July 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. In an interview on Wednesday, Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush said Americans “need to work longer hours.” This coming from a guy who hasn’t held a job since 2007.

2. Last week, the White House state dining room was redecorated for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Bill Clinton famously didn’t like that the carpet matched the curtains, saying, “I prefer no carpet at all.”

3. The Texas-based Helping a Hero charity told ABC News that former President George W. Bush charged $100,000 for his 2012 speech at a charity fundraiser for veterans who lost limbs in Afghanistan and Iraq. When Bush took the stage the veterans declines to give him a hand since many of them already had.

4. A sexual assault survivor organization is petitioning the White House to revoke the Presidential Medal of Freedom Bill Cosby received in 2002. You gotta admit, it’s pretty impressive that giving a presidential medal to a serial rapist isn’t even close to the worse decision Bush made while in office.

5. Presidential hopeful Ted Cruz said he is “proud to stand with Donald Trump” on his recent controversial comments regarding Mexicans and immigration. You’re last name is ‘Cruz’ and you’re from Canada, you moron.

6. The woman at the center of a legal fight to have the Washington Redskins NFL team change its name equated the moniker with the Confederate flag on Thursday. Which may not be the best comparison, because I’m pretty sure the Confederacy won at least a few battles.

7. Inspired by the movie “Forrest Gump,” a Michigan man has set out to run across America in 100 days. While, from the look of it, the rest of America used the movie as inspiration to eat an entire box of chocolates.

8. While performing in a play Wednesday night, Tony-winning actress Patti LuPone grabbed a cell phone from an audience member who was busy typing on the device. To add insult to injury, when LuPone looked at the phone she saw the audience member was googling “Who the fuck is Patti LuPone?”

9. Republican Donald Trump on Wednesday said he would win the Latino vote if he gets his party’s nomination. Adding, “Murderers and rapists love me.”

10. A new study suggests women who experience moderate to severe menopause symptoms such as hot flashes and night sweats are more likely to suffer from poor overall well-being. “So far, so good,” said Caitlyn Jenner.

11. Former Virginia Governor Jim Gilmore said on Tuesday he would join the race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination. Bringing the grand total of Republican candidates to all, all of the Republicans.

12. President Obama will hold talks with Vietnam Communist Party chief Nguyen Phu Trong at the White House this week. “See, we told you!” said FoxNews.

13. A 108-year-old woman is set to throw out the first pitch at the Seattle Mariners game this Saturday. Said the woman, “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks, because odds are I’m not coming back.”

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