Tag Archives: Floyd Mayweather

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.

May 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Thursday, U.S. health officials reported the first case of a patient with an infection resistant to all known antibiotics. To learn more about this infection talk to the guy coughing on you on the F-train.

2. Yesterday, tennis player Maria Sharapova was selected to represent Russia in the upcoming Olympic Games, even though she has been suspended from competition after testing positive for a testosterone boosting banned substance. And, it doesn’t look like she’s stopped taking the substance since she’s been signed up to compete in men’s singles.

3. Beloved children’s character Winnie-the-Pooh, who turns 90 this year, is set to return in a new adventure book where he will meet Queen Elizabeth, who also tuned 90 this year. Here’s a picture from the book:
Queen Pooh

4. A Indian man obsessed with setting Guinness world records got 366 flags tattooed on his body and had all his teeth removed so he could fit 500 straws and 50 burning candles into his mouth. The record the man set, least employable person in the world.

5. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch wrote an opinion piece published Thursday saying his meeting with Merrick Garland failed to change his view that the Senate should confirm the Supreme Court nominee, but, the scheduled meeting between Hatch and Garland hasn’t even taken place yet. But that’s okay, people don’t need to meet each other to form opinions. For instance, I’ve never met Orinn Hatch, but I’m 100% certain he’s a fucking moron who’s terrible at his job.

6. Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards is set to sign legislation that will increase protections for police officers known as the “Blue Lives Matter” bill. Which is great news for police and terrible news for Gargamel.

7. According to a new study, women find men who have the ability to tell an engaging story more attractive. Yet, when my girlfriend catches me ‘telling a story,’ I have to sleep on the couch.

8. On Wednesday, a 6-month-old girl in Florida became the world’s youngest water skier. Or, as sharks thought of her, veal.

9. According to a new study, having more sex can increase the size of a man’s penis. So I guess Wilt wasn’t always The Stilt.

10. New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski said he may become a professional wrestler after he retires from football. If so, his signature move will be the empty-head lock.

11. Google announced Wednesday that it will launch a new technology development center in Detroit this year that will solely focus on self-driving cars. The only problem is, no matter the programmed destination, the self-driving cars always instinctively drive out of Detroit.

12. A fight between boxer Floyd Mayweather and UFC champion Connor McGregor has reportedly been scheduled for September 17th. So, if you want to see a fight between a black guy and Irish guy before that, you’ll just have to go literally anywhere in Boston.

13. Actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce after only one year of marriage to actor Johnny Depp. Heard filed for divorce citing irreconcilable scarves.

14. It was just announced that Hollywood is making a movie based on the video game Tetris. Upon hearing the news, all these blocks: tetris 1became so excited they turned into these blocks: tetris 2

15. The San Francisco Parks Department is testing out a new program in which city residents can go online to reserve patches of grass in Dolores park on sunny days. Which means now you won’t know if that homeless guy using the San Francisco public library’s computer is reserving a spot at the park or masturbating. Hint, he’s masturbating.

16. Over the weekend, Kate Middleton took the helm of one of Great Britain’s high-speed yachts that will compete in the upcoming America’s Cup during a practice session. Because what could go wrong with a young, British princess racing around at an extremely high speed?

17. South Korea claims to have invented the world’s first hangover curing ice cream. Of course, if you eat enough of it, you’ll have a new hangover problem, your stomach hanging over your belt:
belly

18. In a new song, rapper Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian the female O.J. And it may be a good comparison, because people regret marrying her too.

19. A Seattle based company announced the launch of a hi-tech toothbrush that lets users stream video from inside their mouths. It retails for $399 in the U.S. and doesn’t in England.

20. A San Francisco-based company has won a U.S. government-sponsored competition by inventing alcohol monitoring devices that can be worn on the wrist. Which explains why Billy Joel always thinks the time is 0.141%.

October 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Finally answering the age-old question, can you take out a restraining order against entire university.

2. A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that, due to China’s shortage of women Chinese, men should share wives. Whereupon Zuoshi was immediately sued by Henny Youngman.

3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have herpes. So I guess people really are keeping up with the Kardashians.

4. On Tuesday, the Fox telecast of Game One of the World Series in Kansas City was knocked off the air for 20 minutes after a broadcast truck lost power. When power was restored, viewers were angry to see they had missed three mound visits, an umpire replay and two whole pitches.

