April 19, 2017 – Monologue Jokes

1. A suspected pickpocket faced charges Monday for allegedly stealing more than 100 cell phones at this weekend’s Coachella music festival. Begging the question, if no one can Instagram Coachella, did it really happen?

2. It is being reported that while flying to Wisconsin yesterday, White House chief of staff Reince Priebus got excited when he spotted his house from the window of Air Force One. Said Trump, “Where’s the rest of it and why isn’t it made out of gold?”

3. Researchers have begun testing the possibility of using sperm to deliver life-saving drugs to specific parts of the female body. Which means, sometime in the not-too-distant future, semen could cause and cure blindness.

4. According to a new study, people who live near sources of heavy traffic exhaust may be at higher risk for heart disease. That story again, Chris Christie’s heart is screwed:

5. Google says searches for ‘World War 3’ have spiked over the past few weeks. And I have to admit, that’s partially my fault, because I’ve fallen into the habit of typing ‘WW3’ into Google and then hitting refresh over and over again to see if it’s happened yet.

6. Last week an eight-year-old boy in Ohio stole his parents car to take a joyride with his little sister to McDonalds after learning how to drive on YouTube. Once there, he only ordered one drink because he also learned on YouTube how two people can share one cup.

7. An Oregon man’s obituary claims he died peacefully after falsely being told by family members that Donald Trump had been impeached. So he truly is in a better place now.

8. Today, the American Lung Association will issue it’s annual state of the air address, ranking air quality across the country. Which is not to be confused with the annual State of the Hair Address:

9. A new study found that every hour spent running adds an extra seven hours to your life. Of course, if you factor in the hours they waste telling other people about the marathons they ran, it kinda evens out.

10. Barack and Michelle Obama have been spotted vacationing on a yacht in Tahiti with Oprah, Tom Hanks and Bruce Springsteen. So this is Barack’s plan, make post-presidency life look so good that Trump doesn’t want to run for reelection.

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