July 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Italian Cyclist Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine following the fourth stage of the Tour de France. Officials became suspicious after Paolini finished those four stages without using a bike.

2. The Swiss attorney general’s office said on Sunday it has collected 81 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to FIFA’s decision to let Russia and Qatar host upcoming World Cup tournaments. “81 reports isn’t that many,” said Camille Cosby.

3. Mexico’s most notorious and dangerous drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman broke out of a high security prison for the second time, escaping in a tunnel built right under his cell. Which, I assume, has Donald Trump really nervous right about now.

4. During a speech in Arizona on Saturday, presidential candidate Donald Trump made fun of Secretary of State John Kerry for breaking his leg in a bike accident. And, to be fair, Trump is in pretty good shape and quite flexible from patting himself on the back so much.

5. Donald Trump has vaulted into the a tie with Jeb Bush atop the field of Republican presidential candidates. This according to a Reuters poll and every one of Hillary Clinton’s wet dreams.

6. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump met in Los Angeles on Friday with families whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. Because, apparently, those families haven’t already suffered enough.

7. According to reports, the Spice Girls are planning on celebrating the 20-year anniversary of the release of their debut single ‘Wannabe’ next year with a special one-off performance. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

8. On Friday, NCAA President Mark Emmert said South Carolina can now host championship-level college sporting events after the Confederate flag was removed from the grounds of the state capitol. Because nothing says we disapprove of slavery like a giant organization that hauls in billions of dollars on the backs of unpaid athletes.

9. The first chapter of Harper Lee’s second novel was released on Friday, showing her “To Kill a Mockingbird” character Scout Finch as a sexually-liberated young woman and her father Atticus Finch battling rheumatoid arthritis. Critics describe it as “50 Shades of Grey” meets just plain gray.

10. According to draft legislation, Mexico City could become the first city in the world to enforce a minimum car value of 250,000 pesos, which is roughly $16,000. Said one prospective Mexican Uber driver, “So I bought this donkey for nothing?”

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