January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

January 12, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While making an appearance before Monday night’s College Football National Championship game, President Trump appeared to forget the words to the National Anthem. It’s the first time Trump has forgotten the words to something since he tried to call Baron by his name.

2. According to reports, the White House ban on staffers using personal cellphones in the West Wing will go into effect next Tuesday. Which I guess means it’s back to smoke signals for Melania:

3. A Rhode Island rapper whose songs include “Sell Drugsz” and “Feds Watching” has been sentenced to three years in federal prison for trafficking heroin and fentanyl. And I can’t think of any worse street cred in jail than being a Rhode Island rapper.

4. According to NBC News, a group of Democratic women in Congress will wear black to President Trump’s first State of the Union address at the end of the month. But, if history is any guide, I bet Donald is just happy they plan on showing up:

5. Last weekend, O.J. Simpson watched the Buffalo Bills playoff game with a group of Bills at a sports bar. It’s the first time a game didn’t go to overtime, but the fans were still very worried about sudden death.

6. President Trump on Monday told farmers gathered in Tennessee that he supports crop insurance. And, in his defense, Trump has always been a big proponent of cropping:

7. After receiving criticism about what their devices do to children, Apple defended themselves this week saying it “has always looked out for kids.” Which isn’t a great defense since, technically, Jared from Subway also “always looked out for kids.”

8. According to a new lawsuit, WalMart misled shoppers by selling organic eggs laid by hens raised in enclosed structures. “What kind of person does that?” said me upon hearing that people buy eggs at WalMart.

9. After her speech at the Golden Globes, rumors are running wild that Oprah Winfrey will run for president against Donald Trump in 2020. And I can’t think of a person more opposite to Trump than a legitimate billionaire, woman of color who is involved in Weight Watchers.

10. Nissan is reportedly working on a car that can read the driver’s mind. The most common thought: “I wish I was more successful so that I didn’t have to drive a Nissan.”

11. US ambassador to the UN Nikki Haley says President Trump’s tweet warning North Korean leader Kim Jong Un about US nuclear capabilities helps global security because it keeps Kim “on his toes.” Also keeping Jong Un on his toes, things on shelves:

12. This week, O.J. Simpson denied long-standing rumors that he had an affair with Kris Jenner and is Khloe Kardashian’s real father. Said the Juice, “Luckily, that time, the glove did fit”:

13. The Jewish lawyer whom Kayla Moore, wife of failed Alabama Senate candidate Roy Moore, bragged about knowing is actually a practicing Christian. But, in her defense, Kayla Moore, probably missed the day in middle school where they covered religion because Roy Moore was taking her to the mall.

14. It was recently announced that David Letterman’s first guest on his new Netflix show will be former-President Barack Obama. “What’s it like to be replaced by a guy who has good ratings?” asked Obama.

15. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt, the conservative former attorney general of Oklahoma, is interested in replacing Attorney General Jeff Sessions if that job becomes available. I don’t know Scott, those are some very tiny shoes to fill:

16. The California couple arrested last month in Nebraska for carrying a large quantity of marijuana they claimed were Christmas gifts, were arrested again for possession of marijuana. Said the couple, “Haven’t you ever heard of Martin Luther King Jr. Day gifts?”

17. President Trump on Saturday rejected an author’s accusations that he is mentally unfit for office saying he is “a very stable genius.” Begging the question, what the fuck does unstable look like?:

18. According to a new study, people who live close to gyms, pools and playing fields weigh less and have smaller waistlines than their counterparts residing farther away from exercise facilities. Which is weird because I could have sworn there was a pool in the White House:

19. Steve Bannon has stepped down as executive chairman of Breitbart News, the right-wing news website said on Tuesday. Which is a much easier task for Bannon than stepping up:

20. A mysterious electrical fire broke out on the roof of New York’s Trump Tower on Monday. Which is not surprising, Trump-owned properties have a history of hard to explain debacles appearing on top of them:

April 10, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. Russia warned on Friday that the cruise missile strikes by the U.S. on a Syrian air base could have “extremely serious” consequences. And I think I speak for everyone when I say “please be the piss tape.”

2. A Chinese zoo is making some extra cash by charging guests $145 for the privilege of cleaning up polar bear poop. That story again, you can pay $145 to clean up what remains of the last person who paid $145.

