December 23, 2019 – Monologue Jokes

1. Hundreds of crazed Ryan Reynolds fans in South America pushed through a barricade to get to actor. That story again, apparently the movie ‘Green Lantern’ was never released in South America. 

2. Dozens of Indonesians took part in a shouting competition in the capital Jakarta last week. So hopefully all those long nights of practice paid off, couple who live in the apartment next to me. 

3. Police say a man crammed thirty bags of frozen shrimp down his pants in burglaries at multiple California grocery stores. Shouted the man as they put him in the police car, “Tell everyone that they were jumbo shrimp!” 

4. Last week it was announced that guitarist John Frusciante is rejoining the Red Hot Chili Peppers, a few years after he left the band. Turns out he wasn’t a great fit at his office job:

 5. In an apparent effort to escalate their feud, rapper Nick Cannon claimed last week that there is a video of Eminem ‘sucking a cock.’ Even more embarrassing, there are multiple videos of Nick Cannon sucking at rap.

6. According to a new study, athletes have healthier brains and, as a result, can hear better. “What did you say?” said every member of the Knicks.

7. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Because apparently ‘Baby Yoda’ is two words.

8. Last week, Merriam-Webster’s dictionary named ‘they’ as their word of the year. Further proof that this year has really fucking sucked.

9. The Justice Department recently announced that it will review plans by Google to buy fitness tracker Fitbit. Said the DOJ to Google, “Are you really going to use it? Or is just gonna end up in a drawer somewhere?”

10. According to reports, President Trump is likely to nominate Hudson Institute CEO Kenneth Weinstein as his new ambassador to Japan. The ambassador said he is honored to have the position and will do his best not to ruin the good ‘Weinstein’ name.

11. Over the weekend, the U.S. golf team, led by Tiger Woods, won the Presidents Cup. Although anyone with $1.99 to spare, can get the same cup as the President:

12. On Tuesday, Joe Biden’s doc said the former Vice President is healthy enough to undertake the duties of the presidency. Actually, his exact words were, “Well if that guy can do it”:

13. President Trump on Tuesday issued a stark warning to congressional Democrats, saying that if they pursue impeachment against him they will be “declaring war on American democracy.” Said Nancy Pelosi:

14. Artist Simone Fugazzotto defended on Tuesday a widely criticized anti-racism campaign launched by Italy’s Serie A soccer league which features his paintings of apes. Said the artist, “What does ‘anti’ mean?”

15. A duck in the U.K. had to have its penis removed recently after it began attempting to mate with females up to ten times per day. And, just like that, I believe in reincarnation:

16. According to the Center for Disease Control, puppies purchased from pet stores have been linked to bacterial infection outbreak in over thirty states. “So, you’re welcome?” said Michael Vick.

17. Thousands of Liberian immigrants will be eligible to apply for green cards and eventual U.S. citizenship under the terms of a defense spending bill passed by the Senate on Tuesday. Or at least until President Trump realizes they are talking about African immigrants and not librarians.

18. During a rally theis past week, President Trump joked that former Congressman John Dingell, who died in February, might be in hell. “You don’t have to die to find yourself in hell,” said Melania.

August 31, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. This week, social media personality and self-proclaimed “conspiracy analyst” Michael Lebron, visited President Trump in the Oval Office. That story again, the White House hosted a noted conspiracy theorist and some dude named Michael Lebron.

2. There is a rumor circulating that President Trump fathered an illegitimate child. “I categorically deny all allegations that that child is mine,” said President Trump of Eric.

3. A disgruntled New York Knicks fan auctioned off his fandom for $3,450 and will spend the coming season rooting for the Los Angeles Lakers. And he has a point, the Knicks are such a terrible organization and so bad at making deals, they some how owe $3,000 of that $3,450 fee. 

4. Comedian Eddie Murphy announced that he will become a dad for the tenth time at the age of 57. Sounds like Eddie might want to be a little less nutty of a professor.

5. Former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin was not invited to this week’s memorial services for John McCain. But, to be fair, she’s already buried him once:

6. A juror who voted to convict Paul Manafort and who is also a Trump supporter said it would be a mistake for the President to pardon Manafort. Adding, “And I know mistakes, I voted for Trump.”

