January 20, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Madame Tussauds waxwork museum in London announced last week that it had removed figures of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle from their royal exhibit. The last time a room full of royals cleared out that quickly the Queen ripped a mean one. 

2. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow is selling a candle that she claims smells like her vagina. And if you purchase that candle you can expect to hear a lot of questions like ‘Why did you buy this?’ and ‘How did this happen?’ and ‘Are you cooking fish?’ 

3. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. So, yeah, that’s not a spit bucket. 

4. Boxer Tyson Fury revealed this week that he has been preparing for an upcoming fight by masturbating seven times a day. Begging the question, who is my thirteen-year-old nephew training to fight? 

5. Five California mountain lions were seen together on home surveillance video this week. It’s the most disturbing grouping of large cats since:

6. A German Shepherd in North Carolina gave birth to a green puppy last week. “I know what you’re thinking,” said the family’s pet turtle. 

7. Chris Beart, the rapper who cut off his own penis before jumping off a two-story building in 2014, recently got married. Said the groomsman who disapproved of the marriage, “This is going to be the second worst decision you’ve ever made.”

8. A new study found no strong evidence linking baby powder to ovarian cancer. Great news for LeBron James’ ovaries:

9. Prince Harry and Meghan Markle announced last week that they will be “stepping back” from their role as royals, moving to America, and “will work to become financially independent.” That story again, Harry will be answering to a new King:

10. Last week, a Florida man pled guilty to a trafficking scheme in which live water monitor lizards were concealed inside electronic equipment and smuggled from the Philippines into the U.S. Which explains why my fax machine just ate my cat.

11. Police in Florida are seeking help locating a burglar who broke into a house and told the owners he was “there to suck toes.” That story again, Quentin Tarantino is apparently scouting filming locations in Florida.

12. Scientists recently conducted a study in which they put 3D glasses on cuttlefish and showed them film clips. The study found that if you put 3D glasses on cuttlefish for a long enough period you’ll lose your job as a scientist.

13. Last week, Georgia authorities say a man broke into a Taco Bell restaurant, prepared food, and took a nap inside. The man made a meal and took a nap or, as President Trump refers to it, a full workday.

14. According to a new study, older people who frequent art galleries and museums and attend the theater may live longer than those who don’t. “Strongly disagree?” said the ghost of Lincoln.

15. It was revealed this week that the New York Public Library’s most checked-out book of all time is the children’s book “The Snowy Day.” While the Library’s least checked-out book, “The Erotic Tales of Wilford Brimley.”

16. Monday night, the LSU Tigers beat the Clemson Tigers 42-25 to win the college football National Championship. It’s the first time a tiger beat itself since:

17. According to a new study, Mars is losing water quicker than expected. That story again, Mars is still more inhabitable than Flint, Michigan.

18. On Monday, the Cleveland Browns named Kevin Stefanski their new head coach because, I assume, he was the last one to say ‘Not it.’

19. A Florida woman was arrested this week for building a bomb in a Walmart from items she found in the store. So, just one item?:

20. Last week, a man asked a court to grant his motion for trial by combat so he can meet his ex-wife and her attorney “on the field of battle.” “Hey at least I asked the court ahead of time this time,” said O.J.

July 27, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. The London gospel choir that performed at the wedding of Britain’s Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, has signed a record deal with Sony Music. Not to be outdone, the Queen has signed with Death Row Records:

2. Over the weekend, a rider was kicked out of the Tour de France for trying to punch another rider. That story again, Chris Brown learned how to ride a bike.

3. Over the weekend, Italian rider Gianni Moscon was kicked out of the Tour de France for “showing a lack of restraint” when he tried to punch another rider. Although, if you ask me, he showed unbelievable restraint by only punching one of these guys:

4. Facebook said on Monday it would double its presence in London, acquiring nearly 600,000 square feet of office space. Meanwhile, Tom from MySpace wants to know if he can crash on your couch a few a nights.

5. Gloria Estefan was honored by the Spanish government on Monday for her contribution to the arts. She was also honored for her tireless work making the public aware of the rhythm and its intention to get them.

6. On Sunday, hundreds of people gathered in a Switzerland’s Mount Tracouet for the world’s biggest wooden Swiss alpine horn festival, which happens once a year. Of course, the other 364 days of the year they all apparently gather in the apartment next to me.

7. Over the weekend, the tiny Belgian city of Marche-en-Famenne held Europe’s biggest “living statue” festival, where people posed as famous people like Isaac Newton and Albert Einstein. To see a living person stand that still outside of Marche-en-Famenne, you’d have to take my uncle out to dinner and wait for the bill to come.

8. This week a was arrested for working out nude at a Planet Fitness. Apparently, before his arrest, he was standing by the bench press doing a clean jerk.

9. Russian hackers gained access to the networks of U.S. electric utilities last year, which could have allowed them to cause blackouts, according to federal government officials. Or, in the case of Detroit, turn the lights back on.

10. Three former U.S. secretaries of state, Hillary Clinton, Colin Powell and Madeleine Albright, will make guest appearances in October on political television drama “Madam Secretary.” While current Secretary of State Mike Pompeo will appear on the least convincing episode of “Undercover Boss” ever:

11. Actor Johnny Depp gave Harry Potter fans a look at his coming portrayal of the villain Grindelwald, delivering a monologue in character at San Diego Comic-Con on Saturday. You could tell Depp was in character because he was only wearing eleven scarves.

