October 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Oscar Pistorius was released from prison in South Africa on Monday and placed under house arrest. And really, what kind of trouble could Pistorius get into in his own home?

2. Apple has removed hundreds of apps from the iTunes App Store that secretly collected personal information from anyone who downloaded them. Said Apple, “That is an invasion of privacy and according to our customers’ private emails, telephone conversations and diary entires, they hate that sort of thing.”

3. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. “One ticket for the Minneapolis Zoo,” said a dentist.

4. Donald Trump said Monday he is confident NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not “dump” him from the show’s lineup. And, then to prove his point, Trump ripped up a picture of the Pope.

5. A 2 year-old in South Carolina, found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother. “You gotta charge and tackle that baby,” said Dr. Ben Carson.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he has “grave doubts” in fellow-candidate Donald Trump’s ability to appropriately handle America’s nuclear weapons. “You’re wrong,” said Trump, “I wouldn’t handle them, that would be Secretary of Defense Gary Busey’s job.”

7. President Obama and South Korean President Park Geun-hye said on Friday they were open to negotiations with North Korea, but Pyongyang needed to show it was serious about abandoning its nuclear weapons program. Said North Korea, “Does firing them at South Korea count as ‘abandoning’ them?”

8. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Tump took some heat for saying that George W. Bush must share some of the blame for the attacks on September 11th. Trump immediately backtracked, claiming he misspoke and when he said ‘some’ he meant ‘all’ and when he said ‘George’ he meant ‘Jeb.’

9. For the first time in more than 50 years, President Obama welcomed a musical band from Cuba, the Buena Vista Social Club, to the White House on Thursday. And, keeping with the theme of the night, after the event was over, Lou Bega swept-up.

10. A federal judge in Maryland has ruled that the state may start phasing out license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag as early as November. Although, if you were driving a car with a Confederate flag license plate around Baltimore, I’m pretty sure the residents already took care of that for you.

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