May 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 141st Kentucky Derby with Firing Line coming in second and Dortmund taking third. Unsurprisingly, last place went to I’m Glue Now.

2. After losing in an unanimous decision to Floyd Mayweather Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao told reporters that he thought that he had won the match. That story again, the guy who got hit in the head 100 times has a different memory of things.

3. Over the weekend, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn announced the end of their three-year relationship citing “hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.” Begging the question, what kind of stripper name is “Hectic Lives”?

4. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is advising people to refrain from having sex with Ebola survivors. Well, there goes my pickup line.

5. Two more women came forward on Friday claiming that comedian Bill Cosby sexually assaulted them decades ago, bringing the list of accusers to more than 40. I’m no legal expert, but it’s probably a bad sign when the rape case against you is a class action.

6. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And if Bush does catch a game with Pitbull the real hero will be the guy who operates the Kiss Cam.

7. The first ever Starbucks express store opened in New York last week. The store is able to speed up the average wait-time by encouraging customers to give an incorrect name to begin with.

8. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. When asked why they were watching Victoria’s Secret surveillance video, authorities said, “That’s not important.”

9. Thursday night, the Cleveland Browns misspelled the name of their first round pick Cameron Erving when announcing the pick on Twitter. Said Erving, “Since I’m going to Cleveland I’d rather be incognito anyway.”

10. Due to financial difficulties, Malaysian Airlines announced that it will be offloading its entire fleet of A380 super jumbo jets. Hopefully, this time, when Malaysian Airlines gets rid of planes no one will be on them.

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