January 14, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. South Carolina Governor Nikki Haley told Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump not to take the criticism she offered up in her Republican response to the State of the Union address personally. In response, Trump said, “He would never take attacks from a complete slut personally.”

2. Ahead of its season premiere on HBO, “Sesame Street” announced some changes to the long-running kids show, including Elmo moving into a Brooklyn-style brownstone. Which means, when Cookie Monster comes to visit, it will be the first time a monster has been in a Brooklyn brownstone since “the Cosby Show” went off the air.

3. Yesterday, nominations for the Razzies, which celebrate the year’s worst movies, were released, with Adam Sandler getting nominated in the worst picture, worst actor, worst on-screen combo and worst screenplay categories. Sandler said he was disappointed because he was really hoping for the lifetime achievement award this year.

4. Former Olympic downhill-skier Picabo Street was charged with assault and domestic violence after allegedly pushing her elderly father down a flight of stairs in December. Even worse, he missed two gates on the way down.

5. On Wednesday, Hue Jackson was hired as the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Presumably because Jackson drew the shortest straw.

6. Republican strategists published a new article for CNN claiming that the candidates having the most fun on the campaign trail tend to fair the best in elections. “Do most fun-sized Milky Ways count?” said Chris Christie.

7. According to a new study from the CDC, women are more likely than men to experiment with same sex partners. “So….?” said CDC scientists to their wives.

8. A U.S. government cyber security official warned that authorities have seen an increase in attacks that penetrate industrial control system networks over the past year. And I would be scared if I had any idea what that meant.

9. Speaker of the House Paul Ryan accused President Obama of setting “verbal traps” for Republicans. Man, I miss the old days when Dick Cheney would just shoot you in the face.

10. Yesterday, NBC announced that the cast of “Friends” would reunite for a primetime special to air later this year. Which is great news for fans of “Friends” and the one fan of “Joey.”

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