5. This week, the World Health Organization found a link between eating red meat and cancer. Unsurprisingly, here’s a picture of one of the scientists who conducted the study:
Cow

6. The U.S. Air Force announced on Monday their new model of stealth bombers will cost half a billion dollars each. “In that case, I’ll just take two,” said Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

7. A markswoman has released a video that shows her carving a pumpkin by firing a rifle at it. So let me congratulate in advance the kids brave enough to ring that lady’s doorbell on Halloween.

8. A Canadian restaurant chain is introducing a new half-pound burger featuring a meat patty stuffed with Reese’s peanut butter cups and topped with bacon, crispy onions and more Reese’s cups. In light of the WHO’s recent findings, the idea is to let the diabetes get you before the cancer.

9. On Wednesday, more than 500 people tossed pizza dough simultaneously in Shanghai to break the world record. Although I’m pretty sure two people would have done it.

10. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter is now engaged to his swimsuit model girlfriend Hannah Davis. And, by the way the Worlds Series is going, that might be the only ring a New York baseball player gets this year.

September 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. Scientists reached this conclusion by examining the love choices of Liza Minnelli and Star Jones.

2. According to new research, gay-dar, the ability to sense if a person is gay, does not exist. And, in unrelated news, John Travolta and Tom Cruise just let out a huge sigh of relief.

3. Software pioneer John McAfee filed the requisite paperwork on Wednesday to run for president in 2016 under his new Cyber Party. And, it’s the rare case where the fringe candidate who is wanted in Belize for murder and has a tendency to take selfies with guns pointed at his head is not the craziest option.

4. In a recent “Rolling Stone” article, Donald Trump mocked the physical appearance of fellow Republican presidential candidate Carly Fiorina by saying “Look at that face. Would anyone vote for that?” But, in Trump’s defense, he doesn’t own a mirror.

5. On Wednesday, retired-tennis player James Blake was slammed to the ground, handcuffed and detained in New York City before police released him citing a case of mistaken identity. But, on the plus-side, James finally got a Grand Slam.

6. According to a report, boxer Floyd Mayweather received an intravenous injection of saline and vitamins, that was banned under World Anti-Doping Agency guidelines, on the eve of his May 2nd fight against Manny Pacquiao. But, in Mayweather’s defense, I needed my own intravenous injection of Red Bull and coffee to stay awake during that fight.

7. Twenty-four years after it was buried, the head of a giant statue of Soviet leader Vladimir Lenin was dug up from the woods on the outskirts of Berlin on Thursday. When it was erected it stood as a symbol for Communism and while the head was buried underground it stood as a symbol for the way Roger Goodell runs the NFL.

8. On Thursday, Sahara, a four-year-old baboon with light-colored fur, gave birth in an Israeli zoo to a baby girl with dark fur. You can hear more about this story on next week’s “Maury.”

9. During Tuesday’s rally supporting opposition to same-sex marriage, embattled county clerk Kim Davis and her husband posed for photos with prominent Republicans. Davis made sure to position her husband on the outside so, if she decides to get divorced and re-married for a fifth time, he is easy to crop out.

10. A new study shows, people with type 2 diabetes who smoke have significantly higher risks of heart disease, stroke and death than diabetic non-smokers. That story again, smoking is still bad for you.

11. A new study found, about one in 30 women who get vaginal surgery to address urinary incontinence will need repeat procedures within 10 years to replace mesh slings inserted to prevent leaking urine. You can read more about the study in the current edition of “I Dare You To Open This Monthly.”

12. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she’s already been accepted to Arizona State University.

13. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294. But, on the plus-side, she took a really good nap that day.

14. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka. To find a drink with similar ingredients you’d have to be breastfeed by Dina Lohan.

15. There is a malicious porn-watching app called “Adult Player” that secretly takes control of your phone, snaps your picture, locks you out of the device and demands a $5000 extortion payment. Or, for $200, you can just buy a new phone.

16. During a 16-hour procedure on Tuesday, a hospital in Ohio successfully separated 11-month-old conjoined twins from Uganda. “That’s great,” said Donald Trump, “I’ll be sure to book two plane seats when I deport them.”

17. Over the weekend, former Arkansas Governor Mike Huckabee compared Kim Davis’ refusal to issue marriage licenses to same-sex couples to conscientious objections to slavery. So now people outside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against gay marriage and people inside of Arkansas hate him because he’s against slavery.

18. The Wall Street Journal reported that online retailer Amazon plans to sell a $50 tablet in time for this holiday season. It’s perfect if you want an iPad but your parents don’t love you.

