June 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, NBC cut ties with Donald Trump and his Miss USA and Miss Universe pageants in the wake of the billionaire’s controversial comments about Mexicans. Which is bad news for Trump and even worse news for the pageant contestants who already slept with him.

2. President Obama spoke with French President Francois Hollande on Monday about a possible bailout for debit-ridden Greece. “Not it!” said Obama and Hollande at the exact same time.

3. The Supreme Court on Monday found that a lethal injection drug used by Oklahoma does not violate the U.S. Constitution’s ban on cruel and unusual punishment. “Any tips on how to make it crueler?” said Oklahoma.

4. Boxers Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao topped Forbes list of the world’s highest paid celebrities on Monday. The last time someone with that much head trauma was that high on the list, Rihanna was still dating Chris Brown.

5. Authorities in California are trying to determine why an unidentified woman has been dropping bags filled with the bodies of decapitated animal’s near railroad tracks in Sacramento. I’m gonna guess because PetCo has a pretty strict “No head, no returns” policy.

6. On Sunday, the English village of Swaton hosted the annual World Egg Throwing Championship. As you will remember, last years competition was held on Justin Bieber’s neighbor’s lawn.

7. Facebook’s stock rose 3% on Tuesday, making the company more valuable than WalMart. And the two companies have a lot in common, they both contain a lot of crap, you’re embarrassed if you’re browsing either one past midnight and, if you’re in the South, it’s a great place to see what your high school classmates are up to.

8. Turkmenistan celebrated President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov’s 58th birthday on Monday by opening a park in the capital of Ashgabat bearing his name. And, in related news, my computer’s spell check just exploded.

9. Live on air on Friday, CNN pointed out an ISIS flag at a gay pride parade which turned out to be a flag of dildos and butt plugs rendered in the style of an ISIS flag. Which is not surprising since CNN has mistaken real life human dildo Don Lemon for an anchorman for years.

10. Students attending a college in England have developed a smart condom that glows green if exposed to chlamydia. Said people with chlamydia, “What’s a condom?”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.