March 11, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. Wednesday night, a mountain lion breached a 9-foot fence at the Los Angeles Zoo and mauled a koala bear. Said the bears relatives, “You hear about violence, but you never expect it to happen in a gated community like this.”

2. Former presidential candidate Ben Carson is expected to endorse Donald Trump at a press conference today. Although the brain surgeon’s endorsement seems unnecessary since I’m pretty sure anyone with a brain injury is already voting for Trump.

3. On Thursday, a suspicious substance was found at the Houston campaign headquarters of Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz, but was later determined to be non-toxic. And, since Cruz was at the headquarters at the time, the substance was the only thing there non-toxic.

4. A Toshiba humanoid robot named Chihira Kanae is greeting visitors to the world’s biggest travel fair in Berlin this week. Event organizers initially wanted German people to do the job but ultimately decided to go with something less robotic.

5. According to a new study, women around the world are leaving hospitals too soon after giving birth. “But if I hang around, they’re gonna want to give me that baby,” said Casey Anthony.

6. Ray Tomlinson, the man widely credited as the creator of email, died on Sunday at the age of 74. His funeral is expected to be a small affair, attended by just friends, family and a handful of Nigerian princes.

7. On Saturday Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said repeatedly, during a rally that he would seek to “broaden” the laws to allow torture. Which means, if successful, in the future, everyone will be married to Donald Trump for fifteen minutes.

8. Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton on Friday said that as the Chinese economy slows, China will engage in more damaging global trade practices. Saying, “Let us not forget about what they put in our Coke.”

9. A Facebook executive who spent 24 hours in a Brazilian jail this week said authorities treated him with respect. More specifically, they kept the poking to a minimum.

10. A farm in Ohio has the words “No Trump” written so large in cow manure that it can be seen by planes flying overheard. Making it the second Trump to be made up entirely of bullshit.

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