12. On Monday, the U.S. anti-doping agency announced that six-time Olympic gold medalist swimmer Ryan Lochte has been suspended for 14 months for receiving an intravenous infusion of a permitted substance without a therapeutic use exemption. Said Lochte, “Can you please use smaller words?”:

13. After the President of Iran issued a warning to President Trump, Trump sent an all caps tweet saying “YOU WILL SUFFER CONSEQUENCES THE LIKES OF WHICH FEW THROUGHOUT HISTORY HAVE EVER SUFFERED BEFORE.” Which, coincidentally, were also the vows he said to Melania.

14. Republicans on Friday voted to hold their 2020 presidential nominating convention in Charlotte. And, if they nominate Trump, it’ll be the worst thing to happen inside Charlotte since she marred Trey in season 2:

15. Uber and Lyft have suspended a driver following a report that he recorded passengers without their consent. But, on the plus-side, it’s good to hear the Michael Cohen is working again:

16. In a new study, an international team of scientists identified more than thousand variations in human genes that influence how long people stay in school. Apparently there is a gene for how rich your dad is.

17. According to reports, the soccer ball Russian President Vladimir Putin gifted to President Trump contained a chip capable of transmitting data. Putin was not concerned inserting such a fragile piece of technical equipment into athletic equipment, because he was certain that by giving it to Trump it would never get any use.

18. A Georgia state lawmaker who yelled racial slurs and dropped his pants on Sasha Baron Cohen’s new Showtime show after being told it would intimidate terrorists offered his resignation letter on Tuesday. Well, if Trump dropping his pants is what it takes to finally get him to resign, it’s definitely not worth it:

19. The Ferrari from the movie “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” will be up for action next month. And, a word of advice to that auctioneer, don’t take any bids over the phone from Abe Froman the Sausage King of Chicago.

20. President Trump accused Twitter on Thursday of restricting the visibility of prominent conservatives and promised to investigate the matter. Said Trump, “I haven’t seen a tweet from Ronald Reagan pop up on my timeline in a long time.”

May 18, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. Meghan Markle’s father, Thomas Markle, will not attend his daughter’s wedding to Prince Harry ON Saturday. Harry’s mom will also not be attending, but she has a better excuse.

2. Monday was Facebook founder’s Mark Zuckerberg’s birthday. What do you get the guy who has everything, apparently your social security number.

3. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. So I stand corrected, a degree from Hunter College can be even more worthless than I previously thought.

4. Kentucky Fried Chicken locations in the U.K. will sell a commemorative chicken bucket in honor of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s upcoming wedding. So if you like greasy, fried chicken and you like elaborate, gaudy weddings, hi President Trump:

5. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “So, the gas is on the right?” asked Melania.

6. Hunter College has announced that they will give an honorary degree to actor Vin Diesel. In what I can only assume is an elaborate prank to hear Vin Diesel try to pronounce ‘honorary degree.’

7. A Texas woman who killed her cheating husband by repeatedly running him over with her car has been released from prison. “That brings me back,” said the woman driving away from prison as her car went over a speed-bump.

8. Over the weekend, boxer Floyd Mayweather won $100,000 by hitting the jackpot while playing video poker in Las Vegas. It’s the most amount of money Mayweather has ever won for the least amount of work since he fought Pacquiao.

9. Actress Salma Hayek, a vocal supporter of the MeToo movement, said on Sunday male actors should get paid less. “Wait, you guys are being paid for this?” said Keanu.

10. During his speech on Monday at the new US embassy in Israel, Jared Kushner praised President Trump for recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel. Next up for Trump, recognizing Tiffany:

11. According to newly released documents, an intermediary for a Russian oligarch and associates of President Trump coordinated responses to revelations of a Trump Tower meeting where Don Jr. expected to get “dirt” on Hillary Clinton. It’s just like in every movies, after something terrible happens, all the innocent people get together and say, “Okay, let’s get our stories straight.”

12. Environmental Protection Agency chief Scott Pruitt said on Wednesday that he now has a legal fund in place to help him fight off a growing list of alleged ethical missteps. Added Pruitt in a hushed voice, “But don’t tell the IRS.”

13. This week, the White House announced the elimination of the position of cyber security coordinator. “So does that mean my job application was rejected?” asked Pladimir Vutin:

14. Politico has published an article profiling the members of Congress who play video games. Said those member of Congress, “Please don’t tell Ted Cruz”:

15. According to Senate testimony, President Trump’s former aide Steve Bannon sought to use personal information collected online to promote “a culture war.” Other places that cultures are doing battle, Bannon’s face:

16. According to a new study, people with schizophrenia who are treated early may do better than others. “You’re just saying that” ”No, I think it’s true” “Not a chance” said one guy.

17. This week, American Airlines announced that passengers will no longer be allowed to bring emotional support hedgehogs, goats, or spiders on board flights. While, Spirit Airlines has gone a different route:

18. On Thursday, a top court in Germany ruled that beer cannot be marketed as beneficial. “We beg to differ,” said ugly people.

19. NASA said on Friday it will send a small helicopter to Mars as part of a 2020 mission. NASA said the best way to send a helicopter to Mars is book a ticket on Southwest that supposed to land in Omaha.

20. According to a new study, married people may be more likely to spot deadly skin cancer sooner than their unmarried counterparts. So good news older single people who never found the love of their lives, you’ll be dead soon.