Tag Archives: Brutus

February 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. As a result, Donald Trump was forced to buy an actual punching-bag to take his aggression out on.

2. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. Which wasn’t surprising since I received an email announcing that Bush was dropping out of the race a few hours before the primary from the Cruz campaign.

3. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Bernie said the last time he was this upset around Caesar’s Palace his childhood friend was being betrayed by Brutus.

4. Funny man Will Ferrell was seen campaigning for Hillary Clinton alongside Bill Clinton in Nevada over the weekend. Hillary said it was great to have the star of “the Ladies Man” campaigning for her, and also Will.

5. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Hillary was overjoyed and much happier than eight years ago when the Nevada voters bet it all on black.

6. Donald Trump on Saturday suggested President Obama would have attended the funeral of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia had the service been held in a mosque. In response, President Obama promised to attend Trump’s funeral no matter where it’s held.

7. On Friday, Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said Pope Francis’s suggestion that Donald Trump was “not Christian” because of his views on immigration was not a personal attack. Instinctively, Father Lombardi started out the official Vatican statement by saying “those boys are liars.”

8. Within minutes of Jeb Bush dropping out of the presidential race Saturday night, some of his biggest donors threw their financial support behind Marco Rubio. While Ben Carson wants to know if he can borrow money for bus fare.

9. In a recent news article, Kim Kardashian said she makes a make-shift bra out of gaffers tape before red carpet events to make her breasts look better. As a result, horny teenage boys have to be more specific now when typing “Kim Kardashian” and “tape” into Google.

10. An Arabic-language hip-hop film featuring mostly Palestinian actors and directed by an Israeli won a prize at the Berlin International Film Festival over the weekend. Unfortunately, the film is ineligible to win an Oscar since it also features a black actor.

January 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Atlanta Falcons running-back Tevin Coleman suffered a concussion after slipping in the shower. “That’s why I always advocated a buddy system in the team showers,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. British astronaut Tim Peake, who is stationed on the International Space Station in orbit above Earth, attempted to call home, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. Even worse, especially for the person on the other end of the line, he called collect.

3. Last week, Harlem Globetrotter great Meadowlark Lemon died at the age of 83. As per his request, he will be cremated, his ashes put in a bucket, secretly switched with a buck of water and thrown onto a lucky fan sitting courtside.

4. A South African lion named Brutus who fathered three “miracle” cubs despite having had a vasectomy in his youth is going back to the vet to have the operation a second time. As a result, zookeepers have changed Brutus’s named to Kevin Federlion.

5. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. Said the husband, “I meant reconcilable.”

6. Amidst growing unrest, Mayor Rahm Emanuel outlined new efforts to better train and equip Chicago police officers, which included doubling the number of tasers given to officers. And in future news, Chicago police officers mistake tasers for real guns, and shoot each other.

7. Just days after being charged with sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby tweeted out “Friends and fans, thank You.” Although, I’m not sure he needed to pluralize those words.

8. According to a new study, even though poor health is a known cause of unhappiness, and bad lifestyle choices often follow bad moods, misery alone probably won’t kill you. So great news, the living-hell that is your life, it’s gonna last a real long time.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning denied an Al-Jazeera report that he took human growth hormone, an illegal performance enhancing drug, saying he would never put anything harmful into his body. Although, not according to about a million Papa John’s commercials.

10. Al Jazeera says it had a second, “impeccably placed” source to back up the network’s recent assertion that human growth hormone shipments were provided to Peyton Manning’s home. That source, an anonymous man going by the alias “Bom Trady.”