May 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A Seattle couple left nearly $850,000 to the U.S. government in their will. “That’s actually from the three of us,” said Wesley Snipes.

2. Over the weekend, actresses Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen announced that they will not reprise their roles in the upcoming “Full House” reboot. To replace them producers will use two scarecrows with frowns.

3. According to an annual report, the Vatican bank earned more than $76 million in 2014. It would have been more, but child rape lawyers are expensive.

4. After his first round victory at the French Open on Sunday, Roger Federer was angry when a security breach allowed a fan to walk onto center court and attempt to take a picture with the 17-time grand slam champion. “Oh, a selfie, poor you,” said Monica Seles.

5. According to reports, future Hall of Famer Kobe Bryant said that next season will be his last with the Los Angeles Lakers. This comes just five years after most Lakers fans made the same decision.

6. Chelsea Clinton has written a children’s book. Experts see it s a very early reach-out to likely voters for Chelsea’s expected presidential run in 2036.

7. A 65-year-old German grandmother gave birth to quadruplets at a Berlin hospital last week. The grandmother says she plans on breast-feeding, so, hope you like powdered milk, kids.

8. The Florida Bar is sending its first ever delegation of lawyers to Cuba this week to explore emerging new business opportunities. Said the lawyers, “Hey, wait, these tickets are only one-way.”

9. U.S. cable network TLC said on Friday it has pulled all episodes of “19 Kids and Counting,”its top-rated reality television show featuring a large Christian family, after reports surfaced that the eldest son had molested underage girls as a teen. “Ew, gross, Christians,” said Woody Allen.

10. Time Warner Cable is on the verge of a $55 billion merger deal with Charter Communications, which would combine the second and third largest U.S. cable companies. Time Warner decided, instead of improving their service, they would just merge with all their competitors leaving customers with no other options.

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