Tag Archives: the Penguin

August 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former number one overall NBA draft pick, seven-foot tall Greg Oden, has signed a one-year to play for the Jiangsu Dragons in the Chinese Basketball League. In reaction, the Dragons’ arch-rivals, the Shanghai Sharks have signed Mothra.

2. Yesterday, Donald Trump told a boy at the Iowa state fair that he is Batman. Really Donald? Because you’re posture, clothes and overall demeanor scream Penguin.

3. Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has bought an apartment for $18.5 million in New York City’s Trump Tower. Or, as the paperwork has him listed, Chris Ronaldson.

4. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

5. Northwestern University football players lost a bid to unionize on Monday when the U.S. National Labor Relations Board dismissed their case. The Northwestern football team can now “in court” to the long list of places they have lost.

6. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

7. Actor Emile Hirsch will serve 15 days in jail after he pled guilty on Monday to a misdemeanor assault charge for putting a female movie executive in a headlock at a film festival. The judge was going to sentence Hirsch to a year but then found out it was the executive who green-lit “Pixels.”

8. According to a new survey, McDonald’s is the top choice amongst consumers who crave breakfast at any hour of the day. Because giving up shouldn’t just be confined to the morning hours.

9. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Although, to be fair, they are Eskimo brothers now.

10. New York City students scored slightly higher on math and reading exams this year than previous years. Sounds like some students learned how to write their names.

February 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Two escaped llamas led authorities in Phoenix on a long chase on Thursday as audiences nationwide were captivated by the live feed on their TVs. The last time America was this focused on a police chase involving an animal, it was a white Bronco.

2. Amazon.com has hired President Obama’s former spokesman Jay Carney as its new senior vice president for worldwide corporate affairs. Carney’s new job, much like his old one, involves using drones to deliver packages.

3. An Idaho lawmaker was informed that a woman’s stomach is not connected to her uterus after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam. Said the lawmaker, “And what role does the stork play in all of this?”

4. Germany’s Jewish community leader has advised Jews not to wear yarmulkes in areas of the country that contain large Muslim populations. Although, I get the sense that Jews who voluntarily choose to live in Germany don’t pay much attention to safety warnings.

5. Police said on Thursday, the $150,000 custom-made, Calvin Klein dress composed of 6,000 natural white pearls worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o to this year’s Academy Awards has been stolen. “Now you know how we feel,” said 6,000 oysters.

6. KFC announced that it plans on rolling out a new completely edible cup later this year. Because sometimes you want to destroy all evidence that you went to KFC.

7. A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the books. Sorry, let me correct that, a man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the book.

8. Wednesday night, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel surprised guest Will Smith with a Skype video call from DJ Jazzy Jeff. And no one was more surprised than I was to learn that DJ Jazzy Jeff owns a computer.

9. According to a new study, the most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are golf equipment stores. While the second most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are “golf equipment stores.”

10. A student at Philadelphia University has created a replica Batman costume that can protect him against punches, machetes and baseball bats. And, also, apparently girls.

11. Honey Boo Boo is recording a music video with her family for her original song “The Honey Boo Boo Bop.” Said the director, ‘Don’t worry, I got a lot of wide camera lenses.”

12. In a recent comic book it was revealed that Catwoman, one of Batman’s arch-enemies, is bisexual. “Bisexual? That bitch told me she was gay!” said the Penguin.

13. Wednesday night’s episode of “Modern Family” was shot entirely with Apple products, including iPhones and iPads, to highlight the part of the story where each member of the family was in a different part of Chicago. The family was supposed to be together, but, unfortunately, everyone used Apple Maps for directions.

14. Yesterday, Kanye West apologized to Beck on twitter for his outburst during this year’s Grammys. Proving that Kanye may be a humbler than we thought or, more likely, that Kanye doesn’t write his own tweets.

15. Nickelodeon unveiled on Wednesday a paid streaming service for children called Noggin that will launch on March 5 for $5.99 a month. Nickelodeon settled on $6 after extensive research determined that was what overwhelmed parents would pay to get their children to shut up.

16. Ride service Uber said on Thursday it was suspending its operations in Boise, Idaho, after reaching an impasse in negotiations with city leaders over new regulations. So now Boise residents will have to figure out a new way to get the hell out of Idaho.

17. It was announced that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. Giving your uncle a new way to send you racist texts about Obama.

18. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. Said the man “Yabadabado!”

Monologue Jokes – August 26, 2013

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1. San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who is facing a sexual harassment lawsuit and a string of allegations of inappropriate behavior towards women, said on Friday he will resign. It should be noted, that on his way out Filner intentionally let the door hit him in the ass.

2. According to a new study, half of people with psoriasis are not satisfied with the treatment they’re receiving for the skin condition. And you can read the dissatisfaction all over their face.

3. Over the weekend, former heavyweight champion Mike Tyson said he was one the “verge of dying” due to drugs and alcohol but has been sober now for six days. So let this be a lesson to all you kids, the man with the face tattoo may not be as together as he seems.

4. American Eric “Mean” Melin was crowned air guitar world champion on Friday after his rendition of Weezer’s “Dope Note” took home first place at the annual competition in Finland. The trophy will look great next to all his other imaginary accomplishments.

5. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. So stop asking me to put my seat back in the upright position, this kid was in a wheel well.

6. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. When asked what prompted him to take such a risk, the teenager said, “It was either that or fly Delta.”

7. On Sunday, a Nigerian teenager hid in the wheel compartment of an airplane and survived the half hour flight from Benin to Lagos. On the plus side, he survived, on the down side, airlines discovered another seat they can charge for.

8. On Friday, Warner Brothers announced that Ben Affleck will take over the coveted role of Batman. So expect the next Batman to have battles with the Joker, the Penguin and the correction pronunciation of the letter “r.”

9. On Saturday, New York’s Attorney General filed a lawsuit against Donald Trump accusing the businessman of defrauding students who studied at his investment institute. Students became suspicious of the school’s teachings when the first step to financial success was “make sure your father is extremely wealthy.”

10. Over the weekend, the IRS announced that the estate of pop music legend Michael Jackson owes $702 million in federal taxes and penalties after undervaluing some of the late star’s assets. But, in their defense, it’s hard to find an accountant who knows how to properly value things like the Elephant Man’s bones, finger paintings by Macaulay Culkin and a life-sized replica of Jackson as Batman. (No joke, those are things that he actually owned)