July 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Macy’s took Donald Trump’s menswear collection off of its shelves in response to the billionaire’s recent controversial comments regarding Mexicans. Leaving used car salesmen and scumbags in general at a loss for what to wear to work tomorrow.

2. On Wednesday, Mayor Bill de Blasio said New York City is reviewing its contracts with Donald Trump following comments by the presidential candidate that were derogatory towards Mexicans. It seems like, at this point, Trump is running for president because he needs a job.

3. According to reports, the Trump Hotel Collection, a string of luxury hotel properties owned by Donald Trump, is the latest victim of a massive credit card breach. Authorities believe a group of highly-skilled and technically savvy cyber criminals is behind the breach while Trump blames the Mexicans.

4. Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton has raised more than $45 million since she entered the race in April. And, in related news, Bernie Sanders found a $5 bill in an old pair of pants.

5. Captured escapee David Sweat told investigators that he split up with fellow escapee Richard Matt because Matt kept getting drunk. But, in Matt’s defense, he was on vacation.

6. In the wake of the controversy surrounding the confederate flag, TV Land has pulled all episodes of “The Dukes of Hazzard,” which features a car with the flag painted on its roof, from its schedule. So now we know our mission, somehow get a confederate flag on “Keeping Up with the Kardashians.”

7. Sepp Blatter, president of the embattled international soccer agency FIFA, has told a German magazine he has a clean conscience and believes he will “go to heaven one day.” Which can only mean one thing, heaven accepts bribes.

8. According to a new study, nearly half of first-time mothers in the U.S. gain too much weight during pregnancy. You can read more about the study in this month’s Medical Journal of Things You Should Probably Keep to Yourself.

9. On Wednesday, Lions Gate Entertainment announced that it will produce a movie based on the boardgame Monopoly. Lions Gate got the idea when it ran out of ideas.

10. The New York times caused an uproar on Wednesday when it suggested that people use peas in their guacamole. Although, if you’re rude to your waiter in a Mexican restaurant, he’ll do that himself.

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