Tag Archives: Confederate Flag

October 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Oscar Pistorius was released from prison in South Africa on Monday and placed under house arrest. And really, what kind of trouble could Pistorius get into in his own home?

2. Apple has removed hundreds of apps from the iTunes App Store that secretly collected personal information from anyone who downloaded them. Said Apple, “That is an invasion of privacy and according to our customers’ private emails, telephone conversations and diary entires, they hate that sort of thing.”

3. A hunter in Norway shot and killed two moose before realizing he was shooting through the fence of a zoo. “One ticket for the Minneapolis Zoo,” said a dentist.

4. Donald Trump said Monday he is confident NBC’s “Saturday Night Live” will not “dump” him from the show’s lineup. And, then to prove his point, Trump ripped up a picture of the Pope.

5. A 2 year-old in South Carolina, found a revolver in the car and ended up shooting his grandmother. “You gotta charge and tackle that baby,” said Dr. Ben Carson.

6. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said he has “grave doubts” in fellow-candidate Donald Trump’s ability to appropriately handle America’s nuclear weapons. “You’re wrong,” said Trump, “I wouldn’t handle them, that would be Secretary of Defense Gary Busey’s job.”

7. President Obama and South Korean President Park Geun-hye said on Friday they were open to negotiations with North Korea, but Pyongyang needed to show it was serious about abandoning its nuclear weapons program. Said North Korea, “Does firing them at South Korea count as ‘abandoning’ them?”

8. On Friday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Tump took some heat for saying that George W. Bush must share some of the blame for the attacks on September 11th. Trump immediately backtracked, claiming he misspoke and when he said ‘some’ he meant ‘all’ and when he said ‘George’ he meant ‘Jeb.’

9. For the first time in more than 50 years, President Obama welcomed a musical band from Cuba, the Buena Vista Social Club, to the White House on Thursday. And, keeping with the theme of the night, after the event was over, Lou Bega swept-up.

10. A federal judge in Maryland has ruled that the state may start phasing out license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag as early as November. Although, if you were driving a car with a Confederate flag license plate around Baltimore, I’m pretty sure the residents already took care of that for you.

August 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After being outed by the Ashley Madison information dump, Celia Walden, the journalist wife of Piers Morgan, admitting to having an account on the infidelity website by only because she was working on a story about the site’s founder. Although, a more believable excuse would have been that she’s married to Piers Morgan.

2. At a campaign stop this week, presidential candidate Marco Rubio accidentally hit a kid in the face with a football while playing catch. Thus, locking up the all-important Jan Brady vote.

3. A West Virginia mother is upset because her son’s high school will not allow him to wear a t-shirt featuring the Confederate flag. Although, if I’m a high school in West Virginia, I’m just happy when the students show up wearing shirts, period.

4. According to a new report, a tweet from LeBron James is worth $140,000. “Big deal, one tweet cost me way more than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

5. According to a massive data dump by hackers, disgraced reality TV star Josh Duggar, who is accused of molesting five minors, had two accounts on the cheating website Ashley Madison. Said Duggar, “Well, at least the stories about me are getting better.”

6. According to data, July was the warmest month ever recorded. “So it’s not just me, it is hot in here, right?” said Josh Duggar.

7. A fake U.S. presidential candidate named Deez Nuts has stirred a social media frenzy by polling nearly 10 percent of registered North Carolina voters in a hypothetical match-up against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Which means, as long as Hillary doesn’t win, we will have a President Nuts.

8. Former U.S. boxing champion Roy Jones Jr. has filed for Russian citizenship. Any chance you guys want Tyson too?

9. Former reality TV star Josh Duggar on Thursday admitted to cheating on his wife after the massive hacker breach revealed that he was a member of the infidelity website Ashley Madison. That unbelievable story again, there was at least one real-live woman on Ashley Madison.

10. Yesterday, two more women came forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexually assaulting them in the 1970s. Said Cosby, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

11. On Thursday, David Sweat, the New York prison escapee who was at the center of a three-week manhunt, pled not guilty to two charges of escaping prison. Which means Sweat either has the best or worst lawyer in the world.

