January 4, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Atlanta Falcons running-back Tevin Coleman suffered a concussion after slipping in the shower. “That’s why I always advocated a buddy system in the team showers,” said Jerry Sandusky.

2. British astronaut Tim Peake, who is stationed on the International Space Station in orbit above Earth, attempted to call home, but accidentally dialed the wrong number. Even worse, especially for the person on the other end of the line, he called collect.

3. Last week, Harlem Globetrotter great Meadowlark Lemon died at the age of 83. As per his request, he will be cremated, his ashes put in a bucket, secretly switched with a buck of water and thrown onto a lucky fan sitting courtside.

4. A South African lion named Brutus who fathered three “miracle” cubs despite having had a vasectomy in his youth is going back to the vet to have the operation a second time. As a result, zookeepers have changed Brutus’s named to Kevin Federlion.

5. Last week, a Dutch court decided that a woman who won a $2.3 million lottery during a divorce has no obligation to share it with her ex-husband. Said the husband, “I meant reconcilable.”

6. Amidst growing unrest, Mayor Rahm Emanuel outlined new efforts to better train and equip Chicago police officers, which included doubling the number of tasers given to officers. And in future news, Chicago police officers mistake tasers for real guns, and shoot each other.

7. Just days after being charged with sexual assault, embattled comedian Bill Cosby tweeted out “Friends and fans, thank You.” Although, I’m not sure he needed to pluralize those words.

8. According to a new study, even though poor health is a known cause of unhappiness, and bad lifestyle choices often follow bad moods, misery alone probably won’t kill you. So great news, the living-hell that is your life, it’s gonna last a real long time.

9. Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning denied an Al-Jazeera report that he took human growth hormone, an illegal performance enhancing drug, saying he would never put anything harmful into his body. Although, not according to about a million Papa John’s commercials.

10. Al Jazeera says it had a second, “impeccably placed” source to back up the network’s recent assertion that human growth hormone shipments were provided to Peyton Manning’s home. That source, an anonymous man going by the alias “Bom Trady.”

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