3. According to a new study, talking to your dog is a sign of intelligence. “Like, I knew it. Zoinks!” said this MENSA member:

4. A decomposed bat was discovered in a prepared salad at a WalMart store in Florida, That unbelievable story again, WalMart is now selling salads.

5. A so-called Museum of Failure is set to open in Sweden this June. Although, if it’s truly a Museum of Failure, it’ll probably open closer to November.

6. Lavar Ball, father of UCLA basketball standout Lonzo Ball, said his son’s team lost in the NCAA tournament because the team had too many “slow, white guys.” And, just like that, Steve Bannon has a new favorite college basketball team.

7. Over the weekend, President Trump named April 9, 2017, as National Former Prisoner of War Recognition Day. And then he named April 10th National Guys Who Didn’t Get Caught Recognition Day.

8. According to reports, President Trump is thinking about replacing his Chief of Staff Reince Priebus. Trump denies the reports, but it’s not a good sign that he’s now referring to Priebus as “Ivana.”

9. A Syrian who survived President Bashar Al-Assad’s chemical attack on his town says he will name his son after President Trump. Something that, even President Trump can tell you from experience, doesn’t turn out well:

10. Women are now using so-called ‘Vaginal Popsicles’ to ease the soreness of childbirth. They can also be used as bait to lure a shy or stubborn kid outta there.

February 16, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Belgian minister arrived on a bicycle to a news conference to promote cycling on Tuesday, only to find the bike had been stolen when he left half an hour later. But, on the plus side, sounds like he did a pretty good job convincing Belgian citizens to bike more.

2. A man who changed his to Mark ‘I Love Spam’ Benson is getting married in the world’s only Spam museum in Minnesota. Just in case you were wondering what the opposite of a destination wedding is.

3. According to a new Gallup survey, more Americans are working out of the office as they push for flexible schedules. Yeah, no shit:
trump-maralago

4. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Its all part of Taco Bell’s new campaign slogan “You’re already at a Taco Bell, so what’s one more bad decision?”

5. On Tuesday, Taco Bell announced that it will start offering customers the option of getting married for $600 at its Las Vegas location. Or, and here me out, for free, you don’t.

6. On Wednesday, the White House announced that President Trump will not fill out an NCAA March Madness bracket. Which makes sense, I’m not sure Trump should be making any plans that involve him being president in March.

7. On Monday, in response to President Trump’s recent mishandling of confidential information, former White House photographer Pete Souza appeared to take a shot at the President by posting a picture of former President Obama speaking in a cordoned off area for security reasons. But, really, how upset could Trump get over a harmless, little picture? Oh, right:
trump-crowd

8. To celebrate Valentine’s Day on Tuesday, two couples got married on top of the Empire State Building. So keep an eye out for them four months from now when they’ll undoubtedly be getting a divorce atop the Freedom Tower.

9. According to reports, Warner Brothers wants Mel Gibson to direct the upcoming ‘Suicide Squad’ sequel. “What!?! That guy is a complete loose cannon!” said the Joker.

10. MSNBC’s “Morning Joe” has banned Trump aid Kellyanne Conway from appearing on the show. Conway said, “The ban is an infringement on her first amendment right and allowing such a thing to happen means the Bowling Green terrorists have won.”

April 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. BuzzFeed fell a stunning $80 million short of projected revenues last year and has reportedly slashed its projections for 2016 in half. Which explains the article featured on their homepage today entitled “10 BuzzFeed employees that need to start looking for a new job.”

2. Tulane University’s Kappa Alpha fraternity has built a sandbag wall around it’s house with the words “Make America Great Again” and “Trump” spray-painted on it. So, I think for once, I’ll be rooting for the hurricane.

3. In a recent interview, actress Scarlett Johansson hinted that her marriage to fellow actor Ryan Reynolds ended because they were too competitive. Scarlett, I saw “The Green Lantern,” you won.

4. Authorities are offering a reward of up to $25,000 for information leading to the recovery of Andy Warhol paintings stolen from a Missouri museum last week. There were two witnesses, unfortunately they aren’t talking:
american gothic

5. CBS and Turner Broadcasting have signed an $8.8 billion, eight-year extension of their agreement to broadcast the NCAA’s Division 1 Men’s Basketball Championship. I know that seems like a lot but you have to remember that figure is before the college athletes take their $0 cut.

