March 3, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Over the weekend, a woman attempted to board a flight at Baltimore-Washington International Airpot with gun-themed shoes. “You had me at ‘gun-themed’ and lost me at ‘shoes,’” said Oscar Pistorius.

2. Yesterday, a 4-year old Australian boy intrigued by a packet of Oreos was freed after his arm was stuck for hours from the first vending machine he’d ever seen in his entire life. “Whoa, whoa, back up, what happened to the Oreos?” said Chris Christie.

3. Donald Trump on Wednesday laid out for the first time how he will reform the U.S. health care system in a seven-point health care reform plan. Unfortunately, points one through six are make a tremendously great healthcare system and point seven is get Mexico to pay for it.

4. A New York judge on Wednesday urged Madonna and her ex-husband Guy Ritchie to work together to decide who should have custody over their 15 year-old son, Rocco. Said Rocco, “Is there a third option?”

5. Yesterday Lady Gaga revealed that her grandmother and aunt didn’t know she was a sexual assault survivor until her powerful Oscars performance Sunday night. The Oscar telecast is also how Mel Gibson found out that they made another a “Mad Max” movie.

6. On Wednesday, Ben Carson said he didn’t “see a political path forward” in the Republican presidential nomination process, and, thus, will not attend Thursday’s GOP presidential debate. Carson had to make this announcement ahead of the debate, because if he didn’t, no one would have noticed that he wasn’t there.

7. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said on Wednesday that he does not see a “political path forward” in his 2016 bid for the White House. Although, you tend not to see a whole lot of things when your eyes are only half-opened all the time.

8. Republican Senator Lindsey Graham said Thursday that his party needs to get behind a unity candidate to defeat Donald Trump, even if that means backing Ted Cruz. Which explains Cruz’s new campaign slogan “Ted Cruz: You Could Do Worse.”

9. A breed of sheep believed to have been raised by the Jewish patriarch Jacob may soon be brought to Israel, its Biblical homeland, after an Israeli couple gathered a herd in Canada and brokered an agreement to import the animals. Marking the first time Canada has exported any type of livestock since they shipped out that jackass Ted Cruz.

10. According to a spokesperson, the Koch brothers, the most powerful conservative mega donors in the United States, will not use their $400 million political arsenal to block Republican front-runner Donald Trump’s path to the presidential nomination. Said the Koch brothers, “$400 million? We know a guy who will get rid of him for a cool twenty grand.”

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