Tag Archives: Berlin

March 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Wednesday night, a mountain lion breached a 9-foot fence at the Los Angeles Zoo and mauled a koala bear. Said the bears relatives, “You hear about violence, but you never expect it to happen in a gated community like this.”

2. Former presidential candidate Ben Carson is expected to endorse Donald Trump at a press conference today. Although the brain surgeon’s endorsement seems unnecessary since I’m pretty sure anyone with a brain injury is already voting for Trump.

3. On Thursday, a suspicious substance was found at the Houston campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz, but was later determined to be non-toxic. And, since Cruz was at the headquarters at the time, the substance was the only thing there non-toxic.

4. A Toshiba humanoid robot named Chihira Kanae is greeting visitors to the world’s biggest travel fair in Berlin this week. Event organizers initially wanted German people to do the job but ultimately decided to go with something less robotic.

5. According to a new study, women around the world are leaving hospitals too soon after giving birth. “But if I hang around, they’re gonna want to give me that baby,” said Casey Anthony.

6. Ray Tomlinson, the man widely credited as the creator of email, died on Sunday at the age of 74. His funeral is expected to be a small affair, attended by just friends, family and a handful of Nigerian princes.

7. On Saturday Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said repeatedly, during a rally that he would seek to “broaden” the laws to allow torture. Which means, if successful, in the future, everyone will be married to Donald Trump for fifteen minutes.

8. Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton on Friday said that as the Chinese economy slows, China will engage in more damaging global trade practices. Saying, “Let us not forget about what they put in our Coke.”

9. A Facebook executive who spent 24 hours in a Brazilian jail this week said authorities treated him with respect. More specifically, they kept the poking to a minimum.

10. A farm in Ohio has the words “No Trump” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by planes flying overheard. Making it the second Trump to be made up entirely of bullshit.

February 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. As a result, Donald Trump was forced to buy an actual punching-bag to take his aggression out on.

2. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. Which wasn’t surprising since I received an email announcing that Bush was dropping out of the race a few hours before the primary from the Cruz campaign.

3. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Bernie said the last time he was this upset around Caesar’s Palace his childhood friend was being betrayed by Brutus.

4. Funny man Will Ferrell was seen campaigning for Hillary Clinton alongside Bill Clinton in Nevada over the weekend. Hillary said it was great to have the star of “the Ladies Man” campaigning for her, and also Will.

5. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Hillary was overjoyed and much happier than eight years ago when the Nevada voters bet it all on black.

6. Donald Trump on Saturday suggested President Obama would have attended the funeral of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia had the service been held in a mosque. In response, President Obama promised to attend Trump’s funeral no matter where it’s held.

7. On Friday, Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said Pope Francis’s suggestion that Donald Trump was “not Christian” because of his views on immigration was not a personal attack. Instinctively, Father Lombardi started out the official Vatican statement by saying “those boys are liars.”

8. Within minutes of Jeb Bush dropping out of the presidential race Saturday night, some of his biggest donors threw their financial support behind Marco Rubio. While Ben Carson wants to know if he can borrow money for bus fare.

9. In a recent news article, Kim Kardashian said she makes a make-shift bra out of gaffers tape before red carpet events to make her breasts look better. As a result, horny teenage boys have to be more specific now when typing “Kim Kardashian” and “tape” into Google.

10. An Arabic-language hip-hop film featuring mostly Palestinian actors and directed by an Israeli won a prize at the Berlin International Film Festival over the weekend. Unfortunately, the film is ineligible to win an Oscar since it also features a black actor.

September 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. Scientists reached this conclusion by examining the love choices of Liza Minnelli and Star Jones.

2. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. And, in unrelated news, John Travolta and Tom Cruise just let out a huge sigh of relief.

3. Software pioneer John McAfee filed the requisite paperwork on Wednesday to run for president in 2016 under his new Cyber Party. And, it’s the rare case where the fringe candidate who is wanted in Belize for murder and has a tendency to take selfies with guns pointed at his head is not the craziest option.

4. In a recent “Rolling Stone” article, Donald Trump mocked the physical appearance of fellow Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina by saying “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” But, in Trump’s defense, he doesn’t own a mirror.

5. On Wednesday, retired-tennis player James Blake was slammed to the ground, handcuffed and detained in New York City before police released him citing a case of mistaken identity. But, on the plus-side, James finally got a Grand Slam.

6. According to a report, boxer Floyd Mayweather received an intravenous injection of saline and vitamins, that was banned under World Anti-Doping Agency guidelines, on the eve of his May 2nd fight against Manny Pacquiao. But, in Mayweather’s defense, I needed my own intravenous injection of Red Bull and coffee to stay awake during that fight.

7. Twenty-four years after it was buried, the head of a giant statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was dug up from the woods on the outskirts of Berlin on Thursday. When it was erected it stood as a symbol for Communism and while the head was buried underground it stood as a symbol for the way Roger Goodell runs the NFL.

8. On Thursday, Sahara, a four-year-old baboon with light-colored fur, gave birth in an Israeli zoo to a baby girl with dark fur. You can hear more about this story on next week’s “Maury.”