6. A New York playwright filed a lawsuit on Monday claiming $20 million in damages and seeking to block Friday’s opening in movie theaters of “Barbershop: The Next Cut,” that he claims rips off his stage play “Scissors.” And the playwright might have a point because his play sucks too.

7. According to an official consultation, the U.K. government is concerned that increasing numbers of young people are trying anal sex. “I don’t care how many people are trying it, the answer is still no,” said the government’s girlfriend.

8. A 52-year-old Canadian man who is married, with seven kids, has left his family to live his life as a transgender six-year-old girl. His wife broke the news gently to their children saying, “Kids, you’re father’s died.”

9. This week, 90-year-old Elena Griffing celebrated her 70th year working for the same San Francisco Bay Area hospital and said she has no plans of retiring anytime soon. Those that know her call her “an inspiration” while Prince Charles calls her “a selfish old bitch.”

10. Italian cyclist Mattia Gavazzi could face a lifetime ban after he tested positive for cocaine for the third time in his career. Officials became suspicious that Gavazzi could be using again when he won a race and he wasn’t on a bike.

March 18, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After winning their opening games of the NCAA Tournament, Duke and Yale will play each other on Saturday in Rhode Island. The match-up will be so white and privileged that it is already the front runner for next year’s Oscars.

2. Thursday, was St. Patrick’s Day, where drunk revelers take to the streets to celebrate. Which means today, is watch where you step Friday.

3. On Thursday, a plane that was scheduled to land at New York’s LaGuardia Airport was diverted and landed safely elsewhere after being struck by lightning. “Those lucky bastards,” said the people who were scheduled to and did land at LaGuardia.

4. On Wednesday, Italian-born model Fabio became an American citizen. Of course, the one guy I wanted Trump to deport.

5. According to a new poll, half of U.S. women say they have a “very unfavorable” view of Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump. While the other half are looking for a word stronger than “very.”

6. A San Diego man who inherited from his father a 1974 aluminum penny valued at $2 million has surrendered it to the U.S. Mint to settle a lawsuit over ownership. Here’s a picture of him turning in the coin:
penny

7. During an interview Wednesday morning, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said his main foreign policy consultant is himself. He knows there’s more to foreign policy than picking wives, right?

8. Fox News has canceled its March 21st Republican presidential debate following Donald Trump’s announcement that he will not attend. “You’re not supposed to cancel things just because people don’t attend,” said WNBA execs.

9. First lady Michelle Obama said on Wednesday she has no intention to run for president. “Good call,” said this lady:
HIllary

10. According to a new study, Denmark is the happiest place in the world. “Eeyore is really dragging us down,” said Disneyland.

11. Re-testing of hundreds of athletes’ samples collected at the London 2012 and Beijing 2008 Games is underway as the International Olympic Committee bids to root out cheats ahead of Rio 2016. Begging the question, are you just keeping old urine laying around?

12. A new study has determined that heavier women get paid less than skinnier women. The study was conducted by seeing how much money Kirstie Alley made on “Cheers” and then on every project after.

13. An insurance company in Atlanta has made it mandatory for all its employees to carry a gun. “So, I’ll ask you again, do you want additional life insurance?”

14. Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau on Friday joked that he is not expecting an influx of unhappy Americans across the border if Republican Donald Trump becomes president. Mainly because most Americans can’t locate Canada on a map.

15. Reporter Michelle Fields filed a criminal complaint on Friday against Republican presidential election front-runner Donald Trump’s campaign manager, saying he grabbed her arm at a rally with such force that he left bruises. So it’s possible Donald Trump doesn’t have a bad spray tan, but, instead, is just covered in one gigantic indian burn.

16. A group that wanted to draft House Speaker Paul Ryan as a Republican presidential candidate is shutting down, a day after Ryan’s political operation sent the organization a cease-and-desist letter demanding it halt its campaign. Begging the question, can Ryan’s political operation send one of those letters to Donald Trump?

17. According to a new study, many parents don’t remember if their children were tested for hearing loss at birth. Although, if, in a few years, your kid likes “One Direction,” you’ll know they weren’t.

