March 16, 2020 – Monologue Jokes

1. Doctors who transplanted a complete penis onto a wounded soldier reported Wednesday that the man has regained near-normal erections and the ability to achieve orgasm more than one year after the surgery was completed. Said the soldier, “Please, just say normal erections.” 

2. A man was sentenced to thirty days in jail for posting a video of himself removing an ice cream container from a Texas market, licking the contents, and returning it to the freezer. “So I hear you like licking things,” said his cellmate.

3. Footwear company Crocs has announced a new collaboration with candy-maker Peeps to release brightly-colored clogs featuring chicks and bunnies for Easter. Hey, just because Jesus died for our sins doesn’t mean you should just walk around sinning.

4. This week, PGA Commissioner Jay Monahan said that Disneyland closing tis doors s prompted PGA Tour to do the same. And it’s not the first time golf has followed trends set by Disney:

5. Last week, Senator Ted Cruz announced that he will self-quarantine himself after interacting with an individual who tested positive for the novel coronavirus at the recent Conservative Political Action Conference. “Oh, man, I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy,” said people after hearing that someone interacted with Ted Cruz.

6. Earlier this month, singer Justin Bieber turned 26. Which is apparently that weird age where you look like both the victim and the pedophile:

7. It was announced last week that Hachette Book Group was considering publishing director Woody Allen’s memoir. Here’s a first look at the cover:

8. Last weekend, presidential candidate Bernie Sanders held a rally featuring the rap group Public Enemy and actor Dick van Dyke. The crowd was a little taken aback by all the swearing and then Pubic Enemy took the stage.

9. Last week, Harvey Weinstein’s lawyers said that he’ll die behind bars if sentenced to more than five years. Said the judge, “You promise?”

10. A New Mexico woman faces charges after police say she stole a car and later tried to claim she was Beyonce. Authorities became suspicious when they noticed that ‘Beyonce’ was driving a Kia Sorento.

11. The Cleveland Browns are increasing their efforts to help stop the spread of coronavirus by announcing a work-from-home policy. Which seems pointless, the Browns never show up on game day anyway.

12. Oscar-winning actor Tom Hanks announced on Twitter that he’s tested positive for the coronavirus. Good lord, not beloved character actor Tom Hanks, someone send the National Guard to Betty White’s house.

13. The Trump campaign has reportedly canceled a Women for Trump bus tour due to concerns over the coronavirus. Or, more likely, they realized that it probably wasn’t a great idea to remind women of Trump’ behavior on buses:

14. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. Said Joe, “I love painting!”

15. According to reports, President Trump’s campaign strategy is to paint his potential opponent, former Vice President Joe Biden, as senile. And, if history is any guide, you can do that by just giving him an opened umbrella:

16. According to research, a new type of therapy using feces and fake rubber hands may be able to help patients with obsessive compulsive disorder overcome their fears of touching contaminated surfaces. Which doesn’t seem like something we should be trying to cure right now.

17. Last week, students at Penn State held a candle-light vigil for a campus Taco Bell that’s closing. Marking the first time anyone has ever lit a candle before eating Taco Bell:

18. A new dating app has launched in the UK for men with penises that are smaller than the global average. It’s just like Tinder except you’re disappointed before you even meet the guy.

19. In response to price-gauging, New York state said they will be producing their own hand sanitizer. Word of caution, if you run into this man on the Q train, he does not work for the state and that’s not hand sanitizer he’s producing:

20. Donald Trump Jr. wants to debate Hunter Biden on who’s benefited more from their dads. It will be there first debate where legally every answer has to start with “Actually.”

March 2, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, one in every five working-age black men in the United States did not work at all in 2016. A low number that I wish was at least one man higher:

2. Due to his inability to obtain a full security clearance, this week President Trump’s son-in-law and adviser, Jared Kushner, lost access to the most valued U.S. intelligence report. Said President Trump, “He can’t watch FoxNews?”

3. In an interview published on Tuesday, singer Barbra Streisand revealed the she had her deceased dog Samantha cloned. Streisand made an exact replicate to replace her dead dog, or, as Michael Vick calls it, covering your tracks.

4. On Monday, President Trump criticized police officers who failed to confront the shooter at the Florida high school by saying, “I really believe I’d run in there even if I didn’t have a weapon.” Begging the question, does he have a weapon? Can someone please check on that!

5. This week, a White House photographer caught images of advisor Stephen Miller appearing to fall asleep during President Trump’s meeting with governors. Which is weird, because Miller wasn’t anywhere near his coffin:

6. On Wednesday, White House communication director Hope Hicks announced that she will be leaving the Trump administration. Thus, inadvertently, coming up with Trump’s 2020 re-election motto:

7. It was reported this week that many nursing homes are using virtual reality equipment to allow elderly patients suffering from dementia to “travel back in time” to the days of their childhood in the early 1900s. Or, if they don’t have access to VR technology, they can just go to Alabama.

8. A Canadian athlete competing at the Winter Olympics has been charged with drunk driving after taking a car on a joy ride in the early hours of Saturday morning in South Korean. “Wait, is that an Olympic event?” asked Billy Joel.

9. While speaking of his campaign and administration at CPAC last week, President Trump said, “We’re fighting a lot of forces.” Yes, forces like common sense and decency.

10. FCC Chairman Ajit Pai was honored at the Conservative Political Action Conference by the NRA awarding him a Kentucky long rifle. So good luck to Pai, who is of Indian descent and thus has a darker skin complexion, on getting out of that NRA convention holding a gun alive.

11. While speaking of the West Side highway in Manhattan during his speech at CPAC last week, President Trump “I know it very well, this stretch along the west side highway, people run in order to stay in shape.” Well, maybe not ‘very well’:

12. First Lady Melania Trump’s favorite TV show is reportedly “How to Get Away with Murder.” She’s hoping the answer is a never-ending diet of KFC and McDonald’s.

