September 10, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson took a personal shot at Donald Trump on Wednesday, questioning the authenticity of the businessman’s religious faith. Said Trump, “My faith is as a real as my hair.”

2. A new digital campaign called “Joke with the Pope” has launched encouraging people to submit jokes to Pope Francis to try to make him laugh. So far Rabbi Shmuley ben Yosef has the best joke which starts, “You and me walk into a bar…”

3. 12-year-old Lydia Sebastian scored a 162 on a Mensa test, suggesting she has a higher IQ than Albert Einstein and Stephen Hawking. Even more infuriating for those famous geniuses, Sebastian alive and able to walk.

4. 8-year-old boxer Lavar Lawrence says he wants to be the next Floyd Mayweather Jr. “He’s well on his way,” said his badly-bruised little sister.

5. Intel announced on Wednesday that it will no longer sponsor the Science Talent Search, the nation’s oldest and most prestigious science fair for high school students. The announcement released yesterday by the company read, “Suck it nerds!”

6. On Tuesday night, Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump was booed while attending the U.S. Open tennis championship. Trump would have been even angrier by the other things people yelled at him, but, luckily, he thought they were screaming “deuce.”

7. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that it plans to serve only cage-free eggs in its 16,000 restaurants within the next decade. These cage-free eggs will replace McDonald’s current egg-free eggs.

8. Former teen idol David Cassidy auctioned off his Florida home on Wednesday after filing for bankruptcy. So now Cassidy will need to find a new place to live and Danny Bonaduce will need to find a new place to squat.

9. A 6-week-old girl is expected to make a full recovery after mistakenly being given baby formula mixed with vodka that resulted in a blood-alcohol level of 0.294, more than three times the legal limit for adult drivers. Her parents became concerned when she talked gibberish, was unable to walk and peed her pants more than usual.

10. Tonight the New England Patriots will take on the Pittsburgh Steelers thus signaling the end of the offseason for the NFL and the beginning of the offseason for the cops.

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