18. An Egyptian court on Saturday sentenced a prominent Facebook user to three years in prison with hard labor after he asserted on television that many married women in the conservative country were unfaithful. Which may seem harsh until you remember that he was described as ‘a prominent Facebook user.’

19. According to a new study, woman who make the first move in online dating tend to be rewarded. Especially if that first move is swiping left.

20. Last week, the chihuahua that played Reese Witherspoon’s canine companion in “Legally Blonde” died. Although, he was an actor, so maybe he’s just really good at playing dead.

July 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to reports, Italian Cyclist Luca Paolini tested positive for cocaine following the fourth stage of the Tour de France. Officials became suspicious after Paolini finished those four stages without using a bike.

2. The Swiss attorney general’s office said on Sunday it has collected 81 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to FIFA’s decision to let Russia and Qatar host upcoming World Cup tournaments. “81 reports isn’t that many,” said Camille Cosby.

3. Mexico’s most notorious and dangerous drug lord Joaquin ‘El Chapo’ Guzman broke out of a high security prison for the second time, escaping in a tunnel built right under his cell. Which, I assume, has Donald Trump really nervous right about now.

4. During a speech in Arizona on Saturday, presidential candidate Donald Trump made fun of Secretary of State John Kerry for breaking his leg in a bike accident. And, to be fair, Trump is in pretty good shape and quite flexible from patting himself on the back so much.

5. Donald Trump has vaulted into the a tie with Jeb Bush atop the field of Republican presidential candidates. This according to a Reuters poll and every one of Hillary Clinton’s wet dreams.

6. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump met in Los Angeles on Friday with families whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. Because, apparently, those families haven’t already suffered enough.

7. According to reports, the Spice Girls are planning on celebrating the 20-year anniversary of the release of their debut single ‘Wannabe’ next year with a special one-off performance. Unless, of course, their demands are met.

8. On Friday, NCAA President Mark Emmert said South Carolina can now host championship-level college sporting events after the Confederate flag was removed from the grounds of the state capitol. Because nothing says we disapprove of slavery like a giant organization that hauls in billions of dollars on the backs of unpaid athletes.

9. The first chapter of Harper Lee’s second novel was released on Friday, showing her “To Kill a Mockingbird” character Scout Finch as a sexually-liberated young woman and her father Atticus Finch battling rheumatoid arthritis. Critics describe it as “50 Shades of Grey” meets just plain gray.

10. According to draft legislation, Mexico City could become the first city in the world to enforce a minimum car value of 250,000 pesos, which is roughly $16,000. Said one prospective Mexican Uber driver, “So I bought this donkey for nothing?”

April 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A power line broke loose at an electrical substation near Washington D.C. on Tuesday leaving the White House in a state of total black-out. Or, as Secret Service agents thought of it, business as usual.

2. On Tuesday, Kentucky Senator Rand Paul announced his intentions to run for president in 2016. Locking-up the all-important Ron Paul vote.

3. Supporters of Republican presidential hopeful Rand Paul have the option of making donations to his campaign using the digital currency bitcoin. Because bitcoin, much like Rand’s chances of becoming president, is all make believe.

4. Kentucky Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul is selling autographed copies of the Constitution on his website for $1,000 a piece. Because why should Rand Paul be the only one to waste money on a Rand Paul presidential campaign.

5. This week, a Brooklyn woman used Facebook to serve her husband with divorce papers. And, just to drive the point home, she also sent him a few Snapchat photos of her and her new ‘friend’ Steve.

6. Former Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney shared his NCAA bracket with the Huffington Post on Sunday revealing that he correctly picked every game from the Elite Eight on. Although it should come as no surprise that the whitest guy in the world had Duke beating Wisconsin in the finals. I bet he picks that every year.

7. The lines at the mens restrooms at Wrigley Field were so long on Opening Night that many Cubs fans resorted to urinating in cups. The bathroom attendant adopted the Cubs’ yearly motto telling patrons to ‘Wait Till Next Year.’

8. An Argentinean man was found dead last week after having vigorous sex with a scarecrow outfitted with a strap-on. “This is one time I’m happy I don’t have a brain,” said the scarecrow.

