May 26, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. While campaigning yesterday in Santa Fe on behalf of his wife, Bill Clinton argued for a half hour with a 24-year-old Bernie Sanders supporter. It wasn’t on the issues, he was just trying to get her number.

2. During a Hillary Clinton rally in California, two male supporters in the front row took off their shirts, prompting the Democratic candidate to say it was okay “as long as they don’t take anything else off.” So, no matter what you think of Hillary, you can’t say she doesn’t have the necessary experience to deal with Putin.

3. Actor Shia LaBeouf has been tweeting his GPS coordinates for the past week with the hope that motorists will pick him up and he’ll be able to hitchhike across the country. That story again, Shia LaBeouf has been standing in the same exact spot for the past seven days.

4. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

5. According to a new survey, Americans are fatter than ever. It’s so bad that many people got winded trying to fill out the survey.

6. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

7. A group of white supremacists have named Taylor Swift their “Aryan Goddess.” Said Kayne West, “Yo, Taylor, I’m really happy for you, I’ma let you finish, but Beyoncé had …”

8. In a recent interview, Democratic presidential hopeful Bernie Sanders said, “Democracy is messy, everyday my life is messy.” But, I think that has less to do with democracy and more to do with the horse heads Hillary keeps putting in his bed.

9. An article on Chinese state media called Taiwan’s new female leader Tsai Ing-wen an extremist because she is unmarried. As opposed to Melania who is considered an extremist because of who she married.

10. A man in the U.K., who was left paralyzed from the waist down after a battle with cancer, used a $130,000 bionic suit to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day. But, the moment was bittersweet, since the groom was Oscar Pistorius.

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