February 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Two escaped llamas led authorities in Phoenix on a long chase on Thursday as audiences nationwide were captivated by the live feed on their TVs. The last time America was this focused on a police chase involving an animal, it was a white Bronco.

2. Amazon.com has hired President Obama’s former spokesman Jay Carney as its new senior vice president for worldwide corporate affairs. Carney’s new job, much like his old one, involves using drones to deliver packages.

3. An Idaho lawmaker was informed that a woman’s stomach is not connected to her uterus after asking if a woman can swallow a small camera for doctors to conduct a remote gynecological exam. Said the lawmaker, “And what role does the stork play in all of this?”

4. Germany’s Jewish community leader has advised Jews not to wear yarmulkes in areas of the country that contain large Muslim populations. Although, I get the sense that Jews who voluntarily choose to live in Germany don’t pay much attention to safety warnings.

5. Police said on Thursday, the $150,000 custom-made, Calvin Klein dress composed of 6,000 natural white pearls worn by actress Lupita Nyong’o to this year’s Academy Awards has been stolen. “Now you know how we feel,” said 6,000 oysters.

6. KFC announced that it plans on rolling out a new completely edible cup later this year. Because sometimes you want to destroy all evidence that you went to KFC.

7. A man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the books. Sorry, let me correct that, a man in Florida was arrested after he was caught in a public library urinating on the book.

8. Wednesday night, on Jimmy Kimmel Live, Kimmel surprised guest Will Smith with a Skype video call from DJ Jazzy Jeff. And no one was more surprised than I was to learn that DJ Jazzy Jeff owns a computer.

9. According to a new study, the most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are golf equipment stores. While the second most popular type of businesses in New Jersey are “golf equipment stores.”

10. A student at Philadelphia University has created a replica Batman costume that can protect him against punches, machetes and baseball bats. And, also, apparently girls.

11. Honey Boo Boo is recording a music video with her family for her original song “The Honey Boo Boo Bop.” Said the director, ‘Don’t worry, I got a lot of wide camera lenses.”

12. In a recent comic book it was revealed that Catwoman, one of Batman’s arch-enemies, is bisexual. “Bisexual? That bitch told me she was gay!” said the Penguin.

13. Wednesday night’s episode of “Modern Family” was shot entirely with Apple products, including iPhones and iPads, to highlight the part of the story where each member of the family was in a different part of Chicago. The family was supposed to be together, but, unfortunately, everyone used Apple Maps for directions.

14. Yesterday, Kanye West apologized to Beck on twitter for his outburst during this year’s Grammys. Proving that Kanye may be a humbler than we thought or, more likely, that Kanye doesn’t write his own tweets.

15. Nickelodeon unveiled on Wednesday a paid streaming service for children called Noggin that will launch on March 5 for $5.99 a month. Nickelodeon settled on $6 after extensive research determined that was what overwhelmed parents would pay to get their children to shut up.

16. Ride service Uber said on Thursday it was suspending its operations in Boise, Idaho, after reaching an impasse in negotiations with city leaders over new regulations. So now Boise residents will have to figure out a new way to get the hell out of Idaho.

17. It was announced that Apple’s new iOS will include African-American emojis. Giving your uncle a new way to send you racist texts about Obama.

18. Last week, a man in Florida threatened to blow up a bar after the bartender wouldn’t let him pay his tab with a rock. Said the man “Yabadabado!”

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