is signing with the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Said Brady, “I’m tired of winning.”

10. Simba, a dog from Florida that was missing for more than two months, was found last week 1,400 miles away in Michigan. Which is, at best, a lateral move.

11. Last week, in an effort to halt the spread of the coronavirus, Germany banned gatherings of more than two people. Which, depending on how you look at it, is either a two months or seventy years too late:

12. According to a new study, taking a bath may be good for your heart. So I guess my 401k’s heart is really healthy right now

13. Pope Francis has donated 30 respirators to hospitals in areas hardest hit by the coronavirus pandemic. Because even the fucking Pope knows sending ‘thoughts and prayers’ does nothing.

14. An opera singer in Paris is giving daily concerts from his balcony window to lift his neighbors’ spirits during the nationwide lockdown enforced to contain the spread of the coronavirus. Said his neighbors, “I now you can lose you sight and smell from corona, but we’re also hoping it takes our sense of sound too.”

15. A Belgian robotics firm is lending a fleet of robots to old-age homes to help tend to residents after the government banned visitors to prevent the spread of coronavirus. It’s the perfect way to ensure that the elderly do not die from the coronavirus, but instead heart attacks.

16. CVS mistakenly sent false information to its staff about how to combat the coronavirus late last week. Even worse, here’s how they sent that information:

17. Last week, Hashem Abedi, the brother of Manchester bomber, was found guilty of 22 counts of the murders. Said Abedi’s mother, “Why can’t you be more like your brother?!!?!”

18. Last week a woman gave birth the in toilet paper aisle of a Missouri Walmart. Luckily the aisle was completely sterile:

19. Joe Biden’s presidential campaign installed a television studio in his basement over the weekend. Oddly, it was the Teletubbies studio set:

20. Coronavirus has had a dramatic effect on the sex industry as many porn actors are avoiding contact with other performers and, as a result, suffering financially. So if you’ve ever fantasized about your favorite porn star ‘checking you out’ at the supermarket, there’s a real chance now:

October 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Oscar Pistorius was released from prison in South Africa on Monday and placed under house arrest. And really, what kind of trouble could Pistorius get into in his own home?

2. Apple has removed hundreds of apps from the iTunes App Store that secretly collected personal information from anyone who downloaded them. Said Apple, “That is an invasion of privacy and according to our customers’ private emails, telephone conversations and diary entires, they hate that sort of thing.”

3. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. “One ticket for the Minneapolis Zoo,” said a dentist.

4. Donald Trump said Monday he is confident NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not “dump” him from the show’s lineup. And, then to prove his point, Trump ripped up a picture of the Pope.

5. A 2 year-old in South Carolina, found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother. “You gotta charge and tackle that baby,” said Dr. Ben Carson.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he has “grave doubts” in fellow-candidate Donald Trump’s ability to appropriately handle America’s nuclear weapons. “You’re wrong,” said Trump, “I wouldn’t handle them, that would be Secretary of Defense Gary Busey’s job.”

7. President Obama and South Korean President Park Geun-hye said on Friday they were open to negotiations with North Korea, but Pyongyang needed to show it was serious about abandoning its nuclear weapons program. Said North Korea, “Does firing them at South Korea count as ‘abandoning’ them?”

8. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Tump took some heat for saying that George W. Bush must share some of the blame for the attacks on September 11th. Trump immediately backtracked, claiming he misspoke and when he said ‘some’ he meant ‘all’ and when he said ‘George’ he meant ‘Jeb.’

9. For the first time in more than 50 years, President Obama welcomed a musical band from Cuba, the Buena Vista Social Club, to the White House on Thursday. And, keeping with the theme of the night, after the event was over, Lou Bega swept-up.

10. A federal judge in Maryland has ruled that the state may start phasing out license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag as early as November. Although, if you were driving a car with a Confederate flag license plate around Baltimore, I’m pretty sure the residents already took care of that for you.

September 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Matt Damon has apologized after sparking an uproar in the season premiere of HBO’s “Project Greenlight,” which he produces with Ben Affleck, by explaining diversity in film to a black woman producer. But, in Damon’s defense, some of his best friend’s ancestors owned black people.

