August 6, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. A New Hampshire state legislator, who is white, said he should be able to join the black caucus because he’s fond of rap music. But, since this is New Hampshire, first he’ll have to create the New Hampshire black caucus.

2. Over the weekend, a man dressed as a teenage mutant ninja turtle proposed to his girlfriend at a minor league baseball game. The wedding, and I’m just guessing here, will be held in his parents’ basement.

3. A Utah home which used to belong to polygamist Warren Jeffs and his wives has been converted into a bed and breakfast. Or, more accurately, a bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed, bed and breakfast.

4. According to reports, Jodi Arias will represent herself and try to persuade a jury not to give her the death penalty when her new sentencing trial gets underway in September. And, in future news, Jodi Arias is dead.

5. According to rumors, Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton have ended their eight year feud. Way to go girls, life’s too short, hopefully.

6. The New York Times has reported that Russian criminals have stolen 1.2 billion internet user names and passwords. Well at least someone will remember my password.

7. The reigning NBA champion San Antonio Spurs named long-time WNBA star Becky Hammon as the first full-time female assistant coach in league history on Tuesday. If she’s the first female assistant coach in NBA history, then who’s been teaching the Knicks to play like that?

8. Zoo authorities said a woman snuck into the seal pond at the Berlin Zoo Monday night to take a swim with the animals after the park had closed. “Oh, like you’ve never gotten drunk and visited your ex,” said Heidi Klum.

9. According to an upcoming tell-all book, Vice President Joe Biden frequently goes skinny-dipping. Apparently no one has the heart to tell him that those are actually called “baths.”

10. A hospital in the French city of Clermont-Ferrard is set to open a wine bar where their patients will be able to enjoy a “medically supervised” glass or two. Hospital officials said they got the idea by being French.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.