June 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new survey, half of the apartment complexes in close range to two Texas Universities offer free, on-site, indoor tanning beds. When tanning expert Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was asked for her opinion on the matter, she said, “What’s a university?”

2. According to a new survey, a powered prosthetic leg that predicts when the wearer is about to take steps on flat or inclined surfaces, or climb stairs, helped improve prosthesis control. Which means, in the not-too-distant future, Oscar Pistorius’s leg will now when he’s about to commit a murder before he does.

3. Former Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld now said that the goal of creating democracy in Iraq was “unrealistic” and that he was “concerned” when he first heard the idea floated by President George W. Bush. But not as concerned as the first time he heard the phrase “President George W. Bush.”

4. Miami Dolphins defensive lineman A.J. Francis, who earns $510,000 a year, moonlights as an Uber driver in his spare time. Francis, who knows the city well, can take passengers anywhere they want to go, unless, of course, they want to go to the playoffs.

5. Actress Jennifer Aniston honored her dead dog by having his name tattooed on her foot. She also tattooed Brad Pitt’s name on her other foot hoping the trend will continue.

6. Kanye West and Kim Kardashian are reportedly making a movie about their lives. The film will be shot in IMAX to fit both Kim’s ass and Kanye’s head into the picture.

7. Germans need to overcome their traditional fear of the large scale collection of personal data by companies and instead embrace its opportunities or risk being marginalized in the global economy, Chancellor Angela Merkel said on Tuesday. Or, at least, that’s what she wrote in a private email to one of her advisors.

8. New research suggests, constant stress on the job doesn’t necessarily lead to people gaining weight. So, yeah, you’re doing that now you’re own, tubby.

9. In a new magazine spread, singer Miley Cyrus poses naked, covered in mud, wrestling a pig. So I guess she really is Billy Ray’s daughter.

10. In an interview over the weekend, GOP presidential candidate Lindsey Graham said, “If Caitlyn Jenner wants to be a Republican, she’s welcome in my party … I’m into addition.” Unfortunately Caitlyn’s a little more focused on subtraction at the present moment.

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