9. During Tuesday’s rally supporting opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. Davis made sure to position her husband on the outside so, if she decides to get divorced and re-married for a fifth time, he is easy to crop out.

10. A new study shows, people with type 2 diabetes who smoke have significantly higher risks of heart disease, stroke and death than diabetic non-smokers. That story again, smoking is still bad for you.

11. A new study found, about one in 30 women who get vaginal surgery to address urinary incontinence will need repeat procedures within 10 years to replace mesh slings inserted to prevent leaking urine. You can read more about the study in the current edition of “I Dare You To Open This Monthly.”

12. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she’s already been accepted to Arizona State University.

13. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she took a really good nap that day.

14. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka. To find a drink with similar ingredients you’d have to be breastfeed by Dina Lohan.

15. There is a malicious porn-watching app called “Adult Player” that secretly takes control of your phone, snaps your picture, locks you out of the device and demands a $5000 extortion payment. Or, for $200, you can just buy a new phone.

16. During a 16-hour procedure on Tuesday, a hospital in Ohio successfully separated 11-month-old conjoined twins from Uganda. “That’s great,” said Donald Trump, “I’ll be sure to book two plane seats when I deport them.”

17. Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared Kim Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples to conscientious objections to slavery. So now people outside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against gay marriage and people inside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against slavery.

18. The Wall Street Journal reported that online retailer Amazon plans to sell a $50 tablet in time for this holiday season. It’s perfect if you want an iPad but your parents don’t love you.

June 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Twelve paintings by Adolf Hitler were recently sold at auction. “Hey, we gotta replace the flag with something,” said South Carolina.

2. The new world’s oldest person credits her longevity to not smoking, drinking or partying. In other words, be prepared for at least another 60 years of Mitt Romney.

3. Yesterday, traditional stores WalMart and Sears and internet retailers Amazon and eBay announced bans on the sale of Confederate flag merchandise. Said people who buy that merchandise, “What’s the internet?”

4. According to a new poll, Donald Trump is outpolling all other Republican candidates in New Hampshire except for Jeb Bush. Because, I’m guessing, “Dear God, please don’t make me choose” and “Fuck it, I’m moving to Canada” weren’t on the ballot.

5. On Tuesday, Virginia’s Governor said the state will phase out vehicle license plates featuring the Confederate battle flag. But, for those who still want to tell other motorists that they are insensitive, backwards-thinking, inbred, racists, may I suggest Truck Nutz.

6. According to a new study, weight loss surgery may help reduce urinary incontinence in extremely obese men. Because the first step in controlling your pee is being able to see the part of your body where it comes out.

7. According to a new poll, nearly a quarter of Americans lie to their dentists about flossing regularly. While the remaining 75% lie to pollsters.

8. On Tuesday, 3-on-3 basketball debuted at the European Games. “Two teammates, what a luxury,” said LeBron James.

9. The aging mother of Knut, the famous hand-raised polar bear who captured German hearts an the world’s attention, was put down at the Berlin Zoo on Tuesday because it said she was blind, deaf and suffering. But, on the plus-side, at least now Germany is giving reasons.

10. The Stonewall Inn, a New York City bar widely recognized as the birthplace of the U.S. gay rights movement, was granted historic landmark status by city officials on Tuesday. Making it the second landmark behind Alcatraz to have a glory-hole.

May 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. “That’s actually from the three of us,” said Wesley Snipes.

2. Over the weekend, actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen announced that they will not reprise their roles in the upcoming “Full House” reboot. To replace them producers will use two scarecrows with frowns.

3. According to an annual report, the Vatican bank earned more than $76 million in 2014. It would have been more, but child rape lawyers are expensive.

4. After his first round victory at the French Open on Sunday, Roger Federer was angry when a security breach allowed a fan to walk onto center court and attempt to take a picture with the 17-time grand slam champion. “Oh, a selfie, poor you,” said Monica Seles.

5. According to reports, future Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said that next season will be his last with the Los Angeles Lakers. This comes just five years after most Lakers fans made the same decision.

6. Chelsea Clinton has written a children’s book. Experts see it s a very early reach-out to likely voters for Chelsea’s expected presidential run in 2036.

7. A 65-year-old German grandmother gave birth to quadruplets at a Berlin hospital last week. The grandmother says she plans on breast-feeding, so, hope you like powdered milk, kids.

8. The Florida Bar is sending its first ever delegation of lawyers to Cuba this week to explore emerging new business opportunities. Said the lawyers, “Hey, wait, these tickets are only one-way.”

9. U.S. cable network TLC said on Friday it has pulled all episodes of “19 Kids and Counting,”its top-rated reality television show featuring a large Christian family, after reports surfaced that the eldest son had molested underage girls as a teen. “Ew, gross, Christians,” said Woody Allen.

10. Time Warner Cable is on the verge of a $55 billion merger deal with Charter Communications, which would combine the second and third largest U.S. cable companies. Time Warner decided, instead of improving their service, they would just merge with all their competitors leaving customers with no other options.