7. Republican Senator James Inhofe told reporters Monday that the late Senator John McCain was “partially to blame” for the controversy over the raising the American flag at the White House after flying at half-mast for only one day. Look, I don’t believe you should speak ill of the dead, luckily that shithead James Inhofe is still alive, so fuck him.

8. A study published Monday found that low levels of chemicals in marijuana were measurable in several mothers’ breast milk up to six days after they said they smoked pot. Which I guess explains why most babies just lie around all day and do nothing.

9. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” That story again, President Trump definitely Googles himself every day.

10. President Trump has renewed his claims of bias against conservatives on the internet, accusing Google of rigging its results to show “bad” stories when users search for “Trump news.” Other things that Trump thinks are rigged include elections, Time’s Man of the Year award, and mirrors.

11. Boston Red Sox star J.D. Martinez stood behind a 2013 Instagram post that attributed a fake quote to Adolf Hitler. Even worse, this is the quote:

12. According to a new study, 1 in 50 airplane passengers meet the love of their life on board an plane. While the other 49 end up sitting next to this guy:

13. President Trump on Tuesday unblocked some Twitter users after a federal judge said preventing people from following him violated individuals constitutional rights. So to those recently unblocked Twitter users I say “Congratulations?”

14. According to the CDC, rates of syphilis, gonorrhea and chlamydia have climbed for the fourth consecutive year in the United States. That story again, seems like Colin Farrell is back to dating.

October 21, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. “No one said there would be steps involved,” said a winded Chris Christie.
 
2. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Trump equated it to going from an Ivanka to a Tiffany.
 
3. Wednesday night, Donald Trump’s eldest son, Donald Trump Jr., said that his father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a “step down” from the Republican nominee’s business career. Hey, Don, your father’s pursuit of the presidency represented a step down for everyone.
 
4. On Thursday, insurance giant MetLife announced that it will no longer be using Snoopy, Charlie Brown or any other members of the Peanuts gang in its ad campaigns. Although, it seems like they could have broke the news to Charlie in a nicer way:
charlie-brown

5. After Wednesday night’s third presidential debate, actor Stephen Baldwin, speaking about his brother Alec’s portrayal of Donald Trump on SNL, said, “I don’t think it’s very funny. I don’t think there’s anything funny about this election.” And Stephen knows a little something about unfunny, he starred in ‘Bio-Dome.’
 
6. According to the Center for Disease Control, last year reported cases of STDs reached a record high in America. And, in possibly related news, last year Ben Affleck got divorced.

7. On Thursday, zoo officials announced that Bao Bao, the female giant panda, will leave the National Zoo in Washington, D.C. next year and move to China under a breeding agreement. Although, maybe Bao Bao would have gotten more action stateside if you stopped referring to her as a ‘giant’ panda.

8. A truck competing in a NASCAR race this Saturday in Talladega will be covered in the Trump Pence 2016 campaign logo. Also representing the Trump campaign, any truck that catches on fire and continues to run the race.

9. A man in the U.K. is standing trial on child cruelty charges for farting in a boy’s face. He’s lawyer plans to go with the notorious “whoever smelt it, dealt it” defense.

10. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. “I knew this tasted familiar,” said Paris Hilton.

11. A cooking class in the U.K. is teaching students how to cook with their own semen. The first step in every recipe is to “whisk well.”

12. An New Jersey high school student was injured when she jumped out a second-story window to avoid taking a test Wednesday morning. She didn’t think she would get injured, so, I guess, either way, she failed her physics test.
 
13. Ringling Brothers is upset that people constantly refer to this year’s presidential election as ‘a circus.’ Although, referring to Donald Trump as a ‘three-ring circus’ is not inaccurate:
trump-weddings

14. According to a new study, New York is the second most rat infested city in America. And, I for one, blame this entirely on lazy bodega cats.

15. Malaysian Airlines is in talks to rent out its A380 superjumbos to religious travel groups for Haj and Umrah pilgrimages. Which is a great idea because, even in the worst case scenario, they’ll just get to Mecca quicker.