September 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson took a personal shot at Donald Trump on Wednesday, questioning the authenticity of the businessman’s religious faith. Said Trump, “My faith is as a real as my hair.”

2. A new digital campaign called “Joke with the Pope” has launched encouraging people to submit jokes to Pope Francis to try to make him laugh. So far Rabbi Shmuley ben Yosef has the best joke which starts, “You and me walk into a bar…”

3. 12-year-old Lydia Sebastian scored a 162 on a Mensa test, suggesting she has a higher IQ than Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking. Even more infuriating for those famous geniuses, Sebastian alive and able to walk.

4. 8-year-old boxer Lavar Lawrence says he wants to be the next Floyd Mayweather Jr. “He’s well on his way,” said his badly-bruised little sister.

5. Intel announced on Wednesday that it will no longer sponsor the Science Talent Search, the nation’s oldest and most prestigious science fair for high school students. The announcement released yesterday by the company read, “Suck it nerds!”

6. On Tuesday night, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was booed while attending the U.S. Open tennis championship. Trump would have been even angrier by the other things people yelled at him, but, luckily, he thought they were screaming “deuce.”

7. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that it plans to serve only cage-free eggs in its 16,000 restaurants within the next decade. These cage-free eggs will replace McDonald’s current egg-free eggs.

8. Former teen idol David Cassidy auctioned off his Florida home on Wednesday after filing for bankruptcy. So now Cassidy will need to find a new place to live and Danny Bonaduce will need to find a new place to squat.

9. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294, more than three times the legal limit for adult drivers. Her parents became concerned when she talked gibberish, was unable to walk and peed her pants more than usual.

10. Tonight the New England Patriots will take on the Pittsburgh Steelers thus signaling the end of the offseason for the NFL and the beginning of the offseason for the cops.

June 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. Yesterday, NBC cut ties with Donald Trump and his Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants in the wake of the billionaire’s controversial comments about Mexicans. Which is bad news for Trump and even worse news for the pageant contestants who already slept with him.

2. President Obama spoke with French President Francois Hollande on Monday about a possible bailout for debit-ridden Greece. “Not it!” said Obama and Hollande at the exact same time.

3. The Supreme Court on Monday found that a lethal injection drug used by Oklahoma does not violate the U.S. Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. “Any tips on how to make it crueler?” said Oklahoma.

4. Boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao topped Forbes list of the world’s highest paid celebrities on Monday. The last time someone with that much head trauma was that high on the list, Rihanna was still dating Chris Brown.

5. Authorities in California are trying to determine why an unidentified woman has been dropping bags filled with the bodies of decapitated animal’s near railroad tracks in Sacramento. I’m gonna guess because PetCo has a pretty strict “No head, no returns” policy.

6. On Sunday, the English village of Swaton hosted the annual World Egg Throwing Championship. As you will remember, last years competition was held on Justin Bieber’s neighbor’s lawn.

7. Facebook’s stock rose 3% on Tuesday, making the company more valuable than WalMart. And the two companies have a lot in common, they both contain a lot of crap, you’re embarrassed if you’re browsing either one past midnight and, if you’re in the South, it’s a great place to see what your high school classmates are up to.

8. Turkmenistan celebrated President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov’s 58th birthday on Monday by opening a park in the capital of Ashgabat bearing his name. And, in related news, my computer’s spell check just exploded.

9. Live on air on Friday, CNN pointed out an ISIS flag at a gay pride parade which turned out to be a flag of dildos and butt plugs rendered in the style of an ISIS flag. Which is not surprising since CNN has mistaken real life human dildo Don Lemon for an anchorman for years.

10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Said people with chlamydia, “What’s a condom?”

May 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Monday, it was revealed that Charlotte is the name of the new royal baby. And, since she was just born and is not yet potty-trained, that family now has two Charlies who are unable to sit on the throne.

2. Last week, Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer sent a recruitment letter to a three-month-old. Meyer said he sees the kid as a running back since he’s shown the ability to squeeze through tight openings.

3. In a recent speech, new McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook unveiled a turnaround plan for the struggling fast food giant using the phrase “modern, progressive burger company” many times. First step, from now on he will go by Ron McDonald.

4. Samsung and Walt Disney’s Marvel introduced a marketing campaign that uses virtual reality to promote the new “Avengers: Age of Ultron” movie. The technology is so life-like that it can make Johnny Depp feel like he’s actually in a successful movie.

