February 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, Republican Presidential hopeful Jeb Bush criticized President Obama’s approach to Iran’s nuclear efforts saying negotiations aren’t working. Asked what he would do, Bush said, “Invade Iraq.”

2. According to a new poll, one-third of Americans believe Hollywood does not pay proper attention to minorities and women. While the other two-thirds are Oscar voters.

3. A woman on death row in Georgia wants her last meal before her execution to be Burger King. Which seems redundant.

4. Yesterday was Dr. Dre’s 50th birthday. Hopefully you didn’t forget about him.

5. A permanent museum exhibit showing preserved corpses stripped of skin to reveal the complexity of the human body opened in Berlin on Wednesday. Germany, where all your nightmares come from.

6. This week Pope Francis announced that the Vatican will be offering free haircuts to the homeless on Mondays. But, speaking as a Jewish male, I have a deep-seated distrust of trust holy men with scissors.

7. In a recent speech, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “There’s only one Chris Christie.” “And thank God for that,” said Hometown Buffet.

8. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Said the arresting officer, “All right, stop!”

9. Rapper Vanilla Ice was arrested on Wednesday after police said he stole furniture, a pool heater and other items from a neighbor’s home. Vanilla Ice reportedly used his one phone call to send word to his mother.

10. Russian punk rock group Pussy Riot released their first song in English on Wednesday, a musical tribute to Eric Garner entitled “I Can’t Breathe.” So, maybe Putin was right.

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