16. According to a new poll, 36% of Colorado residents said they would kill someone for money. So, for the love of God, will someone please check on the other 64%.
 
17. Scores of cat enthusiasts painted their faces and dressed up in elaborate and colorful feline costumes to celebrate Japan’s annual ghost cat festival. The ghost cat festival or, as it is known in Japan, the Goodbye Kitty festival.
 
18. Samantha Holvey, a former Miss Universe contestant from North Carolina, claims that then-pageant owner Donald Trump personally inspected each woman before the contest. Or, as Melania knows it, a first date.

19. A new report claims, more than 1,300 elderly people go missing in China every day. And, in a unrelated story, Princes Charles has graciously bought his mother, Queen Elizabeth, and all-expenses paid vacation to China.

20. Last week, a man in the U.K. had to have his penis amputated after getting it stuck for four days in bottle he was using as sex toy. But, on the plus-side, he now has a full bottle of shampoo.

July 15, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new NBC poll, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has 0% support among African American voters in Ohio. And, if anyone knows something about zero black people, it’s NBC:
nbc

2. Last night was the 500th episode of “The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.” Fallon credits his show’s success to fun bits, positive, inclusive humor and not having Jay Leno as a lead-in.

3. According to reports, today Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump will name Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his vice presidential running mate. Upon hearing the news:
Christie Trump Tower

4. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he is looking for a vice president who has the skills and experience that he lacks. So the question becomes, where do you find a likable, mute who doesn’t want to bone his own daughter?

5. The Center for Disease Control is collecting semen from hundreds of men in the U.S. to determine how long the Zika virus lasts in bodily fluids. Scientists will gather the hundreds of semen samples by taking a mop onto the G train.

6. A new study concludes that humans are still evolving. The study was conducted anywhere but the South.

7. The Republican Party will declare internet pornography a “public health crisis” when its platform is revealed next week at the convention. Still cool with guns though.

8. A woman was arrested last week for threatening to kill famed theoretical physicist Stephen Hawking. “Back off, I got this,” said Mother Nature.

9. In a recent interview, President Obama said he dreams of opening a t-shirt shop in Hawaii once his term in office is through. And you thought Obama had problems making a deal with Putin before:
putin

10. A selection of outfits worn by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth has gone on display at Buckingham Palace as part of an exhibition marking the monarch’s 90th birthday. Unfortunately, it seems like they didn’t leave the Queen with a lot of options in her closet:
outfit

11. President Obama joined Hillary Clinton at a campaign rally in North Carolina last week, telling voters he was ready to “pass the baton” to his former secretary of state. Which is odd because, when it comes to track and field, Hillary always struck me more as a shot-putter:
shot put

12. Last week, the Georgia Supreme Court ruled that the Ku Klux Klan is legally allowed to adopt a highway. Which explains why, after being re-tarred, the 505 was also covered in feathers.

13. While testifying before Congress regarding Hillary Clinton’s emails, FBI director James Comey revealed that former General David Petreaus hid documents in the insulation of his attic while being investigated. Said Mrs. Clinton, “That’s crazy, I’d never do that because, in order to make room for the docs, I’d have to move Vince Foster’s body.”

14. Last week, Texas Senator Ted Cruz accepted an invitation from former rival Donald Trump to speak at this month’s Republican National Convention. As a result, the convention has been moved from Cleveland to here:
skull island

15. The world’s oldest male twins, Pieter and Paulus Langerock of Belgium, turned 103 last week. The brothers made a wish, blew out their candles, saw the other one was still alive and said in unison, “my wish didn’t come true.”

16. Lawyers for Gretchen Carlson, who is suing Fox News boss Roger Ailes for sexual harassment, say Ailes is the “Bill Cosby of media.” Said Cosby, “That’s not fair, I was on TV too.”

17. An Ambulance driver in Virginia got lost on the way to the hospital while transporting a dying man. Luckily he knew exactly how to get to the morgue.

18. More than 3,000 people stripped naked and were painted blue on Saturday in the U.K. to be part of a mass human artwork. “This is my nightmare,” said Gargamel.

