August 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, former Subway pitchman Jared Fogel pled guilty to charges of child pornography and sex with minors which carries a jail sentence of five to twelve years. Said Fogel, “I’ll take a five and a twelve year-old.”

2. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

3. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

4. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the lair of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. Well, at least you know the walls are thick and the neighbors keep to themselves.

5. The Pennsylvania house that portrayed the liar of fictional serial killer Buffalo Bill in “The Silence of the Lambs” has hit the market for $300,000. It’s a three bedroom, two bath with a very unfinished basement.

6. This week, Donald Trump said it would be extremely easy to round up all the undocumented immigrants in the country. I didn’t hear the rest of the interview, but I’m sure whatever followed was crazy racist.

7. Presidential hopeful Lindsey Graham compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to the Wizard of Oz “because there’s nothing behind the curtain.” “I still got dibs on the Tin Man, right?” said Romney.

8. On Monday, a former senior advisor to President Obama suggested that Hillary Clinton is like Scottie Pippen to President Obama’s Michael Jordan. Although a better comparison would have been Bill Clinton to literally any basketball player ever.

9. George Zimmerman is selling paintings of the Confederate flag to support a Florida gun store owner who declared his business a “Muslim-free zone.” Which can only mean one thing, Zimmerman is running for the Republican presidential nomination.

10. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”

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