12. A sex toy company has come out with the first-ever Apple watch controlled vibrator. “Back in my day, we had to use our iPhones,” said your grandma.

13. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” Said the reporter, “Okay, but you still haven’t explained why you’re wearing those ruby red slippers.”

14. A U.S. appeals court on Wednesday ruled that the uniforms worn by cheerleaders across the country can be copyrighted under federal law. The judge was swayed by the cheerleaders’ argument which started with, “Give me a C. C, you got your C, you got your C. Give me an O …”

15. Donald Trump appeared to contradict his own immigration policy proposed on Tuesday, just two days after releasing a detailed outline of his plan. Then Trump called himself from two days earlier a moron.

16. According to a new study, women’s brains responded better to romantic cues if they had eaten first. “Oh yeah, you can’t drink on a empty stomach,” said Cosby.

17. On Tuesday, the State Department said there is no timeline for reestablishing commercial air travel to and from Cuba. “Looks like I’m back in business,” said Jorge of Jorge’s Makeshift Rafts.

18. Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker on Tuesday unveiled his healthcare plan under which credits would be given to tax payers to purchase health insurance based on age. For instance, those under 17 would be given a $900 tax credit while Larry King will be given all of Arizona and parts of New Mexico.

19. On Friday, the British palace sent a letter to all media groups asking them to back off coverage of 2-year-old Prince George, citing multiple examples of the extremes the paparazzi have taken to snap a picture. Even more concerning the for the young prince’s safety, he has started dating Dodi Fayed.

20. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. Novaes didn’t know she was pregnant until three months later because non one wanted to tell her she had put on a few pounds.

August 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, former Subway pitchman Jared Fogel pled guilty to charges of child pornography and sex with minors which carries a jail sentence of five to twelve years. Said Fogel, “I’ll take a five and a twelve year-old.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

3. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

4. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the lair of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. Well, at least you know the walls are thick and the neighbors keep to themselves.

5. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the liar of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. It’s a three bedroom, two bath with a very unfinished basement.

6. This week, Donald Trump said it would be extremely easy to round up all the undocumented immigrants in the country. I didn’t hear the rest of the interview, but I’m sure whatever followed was crazy racist.

7. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” “I still got dibs on the Tin Man, right?” said Romney.

8. On Monday, a former senior advisor to President Obama suggested that Hillary Clinton is like Scottie Pippen to President Obama’s Michael Jordan. Although a better comparison would have been Bill Clinton to literally any basketball player ever.

9. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Which can only mean one thing, Zimmerman is running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”

July 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to reports, Italian Cyclist Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine following the fourth stage of the Tour de France. Officials became suspicious after Paolini finished those four stages without using a bike.

2. The Swiss attorney general’s office said on Sunday it has collected 81 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to FIFA’s decision to let Russia and Qatar host upcoming World Cup tournaments. “81 reports isn’t that many,” said Camille Cosby.

3. Mexico’s most notorious and dangerous drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman broke out of a high security prison for the second time, escaping in a tunnel built right under his cell. Which, I assume, has Donald Trump really nervous right about now.

4. During a speech in Arizona on Saturday, presidential candidate Donald Trump made fun of Secretary of State John Kerry for breaking his leg in a bike accident. And, to be fair, Trump is in pretty good shape and quite flexible from patting himself on the back so much.

5. Donald Trump has vaulted into the a tie with Jeb Bush atop the field of Republican presidential candidates. This according to a Reuters poll and every one of Hillary Clinton’s wet dreams.

6. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump met in Los Angeles on Friday with families whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. Because, apparently, those families haven’t already suffered enough.

7. According to reports, the Spice Girls are planning on celebrating the 20-year anniversary of the release of their debut single ‘Wannabe’ next year with a special one-off performance. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

8. On Friday, NCAA President Mark Emmert said South Carolina can now host championship-level college sporting events after the Confederate flag was removed from the grounds of the state capitol. Because nothing says we disapprove of slavery like a giant organization that hauls in billions of dollars on the backs of unpaid athletes.

