February 22, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. As a result, Donald Trump was forced to buy an actual punching-bag to take his aggression out on.

2. After his fourth-place finish in Saturday’s South Carolina primary, Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican presidential race. Which wasn’t surprising since I received an email announcing that Bush was dropping out of the race a few hours before the primary from the Cruz campaign.

3. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Bernie said the last time he was this upset around Caesar’s Palace his childhood friend was being betrayed by Brutus.

4. Funny man Will Ferrell was seen campaigning for Hillary Clinton alongside Bill Clinton in Nevada over the weekend. Hillary said it was great to have the star of “the Ladies Man” campaigning for her, and also Will.

5. On Saturday night, Hillary Clinton beat Bernie Sanders in the Nevada Democratic caucus. Hillary was overjoyed and much happier than eight years ago when the Nevada voters bet it all on black.

6. Donald Trump on Saturday suggested President Obama would have attended the funeral of Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia had the service been held in a mosque. In response, President Obama promised to attend Trump’s funeral no matter where it’s held.

7. On Friday, Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi said Pope Francis’s suggestion that Donald Trump was “not Christian” because of his views on immigration was not a personal attack. Instinctively, Father Lombardi started out the official Vatican statement by saying “those boys are liars.”

8. Within minutes of Jeb Bush dropping out of the presidential race Saturday night, some of his biggest donors threw their financial support behind Marco Rubio. While Ben Carson wants to know if he can borrow money for bus fare.

9. In a recent news article, Kim Kardashian said she makes a make-shift bra out of gaffers tape before red carpet events to make her breasts look better. As a result, horny teenage boys have to be more specific now when typing “Kim Kardashian” and “tape” into Google.

10. An Arabic-language hip-hop film featuring mostly Palestinian actors and directed by an Israeli won a prize at the Berlin International Film Festival over the weekend. Unfortunately, the film is ineligible to win an Oscar since it also features a black actor.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.