January 13, 2016 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday night, the Alabama Crimson Tide won its fourth college football championship in the past seven years. Said Alabama fans, “Who won the other five years?”

2. In an interview yesterday, President Obama joked he could envision Donald Trump giving a State of the Union speech, “in a ‘Saturday Night’ skit.” Obama also said he could envision Rand Paul “living in a van down by the river.”

3. English doctors staged their first strike in 40 years on Tuesday over government plans to reform pay. While English dentists’ 200 year strike is still going strong.

4. An Ohio man wanted for drunk driving, unsatisfied with his police mug shot, sent them a selfie he took while driving that he felt was more flattering. “I didn’t know that was an option,” said Nick Nolte.
nick-nolte

5. The world famous Playboy Mansion is up for sale. Interestingly, every room is decorated with curtains, but no carpet.

6. A Texas man was arrested for methamnetamine possession after the New Year while wearing a shirt with the phrase “Don’t Meth with Me” on it. But that’s what he gets for shopping at Abercrombie & Snitch.

7. 84-year-old billionaire CEO Rupert Murdoch and 59-year-old former model Jerry Hall announced their engagement yesterday. Murdoch said that Hall “keeps him young,” while Hall said, “that’s not the plan.”

8. 84-year-old billionaire CEO Rupert Murdoch and 59-year-old former model Jerry Hall announced their engagement yesterday. Murdoch got down on one knee, popped the question and then pressed his Life Alert button to call someone to help him get back up.

9. Mexican officials revealed that recently captured drug lord El Chapo nearly escaped by using a secret passage hidden behind a mirror. Although, by the looks of his mug shot, I’m not sure he knew where the mirror was.
el chapo

10. Yesterday, the Royal Bank of Scotland warned of a “cataclysmic year” ahead for the market and advised their clients to “sell everything.” Well, I guess I’ve been holding onto these Beanie Babies long enough.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.