9. The lyrics to Don McLean’s “American Pie” sold at auction for $1.2 million on Tuesday. Whoever bought them is gonna be pretty pissed when he finds out that for $7.99 he could have just bought a CD that had the lyrics in the liner notes.

10. Under a recently approved bill in Kansas, welfare recipients will be unable to use money they received from the state to buy tattoos, lingerie or alcohol or go to the movies, strip clubs or casinos. Said poor people, “Hello, Nebraska.”

March 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. People are paying up to $1,000 to play with finger paints and Play-Doh at an adult preschool in Brooklyn. But, for just $1,000 more, you can get the exact same experience and a degree from Florida State University.

2. According to a new study, people can be so turned off by obese individuals that they actually imagine a bad smell. Said Chris Christie, “That’s not your imagination, that’s just New Jersey.”

3. On Friday, magician David Copperfield’s Manhattan rooftop pool burst, flooding his apartment and the apartments of neighbors beneath him. Because, as Claudia Schiffer can tell you, nothing good comes from being under David Copperfield.

4. For the first time in the history of the ‘Star Wars’ franchise, composer John Williams will not score the next film in the series. Said ‘Star Wars’ fans, “Not scoring? We always knew he was one of us.”

5. Texas Senator Ted Cruz, who was born in Canada, is expected to announce his intentions to run for president in 2016 today. Thus locking up the all-important Canadian vote.

6. Six decades after the brutal slaying of Emmett Till, a 14-year-old African-American boy, the Mississippi town where two white men were acquitted of his murder is dedicating a museum to the event credited with jumpstarting the U.S. civil rights movement. Because if there are two things the people of Mississippi love it’s tolerance and museums.

7. Hastily buried in 1485 following his death at the Battle of Busworth under what would eventually become a parking lot, King Richard III was reburied on Sunday. “The food at the first funeral was better,” said Larry King.

8. Over the weekend, the field of 64 college basketball teams was whittled down to just 16 remaining teams. “Wait, they already started playing the games?” said the secretary leading your office pool.

9. According to a new study, getting sufficient sleep is vital for healthy sexual desires in women. Which, I assume, means Sleeping Beauty was a freak.

10. A new study found that dogs respond positively to the chemical oxytocin, the so-called love hormone. Which is great news for depressed dogs and terrible news for your leg.

January 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A recent Delta flight from Cleveland to New York took off with just two passengers. Yet somehow when the second passenger got on board all the overhead compartments were already full.

2. The Milwaukee Brewers are offering fans the chance to buy a $1,000 “Timeless Ticket” redeemable to attend any game in the future. The only downside, it has to be a Brewers game.

3. According to reports, Mitt Romney is purportedly putting his 2012 election team back together. Said his former campaign manager, “I’m so happy I didn’t throw out these binders full of women.”

4. On Tuesday, Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim became the largest shareholder of the New York Times. Slim said he intends to leave the newspaper largely unchanged except from now on the Accent section will just be him reading the front page.

5. According to new research, abuse of opiate-based prescription painkillers such as oxycodine and morphine are on the decline in the U.S. “You’re welcome,” said meth.

6. The New York Jets’ announcement that it had hired former Arizona Cardinals defensive coordinator Todd Bowles as its next head coach was met with a less than enthusiastic response yesterday. Yet no one was more disappointed in the news than Todd Bowles.

7. Yesterday, President Obama called Urban Meyer to congratulate the Ohio State head coach on his team’s upset victory over Oregon in the first College Football Playoff Championship. Said Barack, “Urban, I know what it’s like to be an underdog who critics say can’t possibly live up to the hype, but what’s it like to actually follow through?”

8. Volunteers are searching a wooded area north of Seattle for a missing wallaby who bounded away from its crate during a transfer to a local petting zoo last week. But, if it’s anything like Seattle’s last residents who were fond of jumping and went missing, it will turn up in Oklahoma City.

9. Yesterday, the GOP announced that it will choose a presidential candidate in July of 2016, a full month before it traditionally decided. Republican leaders said they needed the extra time to reenforce the convention stage in case Christie gets the nomination.

10. Little-known American golfer Bhavik Patel has been banned by the PGA Tour after violating its anti-doping policy on the use of performance enhancing substances. Tour officials became suspicious of Patel when his golf ball exploded upon impact.