2. On Tuesday, CEO Tim Cook said he is working on a way to let iPhones users delete the seldom-used built-in apps that come preloaded on the phone. “I could have told you people don’t like it when you put things on their phones they can’t delete,” said U2.

3. Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate on CNN attracted over 22 million viewers, making it the highest-rated program in the channel’s history. “You’re welcome,” said Rand Paul.

4. This week, Taco Bell announced that it will begin opening new, higher-end restaurants called Taco Bell Cantinas. The new and old restaurants will be very similar, except in the fancier option there will be a bathroom attendant present to hear you have diarrhea.

5. A federal appeals court said Raanan Katz, a minority owner of the Miami Heat, cannot prevent a famously harsh blog from publishing an unflattering picture of him with his tongue protruding askew from his mouth. So, suck it, Raanan:
ranaan

6. On Thursday, restaurant chain Buffalo Wild Wings said it would stop airing commercials featuring actor Steve Rannazzisi after he admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Towers on 9/11. Buffalo Wild Wings will now go with their back-up spokesman, Brian Williams.

7. Under a proposed plan, New York City will require topless women, Elmo impersonators and other costumed characters who populate Times Square to work in designated zones that pedestrians can choose to steer clear of. I thought we already had an area like that that people avoided on purpose, it was called Times Square.

8. Yesterday, Air Canada flight 85 from Tel Aviv to Toronto made an emergency landing in Frankfurt to save a 7-year-old French bulldog named Simba riding in the overheated cargo hold. And no one was more upset about the decision to land the plan to save the bulldog than the dog’s uncle Scar.

9. According to a new study, kids who are rushed through school lunch end up throwing out more food because they don’t have enough time to eat. Although, if I remember school lunches correctly, that may be a good thing.

10. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Every ride ended with Jay taking the passengers to their destination, staying way too long and then refusing to leave.

11. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Passengers knew something was amiss when their Uber car was a 1937 steam-powered Studebaker.

12. According to a new report, despite a drop in the number of people facing starvation, nearly one third of the world’s population is malnourished. This study was conducted anywhere but the South.

13. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump if he weren’t her father. “This is the first time I wish I were related to Donald Trump,” said every woman everywhere.

14. Over the weekend, a British builder won the annual World Black Pudding Tossing Championship. “You had me at ‘black’ and lost me at ‘pudding,’” said George Zimmerman.

15. On Friday, former Texas Governor Rick Perry officially ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. So now, the remaining candidates will compete for Perry’s supporter.

16. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s newest TV campaign commercial highlights her granddaughter Charlotte. The ad features a crying Charlotte in a wig playing the role of Donald Trump.

17. The new Guinness Book of World Records was released last week and Andre Ortal of Germany snagged three records including fastest 100-meter dash wearing ski boots and fastest 100-meter dash wearing clogs. Ortal’s third record was most aggravated downstairs neighbor.

18. A new species of fish named the blue bastard has been discovered in Australia. So congratulations to whoever discovered it and my apologies to whoever it was named after.

19. A woman in Taiwan fulfilled her dying husband’s last wish by allowing strippers to perform at his funeral. So, turns out, the body wasn’t the only stiff in the room that day.

20. A mother in the U.K. has been arrested for giving her daughter over $500 worth of cocaine for her 18th birthday. But, in her defense, it was a cause for celebration, because, considering who her mother was, most people didn’t give the kid much of chance to live that long.

November 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Harvard University has started offering a new class as part of its annual sex week called Anal Sex 101. Really? Seems like more of a Brown University class.

2. Former Navy Seal Robert O’Neill said in an interview with the Washington Post that he was the one who fired the final shot to kill Osama bin Laden in 2011. “Well there go any plans to ever take a trip to the Middle East,” said every other Robert O’Neill.

3. Former Navy Seal Robert O’Neill said in an interview with the Washington Post that he was the one who fired the final shot to kill Osama bin Laden in 2011. Or, more accurately, O’Neill was telling any who would listen, and a Washington Post reporter just happened to be nearby.

4. Phil Rudd, the drummer for legendary rock band AC/DC, has been charged with attempting to have two men killed. If convicted, experts predict he could be sentenced to the most ironic use of the electric chair ever.