19. A fan got punched in the face by a rider during the eighth stage of the Tour de France. That’s crazy, there’s a fan of bike riding?

20. There has been an increase in the amount of whale sightings in the waters near New York City, including the East River. Experts attribute the uptick to whales not paying off their gambling debts.

March 1, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the NFL said the so-called Gronkowski cruise, in which Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski made a paid appearance on a four-day cruise Norwegian Cruise, is not being investigated by the league. Although, the cruise is being investigated by the Center for Disease Control.

2. Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas asked a question during a case for the first time in over 10 years. Unfortunately, it was “Did anyone call dibs on Scalia’s robe?”

3. According to a new study, women in many U.S. states are given misleading information in state-issued brochures when they seek abortions. Specifically, the brochure entitled “So You’re Going to Hell.”

4. During Sunday night’s Academy Awards, host Chris Rock invited members of his daughters’ Girl Scout troop into the Dolby Theater mid-show to sell boxes of cookies to the seated stars. “Of course it’s the year I’m not nominated,” said a visibly upset Jonah Hill.

5. According to national ratings data, 34.3 million Americans watched the 2016 Oscars ceremony on Sunday, the smallest TV audience in eight years. But part of that’s because they counted Jada Pinkett Smith as three people.

6. After being nominated four times, Leonardo DiCaprio finally won an Oscar on Sunday, taking home the best actor statuette for his role in “The Revenant.” So finally things are looking up for this guy:
dicaprio

7. According to a new study, people with a history of fainting spells or blackouts may be more likely to get into car crashes than the typical driver. The study was conducted by following Billy Joel around for a week.

8. In a new book called “Dear Pope Francis,” the Pope answers 31 drawings and questions posed by children from around the world. Although, to be fair, most of the kids’ drawings where just police outlines about where the priests had touched them.

9. According to a new study, women may experience small benefits from a drug approved last year to treat low sexual desire, but are at a high risk of experiencing unpleasant side effects. Although, on the plus side, now when you say “Not tonight honey, I have a headache,” you may actually be telling the truth.

10. Businessman Tokyo Sexwale withdrew from the FIFA presidential race minutes before last Friday’s vote. Which makes sense, because anytime I attempt a tokyo sexwale, I always make sure to end it by pulling out.

January 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley told Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump not to take the criticism she offered up in her Republican response to the State of the Union address personally. In response, Trump said, “He would never take attacks from a complete slut personally.”

2. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone. Which means, when Cookie Monster comes to visit, it will be the first time a monster has been in a Brooklyn brownstone since “the Cosby Show” went off the air.

3. Yesterday, nominations for the Razzies, which celebrate the year’s worst movies, were released, with Adam Sandler getting nominated in the worst picture, worst actor, worst on-screen combo and worst screenplay categories. Sandler said he was disappointed because he was really hoping for the lifetime achievement award this year.

4. Former Olympic downhill-skier Picabo Street was charged with assault and domestic violence after allegedly pushing her elderly father down a flight of stairs in December. Even worse, he missed two gates on the way down.

5. On Wednesday, Hue Jackson was hired as the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Presumably because Jackson drew the shortest straw.

6. Republican strategists published a new article for CNN claiming that the candidates having the most fun on the campaign trail tend to fair the best in elections. “Do most fun-sized Milky Ways count?” said Chris Christie.

7. According to a new study from the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same sex partners. “So….?” said CDC scientists to their wives.

8. A U.S. government cyber security official warned that authorities have seen an increase in attacks that penetrate industrial control system networks over the past year. And I would be scared if I had any idea what that meant.

9. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan accused President Obama of setting “verbal traps” for Republicans. Man, I miss the old days when Dick Cheney would just shoot you in the face.

10. Yesterday, NBC announced that the cast of “Friends” would reunite for a primetime special to air later this year. Which is great news for fans of “Friends” and the one fan of “Joey.”

June 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Singer-songwriter Neil Young told Donald Trump that the new presidential candidate does not have his permission to the use the song “Rockin’ in the Free World.” As a result, Trump has contacted Beck to see if he can use “the Devil’s Haircut.”

2. According to a report from the CDC, the number of births in the U.S. went up last year for the first time since 2007. “Challenge accepted,” said Casey Anthony.

