July 20, 2018 – Monologue Jokes

1. While on his first presidential trip to England, Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders tweeted a picture of the President sitting in Winston Churchill’s chair. Thus keeping Trump’s streak alive of ruining furniture while abroad:

2. A plastic surgeon known as “Dr. Bumbum” or “Dr. Butt” on social media because of his buttock-enhancement operations was arrested on Thursday in Rio de Janeiro. Word of advice, while you’re in jail, maybe go by “Steve.”

3. According to a new study, when wives earn more than their husbands, neither partner likes to admit it. “Bitch, I love it!” said Stedman, sitting in a bathtub full of money:

4. When Queen Elizabeth met with the President last week, she was reportedly wearing a brooch given to her by President Trump. Even worse, she was also wearing a pair of underwear given to her by President Clinton.

5. The makers of Crocs announced a high-heel version of their shoe. That hard-to-believe story again, people willingly identified themselves as the makers of Crocs.

6. Ahead of this week’s Summit with Russia President Vladimir Putin, President Trump said he didn’t think there would be “a Perry Mason moment.” But, there’s a good chance they’ll be a Mr. Belvedere moment:

7. While undergoing treatment for brain cancer, Senator John McCain on Monday called President Trump’s meeting with Russian President Vladimir Putin in Helsinki “a tragic mistake” and a new low point for the United States. That story again, a man with an obvious brain injury was insulted by John McCain.

8. According to a new study, animal, like humans, are reluctant to give up on pursuits they’ve invested in. The study was conducted by one Wiley E. Coyote:

9. An 800-year-old tradition of counting the swans owned by Britain’s Queen Elizabeth started on Monday. Which should be easier than counting the number of Trump’s bird:

10. On Monday, Russian President Vladimir Putin and President Trump had a one-on-one meeting that last over two hours. Which, if my math is correct, means Trump was able to tell Putin the story of his electoral college victory thirty-four times in a row.

11. Less than a month after “Saturday Night Live China,’ debuted in Beijing, episodes can no longer be seen on the platform that was hosting it. Even worse, SNL episodes featuring Rob Schneider can still be seen in the U.S.

12. A day after saying, “I don’t see any reason why it would be Russia”, in response to a question about election meddling, President Trump clarified his statement saying, “I said the word ‘would’ instead of ‘wouldn’t’.” He went on to say, “I also misspoke when I said the word ‘reason’ instead of ‘treason’.”

13. Starting next month, people will be able to legally print 3-D guns at home. That means you will be able to log onto your computer, download a file, wirelessly connect to your printer and print a 3-D working gun, you know, just like the founding fathers intended.

14. According to a new study, the snorting sounds coming from a horse may signal contentment or pleasure. While snorting sounds coming from a human means Tim Allen is near by.

15. A New Orleans zoo remained closed on Saturday after a jaguar escaped its habitat and killed six other animals. The jaguar killed so many animals it was named an honorary Trump son:

16. On Thursday, White House press secretary Sarah Sanders said “President Trump asked national security adviser John Bolton to invite President Putin to Washington in the fall.” And say what you will, but convincing him to come back to your place after just one date is pretty impressive.

17. John Schnatter, the recently disgraced founder of Papa Johns, said he regrets stepping down. “Now you know how we feel,” said every person after taking a bite of Papa Johns pizza.

18. Jeff Bezos’ rocket company plans to charge passengers $300,000 for its first trips into space next year. And despite the price tag, if you’re checking a bag, it’s still an extra $10.

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