13. This week former First Lady Michelle Obama announced that she is writing a memoir that will be released November 13th entitled “Becoming.” Which means one thing, Melania’s memoir will be released on November 14th:

14. This week, sporting goods store Dick’s announced that it will stop selling assault style weapons. So now, if the answer to the question “Who’s gun is that?” is “Dick’s”, run!:

15. In a new USA Today poll, 59% of respondents had an unfavorable view of President Trump and one woman from the Midwest said she’d never heard of Donald Trump. And there’s no question Trump’s way more angry about that one woman’s response.

16. After eight years of restoration work, Cuba on Thursday re-opened to the public the doors of its Capitol. Said the U.S., “What’s it like to actually get something accomplished in your Capitol building?”

17. Last week, Pulitzer Prize winning writer David Mamet revealed that he has penned a new play about film producer Harvey Weinstein. I don’t understand, didn’t we already have one of those?:

February 27, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. During his speech on Friday, President Trump called for an end to the media’s use of unnamed sources. But, in the media’s defense, sometimes things do a lot worse when you attach a name to them:

2. According to a new poll, 1 out of 3 Americans would move to a different planet to escape U.S. politics. And, according to the same survey, 1 out of 1 Slovenians would too:
trump-unhappy

3. Saturday evening, President Trump tweeted that he will not attend this year’s annual White House Correspondents’ Dinner. Which is odd because, I’m guessing, he hasn’t missed many dinners:
fat-trump

4. According to a report, nearly 2,000 appointed positions in the administration of President Donald Trump still remain vacant. Unfortunately, one of them is not president.

5. According to reports, Barack and Michelle Obama turned down an offer to compete on ‘Dancing with the Stars.’ Which, unfortunately means, neither Barack or Michelle can ever be the Secretary of Energy:
rick-perry

6. A South Korean developer has produced the world’s first Braille smartwatch for the blind. Because even the blind don’t want to be seen wearing an Apple Watch.

7. A man in Florida claims his pet dog accidentally shot his sleeping girlfriend after leaping on his gun. Although, I don’t know how much of an accident it was, since right before, the dog said, “No, no, no, now you beg.”

8. During his speech at CPAC on Friday, President Trump ripped the media’s anonymous sources, saying, “Let them say it to my face.” “I thought I was,” said one source talking to a rotting pumpkin.

9. Scientists in London have trained bumblebees to do a job by bribing them with a sugary treat. So there’s still hope that someone will be able to train this WASP to do her job:

10. A Republican state senator in Arkansas has introduced legislation aimed at removing the Clinton name from Little Rock’s Bill and Hillary Clinton National Airport. “While you’re at it, can you take my name off of that shit-hole too,” said Fiorello LaGuardia.

March 7, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, a court ruled that it’s legal to take upskirt photos in the state of Massachusetts. Then the judge added, “Now, who wants to get a glimpse of what’s going on underneath this robe?”

2. A 27-year-old woman has taken to social media to find the birth mother that abandoned her in a Burger King bathroom only hours after giving birth. This plea comes just ten years after she tracked down her birth father, a Mr. Humpty, pronounced with a “Umpty.”

3. The Carnival Paradise cruise ship picked up 24 Cuban refugees stranded in the middle of the ocean. Said the captain of the Paradise, “We can always use a few more dishwashers.”

4. According to reports, former Patriot and accused murderer Aaron Hernandez will be charged with simple assault stemming from an altercation with an inmate last week. Said Hernandez, “Put it on my tab.”

5. Sicilian amateur scientists have launched a giant fake cannoli into outer space. Said one scientist, “This is one small step for desserts, on giant leap backwards for Sicilian stereotypes.”

6. Yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell took the stage at the Conservative Political Action Conference brandishing a rifle. Even more disconcerting, his entire speech was, “If anybody asks, I was here the whole time.”

7. A man who dropped a half-million dollars playing blackjack is suing the casino, claiming he was too drunk to be allowed to gamble. Said the casino, “Yeah, that’s kinda the idea.”

8. A recent study suggests, poor women are more likely to take on the burden of caring for aging parents and enter a financial downward spiral as a result. So congratulations to Bruce Wayne on being a rich, male orphan.

9. On Thursday, “American Hustle,” which was shut out at the Oscars, was nominated for a show-high eight MTV Movie Awards. Said director David O. Russell, “Screw the Oscars, it’s crazy to think if we take home the golden popcorn statue we will be in the same rarified air as a movie where a guy fucks a pie.”

10. According to a new study, getting adults to be more active on visits to children’s playgrounds could be as simple as removing benches. “What are you planning on doing with the benches that are 200 feet away from the playground?” said the neighborhood pedophile.

11. Ravens coach John Harbaugh told reporters on Wednesday, running back Ray Rice and his fiancée, who were involved in a domestic dispute last month, plan to attend a couples seminar. For a change, she will be the one dragging him to those meetings.

12. On Wednesday, the Michigan Attorney General charged Chesapeake Energy and Ecana Corporation with colluding to keep oil and gas prices artificially low in the state. They were also charged with failure to understand how colluding works.

13. According to results from an early-stage trial, gene therapy, where doctors remove cells from people infected with HIV, could become a way to control the virus that causes AIDS. Although, to be fair, removing their jeans is what got many of these people into this mess in the first place.

14. An Ohio woman took the car she bought seven months earlier to a dealership to replace a flat tire this week and learned she had been driving around with eight pounds of marijuana in the spare. That’s crazy. Who takes their car to a dealership to replace a flat?

15. According to documents released Friday, aides in former President Bill Clinton’s White House crafted a strategy to “humanize” then-first lady Hillary Clinton. Step number one, pant-suits.