3. According to social media, a new trend among young women is growing out their underarm hair. Also a new trend among young women, celibacy.

4. China on Wednesday rebuffed comments made by Donald Trump that China is stealing U.S. jobs, saying trade between the two countries is a win-win. Begging the question, what will you give us for Donald?

5. According to a new study, only 50% of all athletes who have knee surgery return to the high level of performance they had before the procedure. Scary to think that there’s potentially an even worse version of the Knicks out there.

6. In a recent interview, former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said she doesn’t consider herself a con artist. Unless that some sort of new slang black people are now using, in that case, yes she does.

7. A Pittsburgh man robbed a bank this week using a vibrator. Said the man, “For the love of God, someone please warn my wife we accidentally switched bags before she sees ‘Magic Mike 2.’”

8. Iran has launched a website designed to encourage young single people to get married. It’s called ForcedMatch.com.

9. Yesterday, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel told the media he is retiring the trademark money sign he does with his fingers after a good play. Said Browns fans, “We got really excited, but then we heard there was more to the sentence after the word ‘retiring.’”

10. Hillary Clinton said on Wednesday that she would soon roll out a plan to make college more affordable and help graduates who are already mired in student debt. And, since her husband Bill is one of her advisors, I’m gonna guess the plan is stripping.

May 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. That’s outrageous, that’s, at best, a Sasha offer.

2. Felix Kiprono, a lawyer living in Nairobi, Kenya has offered Barack Obama 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats in exchange for the President’s 16-year-old daughter, Malia’s hand in marriage. “You could do a lot worse than a lawyer born in Kenya,” said Michelle.

3. A California auction house is selling an early racist drawing by Dr. Seuss for $20,000. But, in the famed author’s defense, there are only so many words that rhyme with ‘bigger.’

4. Yesterday, a molestation claim made by choreographer Wade Robson against Michael Jackson was dismissed. So Michael Jackson’s sterling reputation remains intact.

5. On Thursday, while giving a speech at the U.N., former President Bill Clinton said the CDC told him he was “officially Ebola-free” after a recent trip to Liberia. But they’re still waiting on the reports to determine which STDs Liberia caught from Bill.

6. Yesterday, it was announced that FIFA 16, the latest installment of the world’s most popular soccer video game, will feature women’s teams for the first time ever. Because the people in charge of PR for that game have the worst timing ever.

7. On Thursday, Russian President Vladimir Putin accused the U.S. of meddling outside its jurisdiction in response to the FBI probe and arrest of several FIFA officials. Said Putin, “If you want to meddle outside your jurisdiction, first invade it and make it your jurisdiction.”

8. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Which is ironic, because when I typed their names into my computer for this joke, my spell-check exploded.

9. Eighth-graders Gokul Venkatachalam of Missouri and Vanya Shivanshankar of Kansas were declared co-winners of the Scripps National Spelling Bee on Thursday. Not to be confused with Gokul Venkatachalam of Kentucky and Venya Shivanshankar of Arkansas.

10. Real estate mogul and potential 2016 presidential candidate Donald Trump said he will make a major announcement on June 16. But, up until then, since he is still a private citizen, Trump hopes the media respects his wishes and covers him non-stop.

11. The Maryland “free-range” parents have been cleared of child neglect charges related to an incident in December in which their children, ages 6 and 10, were allowed to walk home alone from a playground over a mile away from their house. “Slow down! Now, where are these ‘free-range’ kids?” said Jerry Sandusky.

12. 73-year-old presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders is selling a bumper sticker that reads “Honk for a political revolution.” And, then in smaller print, “Or if I left my left blinker is on again.”

13. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. Scientists determined this by looking up the definition of the word ‘exercise.’

14. According to a new study, elderly men who exercise regularly may be less likely to die than those who live a sedentary lifestyle. So, great news, that old guy in the gym locker room who refuses to cover up, he’s gonna be around for a long time.

15. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. The couple is surviving by some pretty pissed off people.

16. WalMart is urging its meat suppliers to reduce their use of antibiotics. Said WalMart customers, “We’re already eating meat we bought at a WalMart, so really what’s the difference?”

