August 14, 2014 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford allegedly received an email threatening to blow up city hall unless he resigned within 12 hours. And so begins the plot to the newest “Die Hard” movie, “Pie Hard.”

2. The FCC voted to require all cell phone carriers to allow customers to text 911 instead of calling. But, not to come off desperate, 911 always waits three days to text back.

3. Customers at a Subway restaurant located inside a Georgia WalMart started throwing things after they said the lettuce looked too brown. You’re eating at a Subway in a WalMart, how can you still get upset over being disappointed at things in life?

4. A man in Colorado has spent the last 14 years turning rooms in his log cabin into various sets used in the “Star Trek” series. And, if you’re impressed with the level of imagination that went into that, you should “meet” his girlfriend.

5. According to a new study, men over 5’10” are twice as likely to cheat on their partners. The study was conducted in the NBA.

6. The last polar bear in Africa died on Wednesday. So, from now on, if you see an old, white-haired, bear in the Serengeti, it’s probably Barney Frank on safari.

7. President Obama and Hillary Clinton rubbed shoulders on Wednesday at a party attended by both on Martha’s Vineyard. And, although it may not seem it, Hillary is great at parties, because if you run out of ice, it’s always nice to have a frigid bitch nearby.

8. Intel plans to use wearable gadgets such as smart watches to monitor patients with Parkinson’s disease. They are hoping that this goes better than their first study where they had them wear Etch-A-Sketches.

9. Iranian mathematician Maryam Mirzakhani on Wednesday became the first woman to be awarded the Fields Medal, mathematic’s equivalent to the Nobel Prize. The only thing rarer than a woman winning the Fields Medal is a female mathematician in Iran who hasn’t been stoned to death.

10. Scientists reported on Wednesday, common soil bacteria injected into cancers in pet dogs and one human patient shrank many of the tumors. Said the one human patient, “I knew I shouldn’t have made my vet my primary-care physician.”

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