October 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Oxford University has conducted a study to find out where people are most uncomfortable being touched. Finally answering the age-old question, can you take out a restraining order against entire university.

2. A prominent Chinese economist named Xie Zuoshi is suggesting that, due to China’s shortage of women Chinese, men should share wives. Whereupon Zuoshi was immediately sued by Henny Youngman.

3. On Wednesday, the World Health Organization said that two-thirds of the world’s population under 50 have herpes. So I guess people really are keeping up with the Kardashians.

4. On Tuesday, the Fox telecast of Game One of the World Series in Kansas City was knocked off the air for 20 minutes after a broadcast truck lost power. When power was restored, viewers were angry to see they had missed three mound visits, an umpire replay and two whole pitches.

5. This week, the World Health Organization found a link between eating red meat and cancer. Unsurprisingly, here’s a picture of one of the scientists who conducted the study:

6. The U.S. Air Force announced on Monday their new model of stealth bombers will cost half a billion dollars each. “In that case, I’ll just take two,” said Floyd Mayweather, Jr.

7. A markswoman has released a video that shows her carving a pumpkin by firing a rifle at it. So let me congratulate in advance the kids brave enough to ring that lady’s doorbell on Halloween.

8. A Canadian restaurant chain is introducing a new half-pound burger featuring a meat patty stuffed with Reese’s peanut butter cups and topped with bacon, crispy onions and more Reese’s cups. In light of the WHO’s recent findings, the idea is to let the diabetes get you before the cancer.

9. On Wednesday, more than 500 people tossed pizza dough simultaneously in Shanghai to break the world record. Although I’m pretty sure two people would have done it.

10. According to reports, Yankee great Derek Jeter is now engaged to his swimsuit model girlfriend Hannah Davis. And, by the way the Worlds Series is going, that might be the only ring a New York baseball player gets this year.

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