February 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Wednesday, Republican Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush criticized President Obama’s approach to Iran’s nuclear efforts saying negotiations aren’t working. Asked what he would do, Bush said, “Invade Iraq.”

2. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans believe Hollywood does not pay proper attention to minorities and women. While the other two-thirds are Oscar voters.

3. A woman on death row in Georgia wants her last meal before her execution to be Burger King. Which seems redundant.

4. Yesterday was Dr. Dre’s 50th birthday. Hopefully you didn’t forget about him.

5. A permanent museum exhibit showing preserved corpses stripped of skin to reveal the complexity of the human body opened in Berlin on Wednesday. Germany, where all your nightmares come from.

6. This week Pope Francis announced that the Vatican will be offering free haircuts to the homeless on Mondays. But, speaking as a Jewish male, I have a deep-seated distrust of trust holy men with scissors.

7. In a recent speech, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “There’s only one Chris Christie.” “And thank God for that,” said Hometown Buffet.

8. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Said the arresting officer, “All right, stop!”

9. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Vanilla Ice reportedly used his one phone call to send word to his mother.

10. Russian punk rock group Pussy Riot released their first song in English on Wednesday, a musical tribute to Eric Garner entitled “I Can’t Breathe.” So, maybe Putin was right.

August 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. A New Hampshire state legislator, who is white, said he should be able to join the black caucus because he’s fond of rap music. But, since this is New Hampshire, first he’ll have to create the New Hampshire black caucus.

2. Over the weekend, a man dressed as a teenage mutant ninja turtle proposed to his girlfriend at a minor league baseball game. The wedding, and I’m just guessing here, will be held in his parents’ basement.

3. A Utah home which used to belong to polygamist Warren Jeffs and his wives has been converted into a bed and breakfast. Or, more accurately, a bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed and breakfast.

4. According to reports, Jodi Arias will represent herself and try to persuade a jury not to give her the death penalty when her new sentencing trial gets underway in September. And, in future news, Jodi Arias is dead.

5. According to rumors, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton have ended their eight year feud. Way to go girls, life’s too short, hopefully.

6. The New York Times has reported that Russian criminals have stolen 1.2 billion internet user names and passwords. Well at least someone will remember my password.

7. The reigning NBA champion San Antonio Spurs named long-time WNBA star Becky Hammon as the first full-time female assistant coach in league history on Tuesday. If she’s the first female assistant coach in NBA history, then who’s been teaching the Knicks to play like that?

8. Zoo authorities said a woman snuck into the seal pond at the Berlin Zoo Monday night to take a swim with the animals after the park had closed. “Oh, like you’ve never gotten drunk and visited your ex,” said Heidi Klum.

9. According to an upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Joe Biden frequently goes skinny-dipping. Apparently no one has the heart to tell him that those are actually called “baths.”

10. A hospital in the French city of Clermont-Ferrard is set to open a wine bar where their patients will be able to enjoy a “medically supervised” glass or two. Hospital officials said they got the idea by being French.

January 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Fortunately, everyone in her family has a body that comes with a built-in airbag. 

2. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. The ice cream truck they hit sustained little damage as well, that is until Honey Boo Boo and her family got out of their car. 

3. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Mama June said, “It was really scary for us, since it was the first time any of us had been in a wreck.” That can’t be right, because I’m pretty sure your husband had to have sex with you at some point to have those kids. 

4. On Wednesday, while driving through a crowd of followers, Pope Francis picked up a priest he knew from Buenos Aires and gave him a lift in the Popemobile. Unfortunately, his hitch-hiking friend didn’t have any grass or gas money, so …

5.  Border Patrol officers foiled a smuggling attempt at the U.S.-Mexico border when they discovered a woman contorted and hidden inside a suitcase.  Said the woman upon discovery, “Ta-da?”

6. President Obama and other top administration officials rallied around Vice President Joe Biden on Wednesday after former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates criticized him sharply in his memoir. Luckily the book doesn’t have any pictures, so there’s no chance Biden will ever read it. 

7. Researchers in Florida believe they have discovered a low-cost way to improve football helmets and better protect players from concussions. That low-cost fix, adding a Jacksonville Jaguars sticker to all helmets, they don’t hit anybody. 

8. Newly released emails suggest a personal vendetta led to a decision by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s office to block access to the George Washington bridge thus clogging traffic. Said Christie, “It was a minor oversight, luckily it’s an easy fix. I have a plumber on speed dial who helps me out whenever I clog something.”

9. On Wednesday, hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse sued the FBI after the agency labeled the group’s fan base as a criminal gang. “That’s insulting, we have much better taste in music,” said real gangs.

10. A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an ‘atomic wedgie,’ that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear. So good luck not laughing at that funeral. 

11. Boxes filled with bananas and cocaine were delivered to five Berlin supermarkets on Tuesday in what police are calling a ‘”logistical error” by drug smugglers. Which would explain why yesterday Curious George was so damn curious. He would not shut up. 

12. On Wednesday, “Saturday Night Live” hired two black female writers, one day after adding a black female comedian to its cast. Said long-time producer Lorne Michaels, “We cool now?”