10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A San Francisco-based company has won a U.S. government-sponsored competition by inventing alcohol monitoring devices that can be worn on the wrist. Which explains why Billy Joel always thinks the time is 0.141%.

2. On Tuesday, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump called Democratic Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas,’ a reference to how her native American heritage became a divisive campaign issue. Which means, between the two of them, at least one knows how to run a successful casino.

3. According to sources, Mawlawi Haibatullah Akhundzada, the man appointed as the new leader of the Taliban on Wednesday, was not the obvious choice coming into the election. In fact, Akhundzada won a surprising victory after beating out the early odds-on favorite, Jeb Bush.

4. According to a new study, letting your baby ‘cry it out’ instead of interfering is an effective sleep training method that does not cause stress or lasting emotional problems for the baby. The study was apparently conducted on every flight I have ever been on.

5. Kentucky Derby winner Nyquist will miss next month’s Belmont Stakes because of a high white cell count, his trainers said on Tuesday. Which is probably for the best, because if Nyquist had lost that race all his cells would be white:

6. On Tuesday, Buffalo Bills General Manager Doug Whaley said football is such a violent game that he doesn’t “think humans are supposed to play.” Although, if spent all day watching the Bills, you’d probably question whether humans were supposed to play football as well.

7. The San Diego Padres apologized to the San Diego Gay Men’s Chorus on Sunday after a recording of the national anthem played over the loud speaker as they tried to sing the song before a game. Although, I’m guessing an all-men’s chorus who felt the need to put the word ‘gay’ in their title is cool with needless redundancies.

8. On Friday, Vice President Joe Biden started a speech at an Ohio ice cream factory by saying “My name is Joe Biden and I like ice cream.” But, to be fair, that how he starts every speech.

9. Over the weekend, a solar airplane that is attempting to circumnavigate the globe took off from Oklahoma. And, even if the plane doesn’t make it all the way around the world, just getting out of Oklahoma is something to celebrate.

10. On Sunday, 87-year-old Jane Little, who played in the Atlanta Symphony Orchestra for a Guinness World Record 71 years, collapsed and died on stage while playing an encore. Cellist Yo-Yo Ma said she was “an amazing musician,” Kenny G said, “she died doing what she loved,” and Nickelback said, “What’s an encore?”

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