July 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie announced he will seek the Republican presidential nomination in 2016, joining a crowded field of 13 candidates who have already announced. Which is weird, because usually when Christie joins a race, he needs a head-start.

2. Yesterday, Chris Christie announced his candidacy for the 2016 presidency in his high school gymnasium. Said Christie, “Oh, that’s what the inside of this place looks like.”

3. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Jeb Bush released his tax returns revealing that he’s worth between $19 and $22 million. When reached for comment, Mitt Romney could not stop laughing.

4. On Tuesday, a man in a wheelchair robbed a bank in New York, making off with over $1,200 in cash. Said the bank owner, “I knew I shouldn’t have installed that ramp.”

5. A video has gone viral showing a procession of a dozen trucks proudly flying the confederate flag crashing into each other. Said the claims adjuster, “Your insurance premiums will rise again.”

6. According to a new survey, nearly one out of every three American adults owns a gun. While the remaining two-thirds were immediately mugged by the survey taker.

7. Yesterday, actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner filed for divorce after ten years of marriage. Sounds like someone finally got around to watching “Gigli.”

8. On Wednesday, Greece defaulted on a $1.7 billion payment due to the International Monetary Fund. Said Greece, “I think you have the wrong number, there’s no one here by that name.”

9. According to an international study, plastic surgeons from different countries have varying preferences for the ideal shape and size of breasts. The study began when one of the scientist’s wives walked in on him using the computer and he swore he was doing research.

10. The Supreme Court ruled on Friday that the U.S. Constitution provides same-sex couples the right to marry. So hopefully now all these really in-shape gay guys will get married, let themselves go and stop making us straight guys look so bad.

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