August 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After being outed by the Ashley Madison information dump, Celia Walden, the journalist wife of Piers Morgan, admitting to having an account on the infidelity website by only because she was working on a story about the site’s founder. Although, a more believable excuse would have been that she’s married to Piers Morgan.

2. At a campaign stop this week, presidential candidate Marco Rubio accidentally hit a kid in the face with a football while playing catch. Thus, locking up the all-important Jan Brady vote.

3. A West Virginia mother is upset because her son’s high school will not allow him to wear a t-shirt featuring the Confederate flag. Although, if I’m a high school in West Virginia, I’m just happy when the students show up wearing shirts, period.

4. According to a new report, a tweet from LeBron James is worth $140,000. “Big deal, one tweet cost me way more than that,” said Anthony Weiner.

5. According to a massive data dump by hackers, disgraced reality TV star Josh Duggar, who is accused of molesting five minors, had two accounts on the cheating website Ashley Madison. Said Duggar, “Well, at least the stories about me are getting better.”

6. According to data, July was the warmest month ever recorded. “So it’s not just me, it is hot in here, right?” said Josh Duggar.

7. A fake U.S. presidential candidate named Deez Nuts has stirred a social media frenzy by polling nearly 10 percent of registered North Carolina voters in a hypothetical match-up against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Which means, as long as Hillary doesn’t win, we will have a President Nuts.

8. Former U.S. boxing champion Roy Jones Jr. has filed for Russian citizenship. Any chance you guys want Tyson too?

9. Former reality TV star Josh Duggar on Thursday admitted to cheating on his wife after the massive hacker breach revealed that he was a member of the infidelity website Ashley Madison. That unbelievable story again, there was at least one real-live woman on Ashley Madison.

10. Yesterday, two more women came forward to accuse Bill Cosby of sexually assaulting them in the 1970s. Said Cosby, “You’re gonna have to be more specific.”

11. On Thursday, David Sweat, the New York prison escapee who was at the center of a three-week manhunt, pled not guilty to two charges of escaping prison. Which means Sweat either has the best or worst lawyer in the world.

12. A sex toy company has come out with the first-ever Apple watch controlled vibrator. “Back in my day, we had to use our iPhones,” said your grandma.

13. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” Said the reporter, “Okay, but you still haven’t explained why you’re wearing those ruby red slippers.”

14. A U.S. appeals court on Wednesday ruled that the uniforms worn by cheerleaders across the country can be copyrighted under federal law. The judge was swayed by the cheerleaders’ argument which started with, “Give me a C. C, you got your C, you got your C. Give me an O …”

15. Donald Trump appeared to contradict his own immigration policy proposed on Tuesday, just two days after releasing a detailed outline of his plan. Then Trump called himself from two days earlier a moron.

16. According to a new study, women’s brains responded better to romantic cues if they had eaten first. “Oh yeah, you can’t drink on a empty stomach,” said Cosby.

17. On Tuesday, the State Department said there is no timeline for reestablishing commercial air travel to and from Cuba. “Looks like I’m back in business,” said Jorge of Jorge’s Makeshift Rafts.

18. Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker on Tuesday unveiled his healthcare plan under which credits would be given to tax payers to purchase health insurance based on age. For instance, those under 17 would be given a $900 tax credit while Larry King will be given all of Arizona and parts of New Mexico.

19. On Friday, the British palace sent a letter to all media groups asking them to back off coverage of 2-year-old Prince George, citing multiple examples of the extremes the paparazzi have taken to snap a picture. Even more concerning the for the young prince’s safety, he has started dating Dodi Fayed.

20. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. Novaes didn’t know she was pregnant until three months later because non one wanted to tell her she had put on a few pounds.

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