9. The first chapter of Harper Lee’s second novel was released on Friday, showing her “To Kill a Mockingbird” character Scout Finch as a sexually-liberated young woman and her father Atticus Finch battling rheumatoid arthritis. Critics describe it as “50 Shades of Grey” meets just plain gray.

10. According to draft legislation, Mexico City could become the first city in the world to enforce a minimum car value of 250,000 pesos, which is roughly $16,000. Said one prospective Mexican Uber driver, “So I bought this donkey for nothing?”

July 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. In an interview on Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said Americans “need to work longer hours.” This coming from a guy who hasn’t held a job since 2007.

2. Last week, the White House state dining room was redecorated for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Bill Clinton famously didn’t like that the carpet matched the curtains, saying, “I prefer no carpet at all.”

3. The Texas-based Helping a Hero charity told ABC News that former President George W. Bush charged $100,000 for his 2012 speech at a charity fundraiser for veterans who lost limbs in Afghanistan and Iraq. When Bush took the stage the veterans declines to give him a hand since many of them already had.

4. A sexual assault survivor organization is petitioning the White House to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom Bill Cosby received in 2002. You gotta admit, it’s pretty impressive that giving a presidential medal to a serial rapist isn’t even close to the worse decision Bush made while in office.

5. Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said he is “proud to stand with Donald Trump” on his recent controversial comments regarding Mexicans and immigration. You’re last name is ‘Cruz’ and you’re from Canada, you moron.

6. The woman at the center of a legal fight to have the Washington Redskins NFL team change its name equated the moniker with the Confederate flag on Thursday. Which may not be the best comparison, because I’m pretty sure the Confederacy won at least a few battles.

7. Inspired by the movie “Forrest Gump,” a Michigan man has set out to run across America in 100 days. While, from the look of it, the rest of America used the movie as inspiration to eat an entire box of chocolates.

8. While performing in a play Wednesday night, Tony-winning actress Patti LuPone grabbed a cell phone from an audience member who was busy typing on the device. To add insult to injury, when LuPone looked at the phone she saw the audience member was googling “Who the fuck is Patti LuPone?”

9. Republican Donald Trump on Wednesday said he would win the Latino vote if he gets his party’s nomination. Adding, “Murderers and rapists love me.”

10. A new study suggests women who experience moderate to severe menopause symptoms such as hot flashes and night sweats are more likely to suffer from poor overall well-being. “So far, so good,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

11. Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore said on Tuesday he would join the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Bringing the grand total of Republican candidates to all, all of the Republicans.

12. President Obama will hold talks with Vietnam Communist Party chief Nguyen Phu Trong at the White House this week. “See, we told you!” said FoxNews.

13. A 108-year-old woman is set to throw out the first pitch at the Seattle Mariners game this Saturday. Said the woman, “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks, because odds are I’m not coming back.”

July 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, Macy’s took Donald Trump’s menswear collection off of its shelves in response to the billionaire’s recent controversial comments regarding Mexicans. Leaving used car salesmen and scumbags in general at a loss for what to wear to work tomorrow.

2. On Wednesday, Mayor Bill de Blasio said New York City is reviewing its contracts with Donald Trump following comments by the presidential candidate that were derogatory towards Mexicans. It seems like, at this point, Trump is running for president because he needs a job.

3. According to reports, the Trump Hotel Collection, a string of luxury hotel properties owned by Donald Trump, is the latest victim of a massive credit card breach. Authorities believe a group of highly-skilled and technically savvy cyber criminals is behind the breach while Trump blames the Mexicans.

4. Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton has raised more than $45 million since she entered the race in April. And, in related news, Bernie Sanders found a $5 bill in an old pair of pants.

5. Captured escapee David Sweat told investigators that he split up with fellow escapee Richard Matt because Matt kept getting drunk. But, in Matt’s defense, he was on vacation.

