Tag Archives: Godzilla

August 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Former number one overall NBA draft pick, seven-foot tall Greg Oden, has signed a one-year to play for the Jiangsu Dragons in the Chinese Basketball League. In reaction, the Dragons’ arch-rivals, the Shanghai Sharks have signed Mothra.

2. Yesterday, Donald Trump told a boy at the Iowa state fair that he is Batman. Really Donald? Because you’re posture, clothes and overall demeanor scream Penguin.

3. Real Madrid soccer player Cristiano Ronaldo has bought an apartment for $18.5 million in New York City’s Trump Tower. Or, as the paperwork has him listed, Chris Ronaldson.

4. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

5. Northwestern University football players lost a bid to unionize on Monday when the U.S. National Labor Relations Board dismissed their case. The Northwestern football team can now “in court” to the long list of places they have lost.

6. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

7. Actor Emile Hirsch will serve 15 days in jail after he pled guilty on Monday to a misdemeanor assault charge for putting a female movie executive in a headlock at a film festival. The judge was going to sentence Hirsch to a year but then found out it was the executive who green-lit “Pixels.”

8. According to a new survey, McDonald’s is the top choice amongst consumers who crave breakfast at any hour of the day. Because giving up shouldn’t just be confined to the morning hours.

9. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Although, to be fair, they are Eskimo brothers now.

10. New York City students scored slightly higher on math and reading exams this year than previous years. Sounds like some students learned how to write their names.

September 23, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Chancellor Angela Merkel won a landslide victory in a German election on Sunday, putting her within reach of the first absolute majority in parliament in half a century. And what could go wrong by giving one person absolute majority power in Germany?

2. U.S. authorities have seized ice-cream waffle cones from a food storage facility in Virginia after inspectors found a widespread rodent and insect infestation on the premises. So maybe those weren’t sprinkles.

3. Yesterday, Swedish golfer Henrik Stenson won the Tour Championship, taking over the number one spot in the FedEx rankings and earning a $10 million payday. Stenson took the top ranking from Tiger Woods, but luckily Woods has ample experience losing millions of dollars to a blonde from Sweden.

4. China’s richest man, property developer Wang Jianlin, unveiled a planned $8.2 billion “motion-picture city” which is described as the biggest ever single investment in the movie and television industry. Although it seems like a bad investment since Jianlin refused to take my advice and make the city Godzilla-proof.

5. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So Putin’s hard-line stance on gay rights does have some positives effects.

6. Pop singer Selena Gomez was forced to cancel two concerts in Russia after violating new visa rules which critics say are being used to keep out Western artists who promote gay rights. So enjoy Limp Bizkit, Russia.

7. A Venezuelan state agency on Friday ordered the temporary takeover of a factory that produces toilet paper in what it called an effort to ensure consistent supplies after embarrassing shortages earlier this year. So if you’re planning a trip to Venezuela any time soon, maybe go with the fist-bump instead of the handshake while there.

8. After going missing for over 75 years, the first U.S. film to warn about the dangers of Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime has been found in a Brussels archive. While the first U.S. film to glorify Adolf Hitler’s Nazi regime is still locked away safely in Mel Gibson’s personal archive.

9. On Friday, New York City’s Department of Health and Mental Hygiene said that its new $316 million headquarters in the borough of Queens is infected with bed bugs. Despite that, it is still the cleanest thing in Queens.

10. Nike co-founder Phil Knight announced he was donating half a billion dollars to the Oregon Health & Science University’s cancer research institute. Which seems like a noble endeavor, but it should be noted that the mission of the institute is to give cancer to Nick Saban.

11. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. Said Bolton, “And now it’s a waiting game.”

12. 83-year-old, billionaire investor George Soros wed for the third time over the weekend, this time to 42-year-old girlfriend Tamiko Bolton. I get the feeling that the cane Soros used to walk down the aisle wasn’t the only thing that was “iron-clad.”

March 1, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Mexican authorities have confiscated an air-powered “drug cannon” used to fire bags filled with drugs into the air, across the border and onto American soil. This may explain the rise in crackheads doing rain-dances in Arizona.

2. South Dakota and Arkansas recently passed bills making it harder for women to get abortions. Which is ironic, because I think we’d all be fine if there were fewer people from those two states.

3. Scottish singer Susan Boyle will make her silver screen debut in the upcoming British film “The Christmas Candle.” The film tells the tale of an enchanted Christmas candle, a village that must confront the dawning of the 20th century and a new skeptical minister. Boyle will play Godzilla.

4. Kim Kardashian and boyfriend Kanye West recently graced the cover of a magazine in a pose suggesting they were having sex. It’s all part of Kim’s goal to be recorded in every medium having sex. Next up, phonograph.

5. Before he resigned, the Pope sent out one last official tweet which read, “Thank you for your love and support. May you always experience the joy that comes from putting Christ at the center of your lives.” The former Pope has opened up his own personal twitter account now because since he is no longer the Pope he had to relinquish the official Pope twitter account, but, so far, the new account is pretty much just dick pics.

6. Today marks the first day in the search for the next Pope. And if I may be so bold, I know a guy who would be perfect and is looking for a new job, how about Pope Tebow?

7. While in North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman took in a basketball game with the country’s supreme leader Kim Jong Un. After which, Rodman told Kim, “You have a friend for life.” Damn they’re quick at brainwashing over there.

8. While in North Korea, former NBA star Dennis Rodman took in a basketball game with the country’s supreme leader Kim Jong Un. The two were seen laughing and hugging during the game. Is it possible that Kim thought it was Obama?

9. A young girl named Evie, who recently took a trip to Yosemite National Park, wrote a letter to park officials returning two sticks and apologizing for “accidentally” removing items from the park and breaking the law. The U.S. Department of the Interior, which is in charge of federal park lands, called the story the, “Cutest. Story. Ever.” which is why Evie is only getting one year at Sing-sing.

10. The FAA is looking into a video tape of “the Harlem Shake” that was filmed aboard a plane in flight in which all passengers got up from their seats and danced and jumped in the aisle at once. But in the passengers’ defense, the “fasten seat belt” light was not illuminated.