5. A newly published U.S. Army regulation says a service member can be referred to as a “Negro” when describing African American personnel. Although you may want to re-thing that if they’re carrying their government issued firearm.

6. A Kuwaiti man with minimal ties to al Qaeda, who was in Afghanistan days after 9/11, was released from the U.S. military prison in Guantanamo Bay on Tuesday, where he’s been held for the last 12 years. So if he wasn’t pissed at America before…

7. Yesterday, the NFL announced the teams that will play games in London next year, a list that includes the Buffalo Bills, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the New York Jets. Although it should be noted that the NFL only bought the Jaguars one-way plane tickets.

8. Yesterday, the NFL announced that teams that will play games in London next year, a list that includes the Buffalo Bills, the Jacksonville Jaguars and the New York Jets. Because, apparently, it’s not illegal to export crap.

9. Rock legends The Rolling Stones have canceled an upcoming concert in Australia after lead singer Mick Jagger was diagnosed with a throat infection. Or, as it is more commonly known, rigor mortis.

10. According to a Columbia University statistician, the tale that New York City is home to 8 million rats, one for every person, is an exaggeration, with the actual number closer to 2 million. Although, it will climb to 2 million and one if the Yankees reinstate A-Rod.

11. The world’s rarest postage stamp, the 1856 British Guiana One-Cent Magenta, will go on display at the National Postal Museum in Washington next year. Where it will undoubtedly underwhelm literally hundreds of kids on school field trips.

12. For the first time ever, Burger King has beaten McDonalds in sales. Experts attribute this to President Obama’s recent endorsement of McDonalds.

13. On Tuesday, voters in Arkansas chose to end alcohol prohibition in the state’s large number of dry counties. Wait, all this time that’s been you sober, Arkansas?

14. Facebook said requests by governments for user information rose by a quarter in the first half of 2014 when compared to the second half of last year. But, to be fair, the majority of those requests were from Italy’s Silvio Berlusconi asking for the email addresses of a bunch of 20-year-old chicks.

15. On Friday, scientists discovered a completely new species of frog in New York City. So now Terry Richardson is the second slimiest thing living in NYC.

16. According to reports, the Today show may hire Pippa Middleton as a correspondent. Which means Al Roker won’t be the only one on the show who never makes it to the throne.

Monologue Jokes – September 10, 2013

1. A new study suggests that women in their 40s may benefit from yearly mammograms. While doctors benefit from women in their 20s getting yearly mammograms.

2. While in North Korea, Dennis Rodman said he met Kim Jong Un’s secret baby. And, if anyone knows a thing or two about secret babies it’s a former NBA player.

3. After winning the U.S. Open on Sunday, Serena Williams admitted that having love in her life has been a key to her success over the 13 month period in which she has won an Olympic gold, two U.S. Opens and a French Open. “I know what you mean, although I wouldn’t refer to it as love,” said Tiger Woods.

4. A woman is suing a hospital in Southern California after her anesthesiologist drew a mustache on her face during surgery. But, in the doctor’s defense, it drew attention away from the dick he drew on her forehead.

5. According to new research, a 2012 national TV ad campaign that featured real people living with diseases caused by smoking was tied to over 100,000 people kicking the habit. Proving that not everyone knows how to operate a remote.

6. Police answered a 911 call from Shellie Zimmerman on Monday during which she said her husband, George Zimmerman, had threatened her and her father with a weapon. But, in George’s defense, that weapon turned out to be a bag of skittles.

7.The L.A. Kiss, an arena football team owned by the band KISS, has reportedly offered Tim Tebow a three-year contract. Although it doesn’t seem like a good fit since it combines two things he’s not particularly good at, kissing and playing football.

8. The state of Iowa is granting permits to acquire or carry guns to people who are legally or completely blind. So good luck with those orange vests, other hunters.

9. Over the weekend, an angry moose smashed through the glass doors of a Norwegian school. Next up, the glass ceiling that says moose can’t pull Santa’s sled.

10. A website named GhettoTracker.com launched earlier this week that invites locals to rate neighborhoods in their cities and identify which areas are unsafe, or as the homepage puts it, “ghetto.” Many are skeptical of the site, but it does have some practical purposes like keeping track of the whereabouts of Flavor Flav.