6. In the wake of the controversy surrounding the confederate flag, TV Land has pulled all episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard,” which features a car with the flag painted on its roof, from its schedule. So now we know our mission, somehow get a confederate flag on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

7. Sepp Blatter, president of the embattled international soccer agency FIFA, has told a German magazine he has a clean conscience and believes he will “go to heaven one day.” Which can only mean one thing, heaven accepts bribes.

8. According to a new study, nearly half of first-time mothers in the U.S. gain too much weight during pregnancy. You can read more about the study in this month’s Medical Journal of Things You Should Probably Keep to Yourself.

9. On Wednesday, Lions Gate Entertainment announced that it will produce a movie based on the boardgame Monopoly. Lions Gate got the idea when it ran out of ideas.

10. The New York times caused an uproar on Wednesday when it suggested that people use peas in their guacamole. Although, if you’re rude to your waiter in a Mexican restaurant, he’ll do that himself.

July 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016, joining a crowded field of 13 candidates who have already announced. Which is weird, because usually when Christie joins a race, he needs a head-start.

2. Yesterday, Chris Christie announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidency in his high school gymnasium. Said Christie, “Oh, that’s what the inside of this place looks like.”

3. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Jeb Bush released his tax returns revealing that he’s worth between $19 and $22 million. When reached for comment, Mitt Romney could not stop laughing.

4. On Tuesday, a man in a wheelchair robbed a bank in New York, making off with over $1,200 in cash. Said the bank owner, “I knew I shouldn’t have installed that ramp.”

5. A video has gone viral showing a procession of a dozen trucks proudly flying the confederate flag crashing into each other. Said the claims adjuster, “Your insurance premiums will rise again.”

6. According to a new survey, nearly one out of every three American adults owns a gun. While the remaining two-thirds were immediately mugged by the survey taker.

7. Yesterday, actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner filed for divorce after ten years of marriage. Sounds like someone finally got around to watching “Gigli.”

8. On Wednesday, Greece defaulted on a $1.7 billion payment due to the International Monetary Fund. Said Greece, “I think you have the wrong number, there’s no one here by that name.”

9. According to an international study, plastic surgeons from different countries have varying preferences for the ideal shape and size of breasts. The study began when one of the scientist’s wives walked in on him using the computer and he swore he was doing research.

10. The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that the U.S. Constitution provides same-sex couples the right to marry. So hopefully now all these really in-shape gay guys will get married, let themselves go and stop making us straight guys look so bad.

June 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Twelve paintings by Adolf Hitler were recently sold at auction. “Hey, we gotta replace the flag with something,” said South Carolina.

2. The new world’s oldest person credits her longevity to not smoking, drinking or partying. In other words, be prepared for at least another 60 years of Mitt Romney.

3. Yesterday, traditional stores WalMart and Sears and internet retailers Amazon and eBay announced bans on the sale of Confederate flag merchandise. Said people who buy that merchandise, “What’s the internet?”

4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.

5. On Tuesday, Virginia’s Governor said the state will phase out vehicle license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag. But, for those who still want to tell other motorists that they are insensitive, backwards-thinking, inbred, racists, may I suggest Truck Nutz.

6. According to a new study, weight loss surgery may help reduce urinary incontinence in extremely obese men. Because the first step in controlling your pee is being able to see the part of your body where it comes out.

7. According to a new poll, nearly a quarter of Americans lie to their dentists about flossing regularly. While the remaining 75% lie to pollsters.

8. On Tuesday, 3-on-3 basketball debuted at the European Games. “Two teammates, what a luxury,” said LeBron James.

9. The aging mother of Knut, the famous hand-raised polar bear who captured German hearts an the world’s attention, was put down at the Berlin Zoo on Tuesday because it said she was blind, deaf and suffering. But, on the plus-side, at least now Germany is giving reasons.

10. The Stonewall Inn, a New York City bar widely recognized as the birthplace of the U.S. gay rights movement, was granted historic landmark status by city officials on Tuesday. Making it the second landmark behind Alcatraz to have a glory-hole.