May 27, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, U.S. health officials reported the first case of a patient with an infection resistant to all known antibiotics. To learn more about this infection talk to the guy coughing on you on the F-train.

2. Yesterday, tennis player Maria Sharapova was selected to represent Russia in the upcoming Olympic Games, even though she has been suspended from competition after testing positive for a testosterone boosting banned substance. And, it doesn’t look like she’s stopped taking the substance since she’s been signed up to compete in men’s singles.

3. Beloved children’s character Winnie-the-Pooh, who turns 90 this year, is set to return in a new adventure book where he will meet Queen Elizabeth, who also tuned 90 this year. Here’s a picture from the book:
Queen Pooh

4. A Indian man obsessed with setting Guinness world records got 366 flags tattooed on his body and had all his teeth removed so he could fit 500 straws and 50 burning candles into his mouth. The record the man set, least employable person in the world.

5. Republican Senator Orrin Hatch wrote an opinion piece published Thursday saying his meeting with Merrick Garland failed to change his view that the Senate should confirm the Supreme Court nominee, but, the scheduled meeting between Hatch and Garland hasn’t even taken place yet. But that’s okay, people don’t need to meet each other to form opinions. For instance, I’ve never met Orinn Hatch, but I’m 100% certain he’s a fucking moron who’s terrible at his job.

6. Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards is set to sign legislation that will increase protections for police officers known as the “Blue Lives Matter” bill. Which is great news for police and terrible news for Gargamel.

7. According to a new study, women find men who have the ability to tell an engaging story more attractive. Yet, when my girlfriend catches me ‘telling a story,’ I have to sleep on the couch.

8. On Wednesday, a 6-month-old girl in Florida became the world’s youngest water skier. Or, as sharks thought of her, veal.

9. According to a new study, having more sex can increase the size of a man’s penis. So I guess Wilt wasn’t always The Stilt.

10. New England Patriots tight-end Rob Gronkowski said he may become a professional wrestler after he retires from football. If so, his signature move will be the empty-head lock.

11. Google announced Wednesday that it will launch a new technology development center in Detroit this year that will solely focus on self-driving cars. The only problem is, no matter the programmed destination, the self-driving cars always instinctively drive out of Detroit.

12. A fight between boxer Floyd Mayweather and UFC champion Connor McGregor has reportedly been scheduled for September 17th. So, if you want to see a fight between a black guy and Irish guy before that, you’ll just have to go literally anywhere in Boston.

13. Actress Amber Heard has filed for divorce after only one year of marriage to actor Johnny Depp. Heard filed for divorce citing irreconcilable scarves.

14. It was just announced that Hollywood is making a movie based on the video game Tetris. Upon hearing the news, all these blocks: tetris 1became so excited they turned into these blocks: tetris 2

15. The San Francisco Parks Department is testing out a new program in which city residents can go online to reserve patches of grass in Dolores park on sunny days. Which means now you won’t know if that homeless guy using the San Francisco public library’s computer is reserving a spot at the park or masturbating. Hint, he’s masturbating.

16. Over the weekend, Kate Middleton took the helm of one of Great Britain’s high-speed yachts that will compete in the upcoming America’s Cup during a practice session. Because what could go wrong with a young, British princess racing around at an extremely high speed?

17. South Korea claims to have invented the world’s first hangover curing ice cream. Of course, if you eat enough of it, you’ll have a new hangover problem, your stomach hanging over your belt:
belly

18. In a new song, rapper Kanye West calls his wife Kim Kardashian the female O.J. And it may be a good comparison, because people regret marrying her too.

19. A Seattle based company announced the launch of a hi-tech toothbrush that lets users stream video from inside their mouths. It retails for $399 in the U.S. and doesn’t in England.

20. A San Francisco-based company has won a U.S. government-sponsored competition by inventing alcohol monitoring devices that can be worn on the wrist. Which explains why Billy Joel always thinks the time is 0.141%.

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