May 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, it was revealed that Charlotte is the name of the new royal baby. And, since she was just born and is not yet potty-trained, that family now has two Charlies who are unable to sit on the throne.

2. Last week, Ohio State head football coach Urban Meyer sent a recruitment letter to a three-month-old. Meyer said he sees the kid as a running back since he’s shown the ability to squeeze through tight openings.

3. In a recent speech, new McDonald’s CEO Steve Easterbrook unveiled a turnaround plan for the struggling fast food giant using the phrase “modern, progressive burger company” many times. First step, from now on he will go by Ron McDonald.

4. Samsung and Walt Disney’s Marvel introduced a marketing campaign that uses virtual reality to promote the new “Avengers: Age of Ultron” movie. The technology is so life-like that it can make Johnny Depp feel like he’s actually in a successful movie.

5. According to a new study, football players suffer more concussions during practice than during games. “Joke’s on you, we never practice,” said the Jets.

6. Singer Chris Brown was named by Las Vegas police on Monday as a misdemeanor battery suspect after allegedly punching a man on Sunday during a pick-up basketball game. Those in attendance said it was the best fight they saw all weekend.

7. On Monday, shooting guard Stephen Curry was voted by NBA writers as this season’s MVP. But, if I know anything about curry, they’ll regret that decision in a few hours.

8. A Pakistani election tribunal expelled a senior minister and ally of Prime Minister Nawaz Sharif from parliament on Monday for vote rigging in a 2013 election. Sounds like they’re picking up democracy faster than we thought.

9. Yesterday, Kanye announced that he is changing the title of his next album to Swish. “I don’t get the reference,” said the New York Knicks.

10. Today is Cinco de Mayo. Or, as it is known in Mexico, White People Getting Drunk For No Reason day.

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