5. According to a new study, football players suffer more concussions during practice than during games. “Joke’s on you, we never practice,” said the Jets.

6. Singer Chris Brown was named by Las Vegas police on Monday as a misdemeanor battery suspect after allegedly punching a man on Sunday during a pick-up basketball game. Those in attendance said it was the best fight they saw all weekend.

7. On Monday, shooting guard Stephen Curry was voted by NBA writers as this season’s MVP. But, if I know anything about curry, they’ll regret that decision in a few hours.

8. A Pakistani election tribunal expelled a senior minister and ally of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif from parliament on Monday for vote rigging in a 2013 election. Sounds like they’re picking up democracy faster than we thought.

9. Yesterday, Kanye announced that he is changing the title of his next album to Swish. “I don’t get the reference,” said the New York Knicks.

10. Today is Cinco de Mayo. Or, as it is known in Mexico, White People Getting Drunk For No Reason day.

May 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 141st Kentucky Derby with Firing Line coming in second and Dortmund taking third. Unsurprisingly, last place went to I’m Glue Now.

2. After losing in an unanimous decision to Floyd Mayweather Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao told reporters that he thought that he had won the match. That story again, the guy who got hit in the head 100 times has a different memory of things.

3. Over the weekend, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn announced the end of their three-year relationship citing “hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.” Begging the question, what kind of stripper name is “Hectic Lives”?

4. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is advising people to refrain from having sex with Ebola survivors. Well, there goes my pickup line.

5. Two more women came forward on Friday claiming that comedian Bill Cosby sexually assaulted them decades ago, bringing the list of accusers to more than 40. I’m no legal expert, but it’s probably a bad sign when the rape case against you is a class action.

6. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And if Bush does catch a game with Pitbull the real hero will be the guy who operates the Kiss Cam.

7. The first ever Starbucks express store opened in New York last week. The store is able to speed up the average wait-time by encouraging customers to give an incorrect name to begin with.

8. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. When asked why they were watching Victoria’s Secret surveillance video, authorities said, “That’s not important.”

9. Thursday night, the Cleveland Browns misspelled the name of their first round pick Cameron Erving when announcing the pick on Twitter. Said Erving, “Since I’m going to Cleveland I’d rather be incognito anyway.”

10. Due to financial difficulties, Malaysian Airlines announced that it will be offloading its entire fleet of A380 super jumbo jets. Hopefully, this time, when Malaysian Airlines gets rid of planes no one will be on them.

February 3, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

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1. On Saturday night, Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning won the NFL’s regular season MVP award. Said Manning, “So you know it wasn’t my fault.”

2. Last night boxer Floyd Mayweather reportedly lost over $10 million by betting on the Broncos in SuperBowl XLVIII. Proving that maybe it’s not a great idea to let the guy who gets punched in the head for a living manage his own money.

3. Last night the Seattle Seahawks took home the Lombardi trophy by beating the Denver Broncos 43-8 in SuperBowl XLVIII. Or, as people who run marijuana dispensaries in Colorado and Washington put it, “Oh shit, that was last night?”

4. Singer Justin Bieber was allowed re-entry into the U.S. on Friday after a brief detention during which U.S. customs officials used drug-sniffing dogs to search his private jet. It’s good to see Justin has used the past weeks as a learning experience, specifically he has learned to hide his drugs better.

5. A federal judge in Virginia has certified a class action lawsuit brought by two couples challenging the state’s ban on same sex marriage. If unsuccessful, the state will be required to change its motto from “Virginia is for Lovers” to “Virginia is for Lovers*.”

6. On Saturday, New Orleans Mayor Mitch Landrieu won re-election to a second term. Landrieu credited his win to the large voter turnout in the always important pet and dead people demographics.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was greeted with audible boos during a SuperBowl-related appearance in New York City on Saturday. Said Christie, “I know where you all live and good luck finding a non-closed road home tonight.”

8. A new era began for the NBA on Saturday when 30-year commissioner David Stern handed over the reigns to his successor Adam Silver. With one Jew replacing another, the NBA is still nine Jews away from a minyan.

9. Anna Gordy Gaye, the ex-wife of late soul legend Marvin Gaye, died on Friday at the age of 92. Authorities said she died of natural causes, but, just to be safe, they made sure Marvin’s father was still dead.

10. A New York man armed with a rifle and boxes of ammunition was arrested Friday after allegedly threatening to kill former President George W. Bush. “Trust me, it’s a lot harder to take a guy out with a rifle than you think,” said Dick Cheney.