February 3, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. President Trump said on Monday the United States and China were in close contact regarding the newly identified coronavirus outbreak. “Close contact? Be careful, you might contract something,” said China:

 2. Last week, scientists discovered four new species of sharks that walk. Scientists made this discovery by showing the movie “Cats” to a bunch of sharks and watching them walk out of the theater. 

3. ‘Rolling Stone’ reported this week that during a listening party for his new record, singer Justin Bieber cried during the album’s playback. Crying because you’re being forced to listen to Justin Bieber music is the most relatable Justin Bieber has ever been. 

4. London’s first cheese-themed hotel opened last week. There are only rooms for one, because if your lifestyle makes you want to sleep in a cheese hotel, you’re probably provolone. 

5. NASA recently announced that it wants to put a female astronaut on the moon by 2024. While Mike Pence wants to put all women there by 2025.

6. Author Mary Higgins Clark, known as the ‘Queen of Suspense,’ died on Friday at the age of 92. Or did she? 

7. Doctors have issued a warning telling young men not to masturbate using banana peels, which has become a trend circulating on social media. Otherwise you may find out just how curious George really is.

8. Former National Security Adviser John Bolton has announced that his forthcoming tell-all book will be called “The Room Where It Happened: A White House Memoir.” It will be the first book told entirely from the Presidential bathroom. 

9. Democratic presidential candidate Michael Bloomberg has already spend over a quarter of a billion dollars on campaign ads. It’s all part of Bloomberg’s plan to be more omni-present and annoying than Flo from Progressive. 

10. Border agents arrested a 36-year-old US citizen this week after finding 222 pounds of liquid meth in his truck. To give you an idea, this is what 222 pounds of meth looks like:

11. A man in China recently ate several live eels in an attempt to cure his constipation. “No matter how this ends, it’s gonna be my problem” said the aquarium’s janitor.

12. Last week, it was announced on Twitter that Mr. Peanut, the 104-year old mascot of the Planters snack food company, has died. Although the timing of his death is suspicious since it came so quickly after the release of this photo:

13. An ad appearing in the Waze navigation app is misdirecting motorists trying to get to Atlantic City’s Borgata Casino into the wilderness of New Jersey instead. The ad is actually from the Borgata, specifically the casino’s collections department:

14. Soccer star Megan Rapinoe recently appeared on the cover of ‘Sports Illustrated’ wearing a dress and holding a sledgehammer. “So it was the swimsuit edition,” said lesbians.

15. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. During the first episode Gunther calls the cops on the six black people for loitering in the coffee shop. 

16. Last week on Twitter, actor David Schwimmer proposed a reboot of ‘Friends’ featuring an all African American cast. Great news, we already have our Rachel:

17. Tinder is adding new safety features, including a panic button that alerts safety authorities if something goes wrong during a date. That’s crazy because it implies that something could go right on a Tinder date.

18. “Doctor Who” made history with its first ever black Doctor, who was revealed during Sunday night’s episode. Unfortunately it was Dr. Conrad Murray:

19. Twitter said on Monday accounts of several NFL teams, including the San Francisco 49ers and Kansas City Chiefs, were hacked, ahead of the Super Bowl. And apparently the Cleveland Browns:

20. President Trump tweeted in Arabic and Hebrew this week to promote his new Middle East peace deal. Begging the question, how can you even tell in Trump’s tweets are in a different language:

21. According to reports, Queen Elizabeth initially wanted to demote Prince Harry to an Earl upon hearing his decision to leave the Royal Family. “Vicious burn!” said the whitest people you know. 

22. A woman was arrested last week after attempting to sneak into the U.S. from Canada by running through a library that straddles the border between Quebec and Vermont. Police suspected she wasn’t American because she was in a library.

January 9, 2013 – Monologue Jokes

1. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Fortunately, everyone in her family has a body that comes with a built-in airbag. 

2. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. The ice cream truck they hit sustained little damage as well, that is until Honey Boo Boo and her family got out of their car. 

3. Honey Boo Boo and her family walked away from a car crash Monday without any serious injuries. Mama June said, “It was really scary for us, since it was the first time any of us had been in a wreck.” That can’t be right, because I’m pretty sure your husband had to have sex with you at some point to have those kids. 

4. On Wednesday, while driving through a crowd of followers, Pope Francis picked up a priest he knew from Buenos Aires and gave him a lift in the Popemobile. Unfortunately, his hitch-hiking friend didn’t have any grass or gas money, so …

5.  Border Patrol officers foiled a smuggling attempt at the U.S.-Mexico border when they discovered a woman contorted and hidden inside a suitcase.  Said the woman upon discovery, “Ta-da?”

6. President Obama and other top administration officials rallied around Vice President Joe Biden on Wednesday after former Secretary of Defense Robert Gates criticized him sharply in his memoir. Luckily the book doesn’t have any pictures, so there’s no chance Biden will ever read it. 

7. Researchers in Florida believe they have discovered a low-cost way to improve football helmets and better protect players from concussions. That low-cost fix, adding a Jacksonville Jaguars sticker to all helmets, they don’t hit anybody. 

8. Newly released emails suggest a personal vendetta led to a decision by New Jersey Governor Chris Christie’s office to block access to the George Washington bridge thus clogging traffic. Said Christie, “It was a minor oversight, luckily it’s an easy fix. I have a plumber on speed dial who helps me out whenever I clog something.”

9. On Wednesday, hip-hop duo Insane Clown Posse sued the FBI after the agency labeled the group’s fan base as a criminal gang. “That’s insulting, we have much better taste in music,” said real gangs.

10. A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an ‘atomic wedgie,’ that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear. So good luck not laughing at that funeral. 

11. Boxes filled with bananas and cocaine were delivered to five Berlin supermarkets on Tuesday in what police are calling a ‘”logistical error” by drug smugglers. Which would explain why yesterday Curious George was so damn curious. He would not shut up. 

12. On Wednesday, “Saturday Night Live” hired two black female writers, one day after adding a black female comedian to its cast. Said long-time producer Lorne Michaels, “We cool now?”