September 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. Scientists reached this conclusion by examining the love choices of Liza Minnelli and Star Jones.

2. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. And, in unrelated news, John Travolta and Tom Cruise just let out a huge sigh of relief.

3. Software pioneer John McAfee filed the requisite paperwork on Wednesday to run for president in 2016 under his new Cyber Party. And, it’s the rare case where the fringe candidate who is wanted in Belize for murder and has a tendency to take selfies with guns pointed at his head is not the craziest option.

4. In a recent “Rolling Stone” article, Donald Trump mocked the physical appearance of fellow Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina by saying “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” But, in Trump’s defense, he doesn’t own a mirror.

5. On Wednesday, retired-tennis player James Blake was slammed to the ground, handcuffed and detained in New York City before police released him citing a case of mistaken identity. But, on the plus-side, James finally got a Grand Slam.

6. According to a report, boxer Floyd Mayweather received an intravenous injection of saline and vitamins, that was banned under World Anti-Doping Agency guidelines, on the eve of his May 2nd fight against Manny Pacquiao. But, in Mayweather’s defense, I needed my own intravenous injection of Red Bull and coffee to stay awake during that fight.

7. Twenty-four years after it was buried, the head of a giant statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was dug up from the woods on the outskirts of Berlin on Thursday. When it was erected it stood as a symbol for Communism and while the head was buried underground it stood as a symbol for the way Roger Goodell runs the NFL.

8. On Thursday, Sahara, a four-year-old baboon with light-colored fur, gave birth in an Israeli zoo to a baby girl with dark fur. You can hear more about this story on next week’s “Maury.”

9. During Tuesday’s rally supporting opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. Davis made sure to position her husband on the outside so, if she decides to get divorced and re-married for a fifth time, he is easy to crop out.

10. A new study shows, people with type 2 diabetes who smoke have significantly higher risks of heart disease, stroke and death than diabetic non-smokers. That story again, smoking is still bad for you.

11. A new study found, about one in 30 women who get vaginal surgery to address urinary incontinence will need repeat procedures within 10 years to replace mesh slings inserted to prevent leaking urine. You can read more about the study in the current edition of “I Dare You To Open This Monthly.”

12. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she’s already been accepted to Arizona State University.

13. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she took a really good nap that day.

14. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka. To find a drink with similar ingredients you’d have to be breastfeed by Dina Lohan.

15. There is a malicious porn-watching app called “Adult Player” that secretly takes control of your phone, snaps your picture, locks you out of the device and demands a $5000 extortion payment. Or, for $200, you can just buy a new phone.

16. During a 16-hour procedure on Tuesday, a hospital in Ohio successfully separated 11-month-old conjoined twins from Uganda. “That’s great,” said Donald Trump, “I’ll be sure to book two plane seats when I deport them.”

17. Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared Kim Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples to conscientious objections to slavery. So now people outside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against gay marriage and people inside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against slavery.

18. The Wall Street Journal reported that online retailer Amazon plans to sell a $50 tablet in time for this holiday season. It’s perfect if you want an iPad but your parents don’t love you.

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