August 16, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After announcing that he will try his hand in baseball, former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow is now selling autographed baseballs online for $125. It’s perfect for any Tim Tebow fan who has a baseball they want to devalue.

2. The Republican party began a campaign on Monday to get American voters living in Israel to cast absentee ballots in favor of Donald Trump. Not many people know it, but Trump is secretly a very observant Jew, otherwise why would he always be wearing that hairy yarmulke on his head?

3. On Monday, the International Olympic Committee issued an announcement saying that cheats using designer drugs or gene doping at the Rio Olympics should know they will eventually be found out. Although, it was a little presumptuous of the IOC to only release that announcement in Russian.

4. Comedian Kevin Hart married his longtime girlfriend over the weekend. The bride wore Vera Wang while Hart wore what appeared to be a tuxedo made for a child’s teddy bear.

5. Researchers have developed a map comparing the average breast sizes of women from all around the world. Even more impressive, it’s a topographical map.

6. Last week, residents of Rio de Janeiro spotted a severed leg floating in the water just a few miles from Olympics sailing events. So now, Oscar Pistorius is really mad about missing these games. They’re just giving away legs over there.

7. Yesterday, the Milwaukee Bucks hired Craig Robinson, the brother of First Lady Michelle Obama, as their vice president of player development. Not surprising that the job went to the applicant that listed “the fucking President of the United States” as his reference.

8. Reigning Olympic pole vaulting champion Jenn Shur has contracted a virus in Rio that could affect her jumping. The virus is called Knickitis.

9. Outlining his plan to fight ISIS and protect American borders, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said the U.S. needs “extreme vetting” of immigrants. Then he showed an example of the new, harsher test he had in mind:
paper

10. An auto repair shop owner in Maine was arrested after he sold a customer’s car. But, in his defense, it does sound like he repaired it.

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