17. The Dutch government on Friday agreed to introduce a ban on the wearing of the full-face veil, popular among Islamic women, in public places. Except for you Karen, you can keep wearing it.

May 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, American Pharaoh won the 141st Kentucky Derby with Firing Line coming in second and Dortmund taking third. Unsurprisingly, last place went to I’m Glue Now.

2. After losing in an unanimous decision to Floyd Mayweather Saturday night, Manny Pacquiao told reporters that he thought that he had won the match. That story again, the guy who got hit in the head 100 times has a different memory of things.

3. Over the weekend, golfer Tiger Woods and skier Lindsey Vonn announced the end of their three-year relationship citing “hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart.” Begging the question, what kind of stripper name is “Hectic Lives”?

4. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention is advising people to refrain from having sex with Ebola survivors. Well, there goes my pickup line.

5. Two more women came forward on Friday claiming that comedian Bill Cosby sexually assaulted them decades ago, bringing the list of accusers to more than 40. I’m no legal expert, but it’s probably a bad sign when the rape case against you is a class action.

6. Last week, possible presidential candidate Jeb Bush said if he could take anyone he wanted to a basketball game he would choose Teddy Roosevelt or rapper Pitbull. And if Bush does catch a game with Pitbull the real hero will be the guy who operates the Kiss Cam.

7. The first ever Starbucks express store opened in New York last week. The store is able to speed up the average wait-time by encouraging customers to give an incorrect name to begin with.

8. Surveillance video identified two Pennsylvania women who have stolen nearly $8,000 worth of bras from Victoria’s Secret. When asked why they were watching Victoria’s Secret surveillance video, authorities said, “That’s not important.”

9. Thursday night, the Cleveland Browns misspelled the name of their first round pick Cameron Erving when announcing the pick on Twitter. Said Erving, “Since I’m going to Cleveland I’d rather be incognito anyway.”

10. Due to financial difficulties, Malaysian Airlines announced that it will be offloading its entire fleet of A380 super jumbo jets. Hopefully, this time, when Malaysian Airlines gets rid of planes no one will be on them.

January 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. At a recent Knicks game, a fan kissed a total stranger after her boyfriend refused to participate in the Kiss Cam. That’s crazy, there were three people at a Knicks game?

2. A Beverly Hills rare coin dealer purchased a 1792 American penny for nearly $2.6 million at auction. “Good to know that I’m not the only one whose overpaid for a Penny,” said Rob Reiner.

3. Donald Trump has sued Palm Beach County, Florida, accusing the airport of deliberately sending air traffic over his Mar-a-Lago mansion. Which is weird, because I just assumed from his hairstyle that he had no idea about anything that was going on over his head.

4. On Tuesday, Facebook said it will start issuing emergency alerts to its 140 million users when children go missing. It will serve as great notice to parents who haven’t looked up from their smartphone for the past four hours that their kid is missing.

5. The director of the U.S. Center for Disease Control and Prevention said on Tuesday that he was “confident” he could reach his goal of getting the West Africa Ebola outbreak down to zero cases. “Funny, that’s my goal, too,” said Ebola.

6. “Transformers: Age of Extinction” led all movies with seven Razzie Award nominations yesterday, including worst picture, screenplay and director. Said director Michael Bay, “Joke’s on you, we didn’t have a screenplay.”

7. According to local Seattle officials, a black Labrador named Eclipse has been riding city buses without her owner to a local dog park for the past few weeks. Said Eclipse, “It’s not a big deal, my car is in the shop.”

8. It was announced yesterday that Woody Allen will write and direct an online series for Amazon. So now you won’t know if Allen is nervously stuttering or if your computer is buffering.

9. Congressional Republicans have invited former Tonight Show host Jay Leno and ex-British Prime Minister Tony Blair to speak at their annual retreat in Pennsylvania. Because, apparently, Republicans never tire of getting accused of living in the past.

10. After the Broncos lost to the Colts over the weekend, Denver quarterback Peyton Manning implied that he may retire after this season. Although, after watching his performance verse the Colts, he may have gotten an early start on that.